Dial H for Hitman

"The address is 189056 Erving Ave."

I copy it down on the counter top.

"That's in Portland, right?"

"Yes."

I speak slowly as I write it out, "Port...land... Maine."

"No. NO. It's Portland, Oregon. I told you that."

"Not Maine? I thought you said Maine."

"Look. Just copy it down while I spell it out to you."

I erase the writing on the counter top but the eraser smudges it. I move the pencil below the smudge. "Okay. Ready."

"1.8.9.0.5.6. E.r.v.i.n.g.A.v.e.n.u.e.P.o.r.t.l.a.n.d.,O.r.e.g.o.n."

"Got it. And the money?"

"$2,500 was deposited to your bank account this morning. The rest after you kill her."

"She's a bad person, right? I only kill bad people."

"Yes. She's a bad person."

"What did she do?"

"That's none of your business. You're a professional hitman, aren't you? It shouldn't matter."

"Of course it matters. She might be a sweet old lady for all I know. Do you expect me to take your word that she's bad?"

He was quiet for a long time.

"Hello? Are you still there?" I asked.

I heard him whisper to himself, "This is a mistake."

"Sorry. Didn't catch that."

"She's bad. She's... a shoplifter. She's stolen lots of things from department stores, jewelry shops, and many other places."

"It hardly seems that she should be killed for that."

"And she shot a security guard during a robbery."

"Now that would make her bad. Did she kill him?"

"Yes. She killed him."

"Okay. How will I recognize her?"

"I sent a picture to your phone."

I open my cell and find the picture. "Wow. She's a looker. It'd be a shame to kill such a pretty woman. Are you sure you can't find a way to make up with her? Change her?"

"No. She's totally bad. She needs to be stopped. Permanently."

"Such a waste. If you're sure, how do you want it done?"

"That's what I want you to decide. You're the pro."

"Yeah, but I mean do you want it to look like an accident? Do you want it messy... blood all over the place? Do you want her to suffer?"

"Oh god, I don't want to think about that. Can't you make those decisions?"

"I think it's your decision. I don't know the woman. I could gut her and leave the entrails all over the floor, but does she deserve that? Should I just slit her wrists and hold her in the tub while she bleeds out? I could beat her before I kill her. I've had some people ask me to scalp..."

"Stop it! I don't want to think about how its done, much less hear those awful things. This is a mistake. Just refund my money and let's call this off."

"Sorry, no refunds."

"But you haven't done anything. I want my money back."

"Sorry."

I held the phone away from my ear for what I knew would come next. BLAM. The phone was slammed down. I smiled to myself. I love contentious breakups.