On Choosing Joy

October 27, 2016


A friend I've loved since we were seven and in the same Brownie troop may be receiving some horrible news tomorrow about tumors discovered behind her nose and down her throat.

My first impulse, when she relayed the news, was to become maudlin and fatalistic about every facet of life, not merely the precarious nature of hers: What is the point of it all? Everything is finite anyway, so there's no sense in even trying.

Next was to spew the Why's of Unfairness: Why her, when she's so caring and decent and productive and kind? Why not the subversives I encounter so frequently? Why now when she's still so young? Why ever?

Finally came Despondency: How in the world can I possibly be happy without her?

But then --mercifully-- the Teacher in me kicked in: We are all here to learn. And here's what this incredible friend has taught me throughout the past fifty-three years by the examples she sets every day:

1) To choose decency. She is always fair and considerate with her words. She's not a lay-down, but neither does she take out her disappointments or frustrations on people --even the ones who provoked them. She is a consummate diplomat.

2) To be fearless. She's gone overseas on her own, just for the joy of a new experience. She's also sustained many personal losses and worked through them on her own then quietly reported back after she'd conquered her demons.

3) To never be frivolous. No matter how large or small a decision, she gives it serious weight and consideration. She is well-informed and wise.

4) To be extremely compassionate. She doesn't merely donate money to "good causes," she gives her time and talents to countless organizations constantly.

5) To be a wonderful, active listener. She doesn't interrupt or focus on anyone else when someone is talking to her. And she remembers everything people tell her and never shares their information.

6) To think globally. She has been to so many countries that she can offer great insights into how situations can be viewed differently as a result.

7) To be deep. Nothing is one-dimensional in this life.

8) To not resist change. Rather, trust your coping skills.

9) To recognize and appreciate the "simple things" every single day that make life better.

10) To give people the benefit of the doubt and not accumulate conflicts. Life is too short to dwell on negatives. Delete and move on.

Not surprisingly, this list represents only the merest tip of her mountain of stellar attributes. But still, even this is enough to enable me to carry on her goodness should she be unable to do so herself. I could dwell on this possible impending loss --because it would, indeed, be a substantial one-- but she taught me far, far better than that.

I may not love the awfulness that could potentially lie in her future, but I love her, so I am not about to burden her further with my own sorrow. Rather, we'll be flying through it together, giving strength and courage to anyone paying attention.