FanStory.com - Children's Aidby SimianSavant

It was a beautiful day in May. Even though it was a day after my birthday, it was STILL a great day, just perfect for lounging outdoors by the water. I sauntered over and relaxed on the grass.

Maya come out beckoned me. "Dude, you FELL ASLEEP last night before even taking a shot! How could you forget?"

"Can I still get one?" I asked, eagerly.

"We'll see. Oh hang tight! Someone's calling me." Out of the corner of my eye I saw her head back abruptly, away from the river.

That's when I heard some splashing. Who in their right mind could have gotten onto our property? Young people these days have no respect. Assumed Marxist communal ownership, the bane of the political left. This intruder must be from Seattle.

To my surprise, it was just a kid. He couldn't have been more than four years old. To have gotten past the fence, he had some gall. And also some skills, as our fence was intended to keep invaders out.

I headed over to investigate. "What are you doing here, kid?"

He just looked at me, as if he had no idea what I had just said.

"Do you know about private property rights? This is my turf. You can't just come in and out. Have you ever read Adam Smith?"

He shrugged at me, and just sat down right in the middle of the water. Clearly the kid had been poorly parented. There was a lot of noise going on from the neighbors on the other side of the fence, so I decided we should relocate to a spot where he could hear me better. So I led him quickly through the water a few yards down. There was a bunch more caterwauling from the other side of the fence when I did that. The kid tried to sit down in the water again. I propped him up. There was no sense in him getting his pants wet. His mother would be upset.

I dragged him along with me a bit further down. Maybe the kid was deaf? Maybe I needed to talk louder. This was getting pretty annoying. I pulled myself up to full height.

"English, motherfucker, do you speak it? ENGLISH!" I yelled at him, doing my best Pulp Fiction impersonation.

That's when someone finally delivered my birthday shot.