Background
Julius (a demon) has somehow summoned John (a human) via a small ad in a magazine and now requires him to give him power and a bigger cave
|
"We need a contract," said John.
"A contract," agreed Julius. He looked around him, as if looking for one.
"You must know what a contract is. You people sign them with my people all the time."
"Yes." Julius nodded vaguely.
John sighed. "We need to write down what we each agree we're going to do."
"You're going to give me more power and a bigger cave." Julius waved the scrap of paper at John. "Fee-naw-saw. I know your true name. You must do what I say."
"But what's in it for me?"
Julius frowned. He looked down at the scrap of the magazine page. He looked up and breathed in, but before he could say 'Fee-naw-saw' again John interrupted.
"If I give you financial advice and broker a mortgage, you must return me back to my world. No!" John grabbed the demon's wrist as he lifted the scrap of paper again. "Never mind Fee-naw-saw. That's our contract, understand? I give you advice, you return me home. Agreed?"
Julius looked down at his precious incantation, struggling with this new idea. Finally he nodded.
"Okay." John released Julius' wrist. "Do you have any paper? No!" he said, as Julius lifted the small ad again. "Blank paper." Even as he said it, he knew what the answer would be. The only place the demon might hide it would be in his filthy loincloth, and John earnestly hoped that wasn't the case. John cast his eyes around the cave and saw the words from the advertisement charcoaled onto the wall. He sighed and picked up a brand from the fire.
+++
John stepped back from the cave wall and regarded the contract written in charcoal.
"Okay, so this says, 'I, John Watkins,' (that's me) 'will provide financial advice to' - " John paused, burnt stick in hand. "What's your name?"
Julius shook his head. "No name."
"You don't have a name?"
"Of course I have a name," said Julius. "I'm not going to tell you though, am I."
"Why not?"
Julius gave John a look that informed John as to the level of his stupidity. "No one just gives their name away. A person's true name gives away power."
"I gave you my name," said John.
Julius snorted. "Yeah, and now I have full control over you." He waved the small ad at John. "Fee-naw-saw, John."
John sighed. "Fine." He scratched away at the wall. "'I, John Watkins, will provide financial advice to the undersigned. In return - '" He scratched away again. "' - In return the undersigned will return John Watkins to his own home.' Okay?"
Juius nodded. John shook his head. It had to be the worst contract ever written. He scrawled his John Hancock under it and passed the stick to Julius.
"Sign it," he said.
Julius looked up at John, incomprehension on his face.
John sighed yet again. "Okay, just make your mark. An X will do." John crossed his arms in front of him to indicate an X. Julius scraped an approximation of an X next to John's signature, constantly referring to John's crossed arms for reference.
"Okay." John took the stick from Julius and tossed it onto the fire. "That means we're both committed, okay?"
Julius shrugged. "Okay."
"Okay, let's start, then. What assets have you got?"
"Assets," affirmed Julius, nodding in agreement.
"Yes, assets. What collateral do you own?" John looked at the demon's blank face. "What things are yours?"
To John's no great surprise, Julius held out the small ad. "Fee-naw-saw."
"Okay, apart from that. Anything?"
Julius shrugged.
"No, fine, fine. Let's go with your property. Is this as big as it gets?" John looked around at the cramped cavern. Now that his eyes had become acclimatised he could see a low tunnel at one end, into which the stream flowed. "Are there other caves?"
"No," said Julius.
"Okay, so what is the neighbourhood like?"
+++
The tunnel dog-legged to the left. John had wished he'd been transported here wearing his trainers. His Church's brogues were going to be ruined, but he didn't trust the bed of the stream to his bare feet; it was all slimy pebbles and God knew what else. The tunnel ended in a wall of stones. The water poured through a gap at the bottom into the outside world. On top of the stones daylight glared through a small opening.
"Did you build this?" he asked.
Julius nodded. "Small hole," he said. He glanced back at John and decided he needed further explanation. "I don't want a bigger demon taking the cave off me."
"Are there many bigger demons?"
"They nearly all are." Julius clambered up the slope and peered out. Apparently satisfied, he jerked his head towards the outside and cautiously crept out. John, even more cautiously, followed.
He squinted against the light. Not that it was particularly bright, but he had spent at least an hour in the dark. The sky overhead pressed down with sullen yellow clouds and the heat promised a thunder storm.
"Looks like rain," he said.
Julius shook his head. "It never rains," he said.
"Never?"
"Never."
John scanned the landscape in front of him. From the base of the cliff from which they had emerged, the land stretched away in arid reds and yellows. The only green followed the stream, and that appeared to drain into the soil a few hundred metres distant.
"It's, um, a quiet location," said John. "Rural. Peace and quiet. Running water. No neighbours."
"There are," said Julius.
"Are what?"
"Neighbours." Julius nodded to the right. "Metztli. He's got a big cave. Doesn't leave it much." He nodded to the left. "Marduk. He's a piece of work."
"Big?" said John. "Horns? Knuckles along the ground on all fours?"
Julius snapped his head round to the left. Following the foot of the cliff a huge creature walked ape-like towards them, part of a tree trunk slung over his shoulder. Julius gave an involuntary cry of fear and scrabbled back towards his cave. After a moment John thought it prudent to follow him as fast as he could.
Inside the cave they peered out over the rock wall.
"A piece of work, eh?" said John.
Julius nodded. "He hates me," he whispered.
"Why?"
"He thinks I piss in his water."
John looked as Marduk approached the stream. "Do you?" he asked.
"Well, I'm not going to piss on my bed, am I."
The huge creature dropped the trunk into the stream. One end appeared open.
"What's he doing?" asked John, matching Julius' whisper.
"Getting water. He has a garden. He comes down here a couple of times a day."
John glanced down at his feet, where the stream passed through the hole in the dry-stone wall, then back up at the large demon.
"I think I've just found your asset," he said, with a smile.
