One afternoon in Heaven;
It was just right after prayers.
And God had almost finished up
That busy day's affairs;
His secretary buzzed Him,
And then in her nasal whine,
She said that she had Satan
Holding on the other line.
He wondered momentarily
If He should take that call.
He had a round of golf lined up
That ev'ning with St. Paul.
He didn't want a conversation
With that evil spawn,
But figured He should find out
What in Hell was going on.
And though He really wanted to
Just grab His clubs and go,
He said, "I'll see if I can ditch him
With a quick 'Hello'."
But when He picked the phone up
And He heard the Devil's bray,
He knew his game of golf was off,
And there'd be Hell to pay.
The Devil said, "What's up, God,
With this guy You sent to me.
He says that he's from Ireland,
And his name is Pat McKee."
"You've stuck me with a loser,
And I usually don't complain,
But maybe we can work a deal
If You let me explain."
"I've put him in the desert
Where it's torrid and bone dry,
But I can't seem to make him squirm
No matter how I try."
"He said he had a wife once
That reminded him of me,
And there was nothing I could do
As far as he could see"
"That matched the grief that he'd been through
While in his mortal role,
Contending with the likes of her
Before they dug his hole."
"I don't know what is going on,
But, God, for what it's worth,
He says things aren't so bad down here
As they are back on Earth."
"The lawyers that I have down here
Are causing me concern.
I think I'll have a problem with those
Cutthroats when they learn"
"That Pat's attending night school
And he's working on a scam
So he can practice law down here
Without a bar exam."
"He's going to be a problem
And right now I think you'll see
He's searching out a loophole
For a recent inductee."
"I'd really like to trade this guy
If it's alright with you.
I'll bet You've got some dubs up there
That somehow slipped on through."
"I'll take the whole lot off your hands.
For this one single guy.
He really has some talents
If you'd just give him a try."
"He'd really help your softball team
At shortstop or third base.
He's batting near four hundred,
And right now we're in first place."
"I know that it's unusual
But, oh God, the way it stands,
I'd sure as Hell be thankful
If you'd take him off my hands."
"He wouldn't strain your budget,
For his wants are very few.
A pint of beer and fish and chips
Three times a day will do."
"He's making passes at my wife,
But that's another story.
Why can't You find an open spot
For him in purgatory."
"I really don't know what to do
But I've an inclination
To let him take things over here
While I go on vacation."
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