| Humor Script posted March 21, 2020 |
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Short humorous western script
John and Shorty Get Cabin Fever
by CrystieCookie999
Characters John Shane The Hero, 25-50. A John Wayne type who is open to suggestions and loves his faithful horse, Sterling. Shorty John's sidekick, 25-45. Rides horse named Jumper, has a creative streak. (This is a prequel to "The Legend of John Shane: Tale of the Rustlers' Trace". Only I wrote it after that one. So it is a sequel prequel. Say that five times fast without spitting. And anyway, Hollywood does it all the time.) Setting: Star Valley, Wyoming, 1896 Action (Sound of wooden door slamming. JOHN, in jeans and long-sleeved shirt, enters Stage Right, with some laundry detergent flakes on his head and shoulders, which he brushes off as if it were snow. SHORTY is right behind JOHN, in similar clothing, with some detergent flakes on his head and shoulders, too. SHORTY also brushes the flakes off.) JOHN Whew! Good thing we built that barn in time for this winter storm. Now our horses, Sterling and Jumper, will stay warm as long as we keep that little wood stove goin' in the barn corner. Boy, it's been a long time stuck in this cabin. SHORTY Yeah, and I'm runnin' out of arts and crafts ideas! JOHN What you been workin' on this time? SHORTY So glad you asked! (Smirks). I reckon some of my fine art will find its way to a genuine mausoleum someday! JOHN I think you mean MUSEUM. So let's take a gander at your latest creative rendering. Say, fetch them out here for a looksie. SHORTY (Retrieves first picture from behind stacked firewood, holds it up toward audience and JOHN). See here, I made a fine artistic repre-carnation of a cow. I used authentic kidney beans to mimic her fine, reddish-brown color. JOHN Ah ha! Very life-like. I sure can tell it's a cow. How'd you stick those beans on that parchment paper? SHORTY Molasses. But dontcha worry, there's plenty of beans and molasses for breakfast still. And lunch. (Sighs.) And dinner. JOHN Well, we can swap out. Go from kidney beans to white beans. SHORTY Um, er. Yeah. Well, take a look at my next work of art. (Pulls out next work from behind stack of wood. Holds it up toward audience and JOHN.) This is a wild, Wyoming mountain sheep. JOHN (Enthusiastically.) Fantastic! I can see the wool texture from here. Wait a minute, are those white beans? SHORTY Yup. JOHN Dagnabbit, Shorty, I was hoping to use them white beans to make a fancy French hummus later today. SHORTY Simmer down. You can still make hummus. There's black beans, too, although I used some to make another work of art. (Pulls out another picture. Holds it up toward audience and JOHN.) This here is a black bear. JOHN (Impressed and placated.) Gee, Shorty, you sure have achieved the 'bear' essentials with this one. Hey, what d'ya say we play cards next? SHORTY (Sighs.) Are we playing for--? JOHN Yep, beans. SHORTY Ugh. Same old. How about I loosen the hoop ring off that barrel of molasses, and we try doin' the hula hoop? JOHN Dang it, Shorty. You know what I told you about anachronisms. The hula hoop ain't gonna be invented until 1958. You gotta call it somethin' else. Otherwise this retro-western ain't gonna look like we done our research. SHORTY All right, let's call it the Huckster Hoop. (Removes hoop from barrel.) And maybe we'll get lucky, and a door-to-door huckster will show up and sell us somethin' new to play with! JOHN You sure do like new toys. Why dontcha read? SHORTY I read everythin' in the whole cabin already! (Leans hoop against wall. Pulls out vintage newspaper from stack of firewood and holds it up.) I read this newspaper thirteen times! And the worst part is, I laugh hysterically at the jokes every...single...time. John, I reckon I got cabin fever. (Two or three bars of ominous music. JOHN and SHORTY look up, a little puzzled at where music is coming from.) JOHN (Takes a step away from SHORTY.) Well, don't stand too close to me if you're sick! SHORTY Silly. Cabin fever ain't catchin' like whoopin' cough! We just gotta come up with somethin' new to do, and fast! JOHN Huh. How 'bout we practice ropin' our stools here? SHORTY Aw, the stools don't have horns like real-life steers. JOHN How about makin' another picture, with popcorn this time? You love popcorn, you know! SHORTY I tried that before I settled on the white beans for the sheep. The molasses soaked through it. JOHN How about gettin' some buckets full of snow, heat it by the fire and take another bath in the back room? I can read that newspaper while you're busy. SHORTY Naw. I had two baths this week already. That's almost a record for me. JOHN (Snaps fingers.) Hey, how about soap carving? SHORTY Say! That's an idea. Do you want a fluffy, little pussycat? (He pulls a cat head of soap out of his pocket.) Or a little, white piggy? (Pulls a pig head of soap out of his other pocket. Lays both soaps on small table.) See, I done exhausted my ideas. And yours, too! JOHN Well, you could always teach your horse, Jumper, to draw. SHORTY Naw. Jumper ain't got the artistic temperament. Plus he snickered at my horse drawings. JOHN Well, then, guess it's back to cards. Tell you what, winner doesn't have to clean up horse manure out of the barn tonight. SHORTY You're on! (Both JOHN and SHORTY sit down on stools, and JOHN starts shuffling deck.) (Lights down.)
Because one of us also has a little bit of cabin fever. Self-quarantine right now due to elderly mother. At least she keeps reminding me she is elderly.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. Thanks to MKFlood for the best cowboy artist horse ever. Artwork by MKFlood at FanArtReview.com 
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