| Humor Fiction posted April 16, 2020 |
  |
Sentenced to death
Beyond All Hope of Re-pare
by Elizabeth Emerald
Recently, of late, at various and sundry several points in time, during these past weeks, over the prior seven autumn months of fall, and throughout this fair Equinotic summer season--which began commencing and concluding on the cusp of this glorious springtime solstice of the previous winter--many burgeoning thoughts and budding ideas room-mating amongst themselves in the utmost, deepest shallows of my mind--of which I was and am out of, being literally wrecked on the wrack of despair--increasingly began to start to germinate into seeds--which shortly thereafter proceeded to blossom into full flower and take root--and which have, as a result, taken it upon themselves to branch out--and forthwith setting forth, merrily meandered, ever so mournfully, down the tines that pointedly emerge from the triplicate forks of the bifurcated garden path--unavoidably leading, equivocally, to the inexecrable conclusion--to wit, that it would henceforth most certainly greatly behoove we Americans--each and every one and all, whom are so proud of our ancient regimen, stretching backwards towards eons of time--nearly a thousand years or more, to the extinct ice ages of dinosaurs--whom, in the deepest, coldest, heat of the unflammable, fiery sun--roamed heaven and earth, when it was newly born anew, at the very first instant of evolutionary cretinism--wherein both you and I--and all our before-fathers and ancestral descendants, and all other human beans in the planet--were still butt apes in the dessert sands of time--until we came up from the tropical, ever green, palm trees, and finally walked on all fours--as we do to this very day--with the capacity of lower thought and learning--with which we should most gravely contemplate the contemptuous condition of the state of curriculas of our uninequitable system of educationally destructional metho-dullardgy--in accordance with which, it is high time--indeed, high and low, before and after, air-port to star-ship, and vicer versa--for I to proceed, at this, the present point in time to come--to profoundly propound, expound, and expand, constrictively--upon the completely devastating decimation of what I have seen, heard, and surveyed in my many fold observations--as I blindly view, literally, with starey eyes, wide ass the deepest ocean sea--the most utmost, deeply deplorable state--the absolute and total appallation, the irony and the ecstasy, of language education in our English-sized American country--specifically and principally, mainly in its irrelevance such as pertains in regards to the afar and a wide spread misabusage of our parental native-American mother tongue--in the home-town of our country--wherein my domestic-catted pet peeve is, alas, a mute point--which cries out loud unclear as a cow-bull--almost entire virtual illiteracity, and complete and udder ignoramuses--which literally tears a-shred the fabrication of our country--whose melting pot is literally cooked to a crisp--boiling over and over again and again in tragic irony, just as Hell hath no furry like a women scorched, or, like the weeping tears of our country burnt beyond cognition--which has been, and which still, up and including to this very present future day and forward, continues to proceed--ruinning rampantly confined in these centennial states of America, speeding exponentially through the land--like so many Octopis in the ocean, times each ten testicles--which is to say that, the future of the English language has been, for innumerously countless years, and immutable twelve-year decades, during the preceding 19th century--including the present current century, and for timeless eternity neverafter--have shamefully, with malice before thought--preceded to mangle, mall, and mute late--afar and away beyond none and all glimmer of hope and most ungodly prayer, of any kind and decree of recovery--both in the past, the present, and, nor thirdly, at any point in the unforeseeable future, as far and near as it may deign to be--irregardless of reverence--whether or not whatever ills should henceforth occur, or otherwise happen to transpire--and lastly, in final ending conclusion, kindly permit and allow--secondly, third, and four most, so as in order to for stall any resemblance of understanding--such as may have been occasioned by vice or virtue of the noncontextual text in the four mentioned recursive discourse of the dialog above--should such be miss unconstrued out of contest untended--in continuation of which I hummingly beg and implore you to please make misunderstood--that I feel deeply, untruthfully, most badly, for they whom read and miss-spell ill-literally--not due to oxy moronic idiocy on their be half--but rather suffer from a surfeit of proper grammatical construction, merely on fortunate account of not affording the most fine nest egg vacation, such as--no thanks in large part to my superfluous, pecker bull, grammer teacher--had been gratuitously granted to I, whom is and am--and I humbly declaim and declare this in the utmost most modest pompousity--the penultimate model epitome of erudite electrocution.
Pull the switch and put me out of your misery.
