Hope you are listening, God. I wouldn't want to have to try and remember all of what I am to say, again, down the road.

You are more than aware of the severely, low times, that I seem to keep running into, all of my life here on earth. So I ask you, have I done something to piss you off?

And at such an early age, disappointment after another. Never the right appreciation for who I am, only degrading remarks for who I didn't become. It appears, that I was allotted to miss all the success I should have acquired. Through the hard physical work and scholastic courses I endured, nothing spectacular evolved because of them.

So I ask you again, just what did I do to deserve, never living a full and happy life? I'm not saying that I've never been happy, we know how I laugh when I'm having a good time, I'm referring to never having that warm, fuzzy, content feeling, right to the core of me, happiness. Honestly, I don't think I've ever or will ever, the rate my life is still going, find true happiness or love for that matter.

Ya, what about the love in my life? You blessed me with my mother, I wouldn't want anyone else. You gave me my daughter and granddaughter, which allows me to pour out my love on them, whether they want it or not. I really don't have a complaint with this part of my family.

What I want to know is, why don't I ever seem to feel loved back from a partner in my life. Some have said they love me, but I don't really feel it. Am I expecting too much? I give my all to a spouse, if I feel that I am being thought of as the only one in their life, they get all of me.

Now my health is becoming a downward, crash movement. I don't know if I am going to overcome any of the troubles and still have a few good years ahead of me. Why all the secrets now? At least a firm diagnosis would allow me to know one way or another what my future days will look like. So what gives?

You know I'm one of your best givers. Not just to who I know but to all those on the streets, that for two separate years, took presents to them at Christmas time. You know I didn't expect anything for doing that and I really felt good for what I had done. But what happened to me, receiving an honest gesture from someone, a show of caring?

I don't know what you are thinking right now, but I know you should have been thinking sooner about me and the roads you allowed me to travel on. I mean, I do blame myself for my choices but I blame you for allowing me to even be that close to disasters. You could have sent an angel to steer me in the right directions, just cause you care.

I know I'm a good person but I feel I've been cheated out of the life that so many others live. It would be nice if I could get a definite sign from you, letting me know that everything is going to be okay for a few more years to come. But I won't be expecting it, that way it will be a surprise, not a disappointment when I don't get a sign.

A lost, unbelieving lamb