My daughter Screamed at me; "You never believed in this religion!, I'm going to live it better than you and dad ever did!"

I replied, "You don't have the right to tell me what I believe or how badly I have lived, until you try living your beliefs for twenty-five years, Only then can you judge me".

This was a conversation that I had with my oldest daughter, years ago.

I had not seen her for three years. Not because I did not love her, or that she did not love me; but because a man claiming to be "The prophet of god", said she shouldn't have any contact with me because I was an "Apostate".

When my grandfather was the prophet of our group, with a council of seven men, They had a better balance when teaching us.
Gradually The seven died or broke away from this group and were not replaced. When the last of the seven died, one of his sons became the self-appointed prophet. Before his father died this son had been the one to stand up and speak for his father, after he died this son took on the position and his fathers wives.

When we were devoted followers, we watched this young man grow up, first he was assigned to handle the private school our children attended.
He displayed fanaticism even then. At this time he stopped our children's education involving American history, he re wrote their reading assignments, directing their learning toward his teachings only.
His fixation on all things sexual, showed as he taught morning classes, he advised our innocent children "Do not look at your naked bodies When you are bathing".
Often saying, "Boys are as naturally drawn to girls as bees are drawn to honey".

This pious young man instigated a school policy requiring all teachers, students , girls and boys, to be inspected each morning; skirts, dresses shirts and pants were measured to see that they met requirements of length, fullness and material thickness making sure under garments did not show, girls clothing could never have a waistline with a point because it directed the eyes to private spots.

As his father became less able to speak and attend meetings, this boy spoke more frequently for him. I watched as he began courting his fathers young wives, after he went to jail for rape of both boys and girls, it was discovered how perverted he really was.
He questioned students about home practices encouraging them to report on their parents.

Finally we realized that this religion was flawed and our children needed to be free of it. By the finish our family was split and only one wife remained. Much of this was my doing, I cannot express the joy of walking into a home and finding no one angry or disapproving there.

How could I explain my mistakes to my daughter, or get her to understand how close she is to repeating them, I don't know how to make her realize she is following a dangerous path.
We her parents pushed her to marry a boy she did not know, because the prophet said she "Belonged" to him.
It was we who taught her to believe in "Celestial Marriage", meaning a man was supposed to take at least three wives to reach it after death.

She had every right to be angry, saying she thought we would disown her if she refused. She learned to love her appointed husband and was a mother by then.

This new turn took two of my daughters away, one came back, she also loved her appointed husband. She refused to leave him, waiting until he too realized they must leave this religion.

I still feel guilty and sad, I miss my daughter and her children.
I could endure not seeing them if I know they are safe and happy.

The boy she married seemed to love her and be good.
Now I think they have been pulled apart. This happens many ways, sometimes the husband is disowned because he had bad thoughts or The woman is rejected because she had a mis-carriage, "Murder", in the leaders words. She was rejected and I think she with her children are somewhere, I would be delighted if her husband was with her. I confess to being glad that they are away from this group, no matter how it happened.

In polygamy some times the problem is not that a man does not have love for a wife or her children but because he loves another woman more, most times the problems come because wives are competitive, but also many women suffer violent abuse both physical and emotional, This I have experienced first hand. Always a woman is left crying, and children are treated according to their mothers position with the man.

This leader is known to separate families when he deems the father is unworthy.
Many times women and children are separated from a father and husband they love, given to a more worthy man, whom usually already has a huge family. If a woman refuses she is convinced she is committing herself and children to eternal damnation, also the man having this extra family has no choice. The confusion and pain have lasting results.

When a mother is living and raising only her children, she can treat them as she feels is right, not fearing another's disapproval.
In a family with many mothers, she must gain permission and approval of everyone living in the home. Many such families are subject to which woman the man favors, her children then are the best, and as a woman is pushed down the line so are her children. In my experience the children usually protected each other.
The fable is that everyone involved is better off, children have many loving mothers and mothers can take turns with choirs and husband.