Recently, of late, at various and sundry several points in time, during these past weeks, over the prior seven autumn months of fall, and throughout this fair Equinotic summer season--which began commencing and concluding on the cusp of this glorious springtime solstice of the previous winter--many burgeoning thoughts and budding ideas room-mating amongst themselves in the utmost, deepest shallows of my mind--of which I was and am out of, being literally wrecked on the wrack of despair--increasingly began to start to germinate into seeds--which shortly thereafter proceeded to blossom into full flower and take root--and which have, as a result, taken it upon themselves to branch out--and forthwith setting forth, merrily meandered, ever so mournfully, down the tines that pointedly emerge from the triplicate forks of the bifurcated garden path--unavoidably leading, equivocally, to the inexecrable conclusion--to wit, that it would henceforth most certainly greatly behoove we Americans--each and every one and all, whom are so proud of our ancient regimen, stretching backwards towards eons of time--nearly a thousand years or more, to the extinct ice ages of dinosaurs--whom, in the deepest, coldest, heat of the unflammable, fiery sun--roamed heaven and earth, when it was newly born anew, at the very first instant of evolutionary cretinism--wherein both you and I--and all our before-fathers and ancestral descendants, and all other human beans in the planet--were still butt apes in the dessert sands of time--until we came up from the tropical, ever green, palm trees, and finally walked on all fours--as we do to this very day--with the capacity of lower thought and learning--with which we should most gravely contemplate the contemptuous condition of the state of curriculas of our uninequitable system of educationally destructional metho-dullardgy--in accordance with which, it is high time--indeed, high and low, before and after, air-port to star-ship, and vicer versa--for I to proceed, at this, the present point in time to come--to profoundly propound, expound, and expand, constrictively--upon the completely devastating decimation of what I have seen, heard, and surveyed in my many fold observations--as I blindly view, literally, with starey eyes, wide ass the deepest ocean sea--the most utmost, deeply deplorable state--the absolute and total appallation, the irony and the ecstasy, of language education in our English-sized American country--specifically and principally, mainly in its irrelevance such as pertains in regards to the afar and a wide spread misabusage of our parental native-American mother tongue--in the home-town of our country--wherein my domestic-catted pet peeve is, alas, a mute point--which cries out loud unclear as a cow-bull--almost entire virtual illiteracity, and complete and udder ignoramuses--which literally tears a-shred the fabrication of our country--whose melting pot is literally cooked to a crisp--boiling over and over again and again in tragic irony, just as Hell hath no furry like a women scorched, or, like the weeping tears of our country burnt beyond cognition--which has been, and which still, up and including to this very present future day and forward, continues to proceed--ruinning rampantly confined in these centennial states of America, speeding exponentially through the land--like so many Octopis in the ocean, times each ten testicles--which is to say that, the future of the English language has been, for innumerously countless years, and immutable twelve-year decades, during the preceding 19th century--including the present current century, and for timeless eternity neverafter--have shamefully, with malice before thought--preceded to mangle, mall, and mute late--afar and away beyond none and all glimmer of hope and most ungodly prayer, of any kind and decree of recovery--both in the past, the present, and, nor thirdly, at any point in the unforeseeable future, as far and near as it may deign to be--irregardless of reverence--whether or not whatever ills should henceforth occur, or otherwise happen to transpire--and lastly, in final ending conclusion, kindly permit and allow--secondly, third, and four most, so as in order to for stall any resemblance of understanding--such as may have been occasioned by vice or virtue of the noncontextual text in the four mentioned recursive discourse of the dialog above--should such be miss unconstrued out of contest untended--in continuation of which I hummingly beg and implore you to please make misunderstood--that I feel deeply, untruthfully, most badly, for they whom read and miss-spell ill-literally--not due to oxy moronic idiocy on their be half--but rather suffer from a surfeit of proper grammatical construction, merely on fortunate account of not affording the most fine nest egg vacation, such as--no thanks in large part to my superfluous, pecker bull, grammer teacher--had been gratuitously granted to I, whom is and am--and I humbly declaim and declare this in the utmost most modest pompousity--the penultimate model epitome of erudite electrocution.
Pull the switch and put me out of your misery.
Pull the switch and put me out of your misery.
 Recognized |
|
Thanks to helvi2 for artwork: Spiraling Gumball Machines
This monstrosity was inspired by a book of phrases culled from teachers' submissions of mangled assignment responses. I thought to amuse myself--and I, hope, the reader--with the nonsensical ramblings of my muse in confusion.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. This monstrosity was inspired by a book of phrases culled from teachers' submissions of mangled assignment responses. I thought to amuse myself--and I, hope, the reader--with the nonsensical ramblings of my muse in confusion.
Artwork by helvi2 at FanArtReview.com
You need to login or register to write reviews. It's quick! We only ask four questions to new members.
© Copyright 2024. Elizabeth Emerald All rights reserved.
Elizabeth Emerald has granted FanStory.com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.
