General Script posted October 8, 2018

Chapters:

...46 47 -48- 49...

Excellent

Ned needs a trophy mounted

A chapter in the book Scenes

Scene at the Taxidermist

by Bill Schott

Ned meets Pons' friend, Camp, at the taxidermist. Camp: Hey, Ned! Funny meeting you here. Ned: Hope meetin' me here IS funny. Wink, wink. Camp: Wink, wink? Nodding towards the fourth wall, Ned grins and widens his stare at Camp. Ned: Seems somebody's been recordin' me and Ponsezez git tagetters. Camp: You're being stalked? Ned: Nobody's bin atalkin', but ev'ry once in a while one a our meetin's finds its way onto the winnernet. Camp: (Speaking slowly) You mean the in-ter-net. Ned: You windin' down, Camp? Camp: No, Ned. So why are you here? Pulling a huge ball of fur out of his jacket pocket, he shows it to Camp. Camp: (Startled) What the hell is that!? Ned: It's my guinea pig, Rosco. Camp: You're getting a guinea pig stuffed?! Ned: Heck, no. Thad be purdy dumb, Camp. Camp: Well, Ned, to be truthful, you really do seem to be quite stupid. Ned: Well, Camp. I wouldn't never think ta stuff a guinea pig what weren't dead. Camp: That thing is alive? Ned: Well, yeah. If I were carryin' around a dead, little furball, I would be as stupid as you think I am. Hey! Why do you think I'm so stupid? Camp: Before I answer that, tell me -- is that creature alive or dead? Ned: He's alive, 'course. Been sleepin' a spell though. Camp: How long has it been sleeping? Ned: Since last Tuesday. Camp: (raising his voice in frustration and anger) Jeez oh Pete, Ned! You are the dumbest person I have ever met! I have no idea why Pons even hangs around with you. Ned: Think I should wake Rosco up? Camp: Wake him up!? Wake him up!? Ned: Okeedoke. Hey, Rosco. Wake on up. While both men stare at the still animal in Ned's hands, the proprietor steps up. Prop: Hey, Gents. How can I help you? Camp: I have come to see if my marlin is finished. Prop: I'll check. (Then turning to Ned) How about you, fella? Ned: I come to see iffin my raccoon were done. Prop: Oh, is that yours? Ha ha. That was a fun project. Yes, it is indeed done. (Looking at the guinea pig in Ned's hand) This another critter you want mounted? Ned: Naw. He's jes' sleepin'. Camp: Who are you kidding, Ned? That puffed up rat is dead as a door knob. You are either morbid, stupid, or plain crazy. Ned: I ain't crazy ner as dumb as you think I am. So I prob'ly ain't morp-ped neither. Suddenly the guinea pig moves in Ned's hand. Camp: (Shocked) Hell's bells, Ned! I can't believe that thing is alive! Ned: Oh yeah. He gits movin' 'round later in the day, like now. Then he turns into a bat and flies out the winder at night. Both the store proprietor and Camp stare at Ned, then at each other. Camp: I'll -- uh, I'll come back for that marlin. (Camp moves to the exit and dashes out.) The proprietor leaves and returns with Ned's mounted animal. It is a raccoon, standing and seeming to roar, like an attacking bear, at a smaller, male action figure. Prop: This was hilarious to make. Thanks for the idea. Ned: It looks great. Thanks. Oh yeah, can you stuff my guinea pig? Prop: I thought he was alive and turned into a bat at night? Ned: No, he don't do that. I did put a transistor battery under'm wit a wire so's I could make him move once in a while. He started gettin' ripe though, so I thunk you could make him look okay. Prop: It's too late for your friend, Ned. It would be best to bury him and get another. You sure put a scare into your friend though. Smiling, Ned headed out with his mounted raccoon . Just outside the taxidermy, he set the raccoon down on a bench and pulled his guinea pig out. Ned: (Turning the rodent’s head to face him, Ned whispers.) Hey, Ned. Jes' drop me in that there trash can, and later, I'll turn into a fampyra bat and fly away. (Then tossing it into the can) See ya, Rosco. Happy Hallerween.   Write A Review Image from Google Pays one point and 2 member cents. You need to login or register to write reviews. It's quick! We only ask four questions to new members.