FanStory.com - Darth Martinby SimianSavant

I am floating on a bed of water. It's not a waterbed, just to be clear. This is a family story. Get your mind out of the gutter. Also, there are no gutters. They haven't been invented yet.

I hear the words "Let there be light!"

A portal opens, backlit by the eye of Sauron. Mongol warriors flood through the portal, crashing and splashing all around me. As soon as they have arrived, they are gone. But they have deposited my two daddies onto a little island, just a few yards away. Things are growing on the island, fast. There is grass (not marijuana, but real grass). A grove of coconut trees has sprouted and my two daddies are drinking. One of them has a cosmo.

"Yo pops, what's up with the Mongolians?"

"It's a long story, son. We had a falling out with Darth Maul while time traveling and he is still hunting for us, but fortunately the portal only works one way and he can't see us yet. The galaxy hasn't been made quite yet. Sit back and watch the light show." Daddy Darth whips out a lightsaber and throws it up into the canopy of fronds, perfectly burning a coconut in half.

The coconut falls directly above Freddie Mercury. Just as it is about to hit him on the noggin, Daddy Darth lifts his gauntlet and presses his thumb and pointer finger together, and the coconut halves gently glide onto a table, where three glasses, a can of Dole pineapple, and a bottle of Pyrat rum are waiting.

"We thought we'd be real pirates for a day," says Daddy Freddie, smiling romantically at Daddy Darth, who reaches into the freezer for a bag of ice. In moments, he has force-crushed an appropriately proportioned volume of ice, and ingredients are flying into the glasses.

"What's the occasion?" I ask.

"It's my birthday, foo! But we don't talk about that. It's not a national holiday or anything." He beckons me.

I wade through the water and join them underneath the coconut trees. My two daddies light some candles with Daddy Darth's lightsaber. Stars start to appear in the sky. I make a wish.

Suddenly, the Mongol warriors are back. "Nooooooo!!!" I shout as they fling my daddies on their horses, dashing back through the portal, taking them to spend the rest of their days at a Mongolian petting zoo.