Alice's coffee shop was my refuge in the morning; permeated with warm spicy smells and a soft blur of conversation. Walked to the counter and Alice presented me with my usual calico clay mug with medium roast, mountain blend coffee with a liberal helping of half and half followed soon by a heated cinnamon roll with strawberry jam on the side.
Turning back, I searched for an open table and spotted one near the corner with the big window.

Perfect. Out of the way, I liked being out of the way.

Sitting down, I scanned the coffee shop for known faces and saw a few and nodded with a tilt of my head. This was a place of security for me, good coffee, good pastry and nothing to rattle my very organized and process driven world. Too many years in business and being alone had transformed me into this cardboard person now, but it was all that I knew. Surprises and spontaneity were not in my days anymore, and I guess that was okay.

I got up to see if the local paper was sitting on the counter and it was. I picked it up and turned to walk back to my table when I saw her. My eyes wanted to stare but I turned away and pretended to look out the corner window.

What a coward I am. Here was a 5 foot nothing lady and I am ducking for cover. Got safely back to my table and pretended to read my paper, but all the words were sort of blurry. Focus. Focus.

She walked up to the counter, waited patiently in line till she was next and ordered a medium roast with half and half and a lot of sugar. Doesn't she know sugar isn't good for you?

She also added a cinnamon roll with strawberry jam on the side, coincidence I am sure.
I peeked over the top of my paper and watched her move to a table about four away from me, then she turned, nodded her head towards me and sat down. Sat down quietly and efficiently. She smiled and I retreated behind my paper again. What's a fellow to do?

Put my paper down and slathered some jam on my cinnamon roll, peeked out the corner of my eye towards her and then took a bite, followed by a sip of coffee.

This lady was truly beautiful. Like no one I had ever encountered, and I noticed all the other guys and young men nodding and smiling at her. One of them even tipped his coffee cup to her and she laughed out loud...a vibrant and warming laugh.

I could hear my heart beating now and I was sure everyone else could hear it too. I was so embarrassed.

Her dress was gold and red and emerald green, maybe painted by a wild artist but beautiful and elegant. A circle of silver rings clutched it at her waist, seemingly without beginning nor end. The dress looked so soft and laid upon her form like another skin but respectfully, not giving up any secrets to the many prying sets of eyes. Her hair was the color of copper wire and seemed to glow from the morning sun's rays. Small gold hoop earrings peeked out from beneath her waist length hair, playing hide and seek. But the choker she wore around her neck, one of black lace about an inch and ¾ wide, and flecked with gold, was the item that drew every eye to that delicate neck and her alabaster skin.

Nice.

"Oh my," I said to myself. I was wandering along the trail of my imagination for the first time in many, many years.

Another coffee sip followed by a bite of roll and jam. All in order. All neat and under control. All within my comfort zone.

Looked up to gaze out the window and darn if she wasn't looking directly at me again and smiling. I turned around to see who she was looking at but there was no one behind me. Oh boy! I turned back slowly, looking up at the ceiling as if I was counting something, or making a difficult decision

She did not look away from me. I tried to measure a response to her, but I had nothing to give. No card to play.

So, I picked up my coffee, took a sip and smiled in return.

She smiled back and I felt the presence of whoever she was reach out and brush my face. Warm. Breezy. Comforting. All things I was very unfamiliar with.

And then the terror started to rise up inside and I felt as if someone had a hose spraying my armpits, someone else wrinkling my shirt and did my socks match? My comfort zone had been obliterated by her smile and electric gaze.

Her left hand was wrapped around her coffee cup and the other rested flat on the table, and then it wasn't. It was moving up off the table and beckoning towards me again. Another smile, a nod and those sparkling emerald eyes walked straight into me.

There are only so many times you can read an eight-page paper that is mostly ads, and I was sure I had exceeded the limit. What is the limit? I wished the paper was larger to create a place of refuge, but it wasn't. It was the exact same size as when I picked it off the counter. The exact same size as my life right now. Measured and creased and orderly. Do I dare get up and go over? And if so, what do I say? What do I do with my hands, my eyes? How would I explain the perspiration on my upper lip?

I was moving the blocks of conversation phrases in my head, blocks made from things I had been told, things I believed about myself. So many piles of blocks, many brightly colored, many washed out from too many tears, many others broken from trying too hard to build something that didn't have a solid foundation. Other blocks I was sure were not mine, but they were in my head nonetheless, taking up space and limiting my thoughts and maybe even my imagination.

I stood up. I looked directly at her. I willed my feet to move. I put the paper down and it slipped off the table and fluttered to the floor. Normally a neat person but I just left it there and walked over to her. That smile of hers dimmed the sun and she said, "Please sit down."

And I did.

