“Grandma, you just sit tight back there and rest your eyes.  We’ll be at the Emergency Room before you can say, um, Abercrombie and Fitch.”

“Why’d I wanta say a dumb thing like that?”

“Okay.  How about Abergail Abernathy?”

“Who in sam hill is that?  Hey, you went the wrong way.  You shoulda…”

“Grandma, I know where I’m going.  I’m trying to get you to the doctor as quick as I can.”

“Well, I’m beginnin’ to feel faint.”

“Grandma, I’m hurrying.  Just take it easy.”

“Take it easy?  I’m sittin’ back here in a ocean a blood and you up there tryin’ to antagernize me, by goin’ the wrong way, more’n you already done.  You just about sliced the enda my finger clean off, ya know!”

“I know and I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” 

“Sorry don’t help my finger any.”

“Grandma, I didn’t know you were reachin’ for the white asparagus.”

“Maybe you should wear glasses.  S’pose my finga had ended up in thet salad? Bet yer fancy mah jongg friends wouldn’t darken yore door again.  Whatcha wanna bet?”

“Tell you the truth, Grandma, I just as soon they didn’t.  I’m not fond of the game and there are things I’d much rather be doin’ with my time.”

“Like what? Harrassin’ yo grandma?”

“Yessum. Like that.  Like harrassin’ and slicin’.”

“Ha ha ha. Harrassin and slicing – that’s funny.  We there yet?”

“Yes ma’am, almost.  Now, you know, the doctor will probably give you a shot of Novocain to …”

“Rather have a shot of whiskey.  Best pain killer there is.”

“Don’t think so, Grandma. And you’ll probably have some anti-biotic pills, too.  We’ll stop and get ‘em on the way home.”

“If you don’t get us lost on the way home.  Sometimes I think you ain’t exactly clickin’ on all fours.”

Heavy sigh from the front seat.

“Didn’t mean to hurt yer feelins, there, Honey Bun.  Just joshin’ you a little.  But, you do go the strangest ways to get to places, sometimes.”

“Well, Grandma, I may not be clickin’ up to your standards, but so far I’ve managed to get us where we’re supposed to be, thank the Lord.”

“Good. I think ya oughta thank Him for some other things, too.”

“Oh?  Like what?”

“Like me.”

"Maybe I should, Grandma.  What in the world would I do without that razor-sharp tongue of yours?  How could I get anywhere in this town without your backseat drivin’?”

“Don’t know.  Been wonderin’ that myself.”

“Well, here we are.  Now sit tight, and I’ll come get …”

“Can’t sit no tighter.  You got me strapped in like a mummy.”

“Okay…here we go. Can you lean over a little that way, so I can reach the seat …”

“Your hair’s in my face.  It tickles…ha ha ha.”

“Grandma, I can’t get to the seatbelt unless you lean over toward the door…OH! OOPS!
NO! OH, WHOA! STOP.   GOTCHA!”

              Later (interminably) in the examining room…

Doctor: “Mrs. Steele, I’m just going to deaden this a little so you won’t feel the stitches… here… and here, and … tell me, how’d you get this wound?”

“My granddaughter tried to cut my finger off.”

“Grandma!  Don’t say that.  You know that’s not true.”

“Is, too. Doc, she thought it was a asparagus, can you believe that?”

Doctor: (chuckle) "How’d she get custody of it?”

Granddaughter:  “She reached over to grab the asparagus just as I was slicing. I feel awful about it.”

Grandma: “You should.”

Doctor: “There you are, Mrs. Steele, all fixed up.  Try to keep it dry until you get the stitches out.”

Grandma: “How’m I ‘sposed to do that? Gotta wash my hands and shower ya know.”

Doctor: “Here. Use these.” (hands her a package of finger rubbers.)

Grandma: “Rubbers?  For my finger?”

Doctor: “It goes right over the bandage –keeps the wound dry.”  

Grandma: “Huh.  Is this the same kind of…”

Granddaughter: “Thank you very much, Doctor.  Come on, Grandma.”

In the car going home…

“He was nice, didn’t you think, Grandma?  He did a good job on your finger.”

Grandma: “You’re the one did a job on my finger.  The doc… I think he got the thingie for my finger mixed up with the thingie for something else.”

Granddaughter: “No, he didn’t.”

Grandma: “Kinda cute.”

Granddaughter:” Cute? The rubber thingie?”

Grandma: “The doc.  And you just missed our street.”