Humor Script posted March 5, 2020


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Short humorous script about scammer and scammee

I Misconstrudel You

by CrystieCookie999


Slick Mick, a scammer with bad foreign accent
Charity Hupenhammer, a potential victim, exchange student still learning English, has sort of Swedish/German accent.

Lights up. In apartment, where Charity is about to get breakfast. Table with cereal, bowl, spoon, and chair, where Charity is seated. A cell phone is by bowl. Phone ring sound.

CHARITY, dressed in shirt and pants, answers her phone.

CHARITY
Hello? This is Charity, ya?

SLICK MICK
(Downstage, headset showing. He is dressed in loud suit and even louder tie.) Hello, Miss Hupenhammer?

CHARITY
Ya, that is me?

SLICK MICK
My name is Slick Mick. I am raising money for this very special charity....

CHARITY
(Eyes get wide, excited.) For me? You are giving money to me? How kind of you! Or do I mis-construdel vat you are saying?

SLICK MICK
(Just slightly thrown off.) I'm sorry? How are we giving money to you?

CHARITY
Ya, my name is Charity! So you must be giving the money to me? You want to know how? I will take it by certified bank check please.

SLICK MICK
I think we got off on the wrong track here.

CHARITY
Oh, I love Star Track. I would be glad to tell you how it ends.

SLICK MICK
No, no, no. Miss, I am trying to raise money for a special orphan plantation.

CHARITY
(Disappointed.) Oh, vell, if you are not giving money to me, at least you can help plant orphans. I did not even know you had orphan seeds. Do they need a lot of water?

SLICK MICK
Yes, I mean no! I don't know what I mean. This is a special orphanage, on a large farm.

CHARITY
A farm, eh? That must be a sheep way to house orphans. It vill not cost you so much.

SLICK MICK
Well, they need birthday presents. So if you will make a donation of twenty-five dollars today, one of the orphans will get a genuine gold-tone chain necklace.

CHARITY
But I am a poor college student! I need a gold-tone chain necklace more than they do. I don't even have a car, and yet I still have to cross the college campus every day on foot!

SLICK MICK
Really? Your shoes must be getting worn out.

CHARITY
Yes. In fact, I have bare feet right now! (Holds up foot, then realizes MICK cannot see it. Puts foot back down on floor.)

SLICK MICK
Well, I don't mean this to be a hardship to you, ma'am.

CHARITY
Ma'am? Ma'am? I am not even married! You are a loony tune!

SLICK MICK
Look, Ms. Hupenhammer? I am doing my job. I just finished English For Slow Learners, and I have to practice! What if I send you $5 to go toward new shoes, and you let me off the hook, so I can hang up this phone.

CHARITY
Make it ten dollars, and it is a deal, ya? After all, I am not running a charity for Slow English Learners. Here is my mailing address. And also, can you enclose those noodle packages that college students eat? I am getting really hungry.

SLICK MICK
Yes, ma'am, I mean Miss! Miss! Miss!

CHARITY
Vat? Are you getting shot at? I hope they miss you, too. But not as much as your mother misses you.

SLICK MICK
Gosh, let me just send you this ten dollars, ok? And you could use an English refresher course, too.

CHARITY
Duh! Vat do you think I am in college for? Say, you don't have a brother named Slick Rick, do you?

SLICK MICK

No... I am an only child.

CHARITY
Too bad. Well, send me a photo of your orphan plantation when the orphan flowers start blooming!

SLICK MICK
Er, right. Goodbye, Miss. The ten dollars will be on its way. Good-bye! (Hangs up on CHARITY).

CHARITY
(Turns off cell phone. Smiling.) Ten dollars more, and I will get those open-toed sandals soon. I do not know why they call them open toad shoes. They are not even frog-shaped! (Loud sigh.) Oh well, back to breakfast!

SLICK MICK
(Aside to himself.) Why didn't I eat breakfast this morning? It seems I always have to eat crow.



(Lights down.)



They Could Have Said... contest entry


To eat crow means having to retract your words, due to being humiliated. Thank you to avmurray for a piece that really depicts open-toed shoes.
700 words
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

Artwork by avmurray at FanArtReview.com

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