FanStory.com - Return to the Dark Sideby SimianSavant

The terms of the grounding are severe: no time traveling, no incest, no politics. Luke Skywalker pouts in his room. "All I wanted to do was go to Tosche Club to pick up some--"

His thoughts are interrupted by a blinding ray of light as Leia dramatically teleports in.

Luke: Hey Leia, how's it going with you and Han?

Leia: He really pissed me off again by not calling me by my pronouns. What a jerk. How's it been down for you at the club?

Luke: Dad's mad that I didn't make a move on that Sith lord that he arranged for me. He's been making eyes at me lately, and, idk. I think he's kind of old. And REALLY religious. And are Sith really human?

Leia: We should rebel. YASSSSSSSS

Luke: with what?

Leia: well... did I tell you about the Ancestry.com test I just took?

Luke: and?

Leia: You'll never believe who our real dad is.

Luke: How bad can it be? Our dad is Darth Vader.

Leia: Yass no. Actually our bloodline goes back to the Middle East, to this guy named, let me see if I can pronounce it right, Moo Ham, Md. I think he's a doctor or something, and his parents were real into cows or something.

Luke: Wait, like the guy who started the religion? MOHAMMED?

Leia: YASSSSS!

Luke: YOUR KIDDING

Leia: no forealz. He's the guy we need to be rebelling against. Darth Vader must have been our uncle or something. He did a pretty good job, considering Mom's dead.

Luke: So what would piss off Mohammed the most?

Leia: Well, DarthDad is black. Not under his suit with David Prowse, who's white, but his James Earl Jones voice is black, and his suit is black. And once you go b--

Luke: LETS MARRY INTO BLACK ISLAM!!!

Leia: YASSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh just one thing, what are we gonna do about Han?

Luke: [blushes] You really want to get rid of Han?

Leia: Yasss no. I want him to become part of the family. Dad already accepts him. He's been holding him for us in the Carbonite. I talked Boba Fett out of selling him to Jabba, and paid him off.

Luke: You'd do that for me little sister?

Leia: I'm not that little. I was born like two minutes after you, but not in this episode silly. Births aren't allowed in this story. It happened in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

Luke: Well, Daddy Mohammed, it's time for some Sith REVENGE.

***

[two days later, in Vegas]

Darth Vader is walking Luke down the aisle of the mosque. Stormtroopers are on the left. They are taking photos of Vader in his imposing black cloak. Rebels are on the right, whistling at Luke who is wearing a black drag cape. A smiling Han is waiting for him, looking very masculine, rubbing carbonite out of his eyes at the end of the chapel.

Threepio: hey Lando, do you think the Princess Leia can use her powers of persuasion to get us some of that carbonite? We can use it to make the wedding rings!

Lando: Don't call Leia "her". It's "there".

MOHAMMED (looking down from the sky, obscured by a cloud to protect this story from blasphemy): what the heck??

[to be continued...]