Now I have been to many Do's that's put me to the test,

And I have drunk both beer and wine, sipped champagne with the best.

But this weekend I'll now recall, right here in Melbourne town,

It takes the cake as functions go, an experience to put down.



We all arrived at the motel booked, two months or more ahead,

To our surprise a double meant, you shared two single beds.

Worry not Fiona spoke, she knows what she's about,

Just come with me, we'll front the desk, I'll have this sorted out.



We called for Chinese takeaway, before the taxi call,

An evening with the footy crew, at the Moony Ponds Town Hall,

With suitcase open, donned the garb, although the theme was school,

We dressed up in our finery, so not to look the fool.



Then stamped and issued with a glass, we stood around to chat,

When mothers legs got tired, she then sat down the back.

But little did she think just then, a show she'd not forget,

With the crowd in gathered circles, we have the stage now set.



Some folks were in a happy mood, let's party was the go,

And to the back this blonde now went, the crowd she had to show.

Then lifting up her tunic high, she showed the boys her bum,

But her tattooed rear to impress them now, really shocked my mum.



Next to the main hall, music blared, we had a feed of beef,

No tables free, the floor we sat, with plates upon our knee.

Next up to dance, the music loud, a disco atmosphere,

But Mum and Dad this noise did stop, with paper in each ear.



Now Barn was getting anxious too, his poem he must read,

The D.J. Got him up on stage, we hope he would succeed.

But the crowd was not receptive, let fly with stale old buns,

So better luck next time dear Dad, you can't compete with bums.



Then Greg thought he would fix it up, get Billy over here,

To meet our Dad and make things right, create a little cheer.

But some how on the way Greg found, a Duckworth hard to shove,

And we all though a fight was on, when the push got rather rough.



However all must come to pass, the evening drew a close,

We ventured back, a cup of tea, for some a little doze.

For others stomachs did not hold, the bowl became a friend,

As you can see our big night out, came to a fitting end.



So if you want excitement lads, good cheer, strip shows, and fights,

It's all down there in Melbourne town, at the Essendon Footy nights.

I'm sure the Dons would welcome you, and now when all is said.

I'll charge my glass, raise my hand, and salute the black and red.