I felt as if I was staring down into an abyss as I avoided eye contact for a few seconds, but then I looked into her eyes and felt the most unsettling sensation in my life...as if I had been dead but was now brought back to life, here and now.

She stated, "Been a while, Huh?"

"A while for what?" I mumbled back while trying to maintain a grip on the coffee shop table. My hands felt three feet long and I didn't know where to place them.

"A while since you jumped into life and took a chance on something you didn't know how it would turn out, "she softly spoke through clear lip gloss, almost glowing it seemed.
And then she placed her hand over mine.

Out of nowhere, in my coffee shop, in my nice, neat, orderly and for sure safe coffee shop, she touched me.

At first, I had the sensation of falling but quickly realized I was sitting in my chair. Then I was starting to feel queasy, unsettled and that's when I saw she had placed her other hand under the one she was resting her right hand on, a hand sandwich. Her eyes were locked on mine and I felt her fingers gently walking on the top of my hand till they reached my wrist and slowly encircled it. Oh my, I must look like a deer in the headlights right now but she only had a look of care and concern and something else I hadn't seen on the face of a woman before.

Well, that was easy, since I hadn't been this close to many women's faces ever, at all.

It is stated in science books that time compresses and expands throughout the universe. Today my time seemed to be expanding for sure...expanding to encompass this amazing lovely woman sitting across from me. My hands were so warm and experiencing a feeling I did not recognize, but I knew that I should have, somewhere at some time but had no recollection at all.

The touch of another has always been the forerunner of some level of intimacy and therefore can be terrifying to the male species. Okay, maybe not terrifying but maybe only...no, I am going to stick with terrifying.

I wish I had my guy's "what to do now" book but I never bought it, didn't think I would ever read or need it. Boy, was I wrong and hopelessly lost right now.

She lifted the hand resting on top of mine, placed it gently under my chin and gave a little upward motion so I was looking directly into her eyes. They were gentle eyes, filled with sparkles and just deep enough to jump into without fear, more of a restful hammock between two favorite trees.

I'm over thinking this maybe.

She spoke the words "Good morning!" and never broke her gaze.

I knew she sensed that at the moment, I was completely and utterly lost and then she said, "Hi."

Her hand lowered back to rest on mine and I followed it all the way down while counting the fingers. There were five, not four like on the sarcastic and hateful cartoon villain characters. Five, five was the number of times I had met someone here for coffee in the last eight years. Suddenly my suit of armor I wore to protect my life, my heart, was very heavy, uncomfortable and melting around me. Was I the only one that tasted the smoke roiling up in my life?

"Are you ready?" She softly spoke.

"Ready for what?"

"To restart your life, to poke the embers of your heart, to do something you don't know how it will turn out" she whispered to me.

"No" I said.

"Remember when your friend Evan died six years ago? You sat in the service and whispered to never let that happen to me. To be alone. To be mostly friendless. Please help me to not be Evan anymore."

"I'm the answer to that request. My heart is overfilled with love and care and desires to share with you. I'm just the right height, just the right temperament, just the right touch and just the right amount of everything you need to become alive again."

"No" I said again.

"No what?"

"No, I can't. It's too hard. It'll take too long, be too uncomfortable, be too disruptive, be a wreck to my life's schedule and I don't know how to risk all that," I said. I felt a tear starting to run down my left cheek and then one rolling down my right one. I was searching for the trap door in the floor I could fall through but couldn't locate it.

She stood up in all her radiant beauty, walked around to the table to me and asked me to stand up, but I just shook my head and scattered the tears towards my ears.

"No" I said again. "Aren't you listening to me?"

She said "No" this time and took both my hands in hers, stood me up and turned me to face her. I knew that everybody in my coffee shop would be staring at us, but they weren't.
She started telling me things of my life, talking low and lovingly. Spoke good things into my life. Spoke kindness and comfort and trust and found all the missing pieces of my life's puzzle and re-assembled them before my eyes. She used her thumbs to wipe the tears from my cheeks and smiled. She said there may be a few more of these soon but not too many, I promise you.

She took my left hand in her right hand, looked at me one more time and said, "Are you ready?"

Weighing all the options I had and looking at all the building blocks in my life, I said, "Yes."
"Can we get a cup of coffee to go" I asked?

She laughed and stated that would be fine.

I walked up to the counter and asked Alice for a cup of coffee to go please. She stared at me and said, "But you never get coffee to go. And by the way, who is that lovely lady with the amazing dress and long hair?"

"An answer to a prayer" I stated loudly so everyone would hear. I looked back at her and she was both smiling and slightly laughing. I believed this cup of coffee may be the best one I've ever had in my life and looked at her and knew I was right for once in my life in matters of the heart.