In my life I spent more time trying to contain my family, keeping us all together with problems of adults taking most of my time and attention, often children were left to comfort each other and I am as guilty as anyone.

My thoughts at the time were that if the children were in a broken family more damage would be done.

Looking back, It has taken over ten years just to clear my thinking, I see so much more now. When living in such a way, I did not as they say "Look under the rug", Once done it cannot be undone. Also for myself I learned not to question, only after I would think things through and realize something did not add up, even when the children I gave birth to were involved, I allowed someone else to control things. I struggled in this religion for almost 28 years. In many ways the children struggled as well three of my children married by appointment. I cannot fix these mistakes. When I left this life I was old and everything was new and needed to be learned by mistake. Mortgages, taxes, health care all I had learned not to ask questions about.
I finally obtained my high-school diploma.

My grand children are my way of showing my children how I wish I had treated them, My grand-children are my absolution.

When my personal demons keep me awake at night, I write letters to my children that will never be sent, such as this one:

Sweet Lindy Sue,

It seems that much of my life has been used up waiting.
As a child I waited for Daddy to come home, or the end of the week, for an outing or for something exciting to happen.
As a pre-teen I waited for school to start, then for it to end.
I waited for a friend, I waited until I could get a job, and always waited to get over an illness.
As a teen because I worked away from town I waited for days off from my job so I could go home.

Finally I waited to get married because that was supposed to be the most important thing a girl should do.

After marrying a young man picked for me, I found myself waiting for him to come home, then I waited for children to be born, then for money to be more plentiful.
Next I waited for my husband to bring home another wife, after this happened I waited much more. Waiting for time with him, waiting for him to act like he missed me, waiting for the empty feeling in my stomach to go away.
I learned to fill the waiting with other things, The children helped.
I realize now that I made my darling children wait too. You waited to be the center of someone's life. You were so patient during the trials a family like ours went through.
You waited while I paid more attention to everything in our lives except my own children.

I waited too long to tell my children how important they were to me.
When you had your own babies it was wonderful for me. I enjoyed spoiling them feeling like perhaps you realized I wish I had spoiled you.

I have more grand children and always enjoy them, but I miss you and yours. Kids grow up secure if they receive the love they deserve, knowing they are beautiful, smart and loved. For little girls, the knowledge that they aren't limited in education options because of their sex is retribution.
You are a great mother, I have seen this and realize you are far better at this than I was.
I hope that if you continue following this religion you somehow see through the mist created around it, and live it because it feels right and gives you happiness.
I lived it because my parents expected me to, also because I felt I was not good enough to have a man all my own.
You are nothing like me. Hopefully you know that you are special, you do not need to take a step back or become second best.
Think of your own daughter and sons, remember the pain it causes.
Put your children in your shoes a few years from now, will they want this? Did you want this?.
Have your children seen enough to know the choices available, both good and bad?.
Do you want your children worrying about shoes and food for their children, or do you want them working on things that improve theirs and others lives?.

I now feel different about religion, I am not sorry I married because it gave me my children.
The regrets I feel are that so many suffered and were mistreated, so many needs I did not even see.
When I married I felt I had it all, I experienced passion, love and friendship for awhile.

My story is not a sad story, it does not have an ideal ending but it was the best I could do at the time.

Gaining emotional distance I see so much clearer, the violence and wrong you experienced should never be repeated.

I cannot be sorry because I was allowed to love more than just my children. Each child was special. If we change the bad we may also loose the good.

Even those that hurt us will not be around forever, if we can see a way to forgive them we may find peace.

This is not an apology for my mistakes or an excuse.
It is an apology because I did not hold on to you harder and show how important you are to me.

Even religion cannot be blamed for our mistakes, we need to understand our own mistakes and improve as the generations grow.

I have learned late in my life that the more secure and content the parent is so the children will be.

I wait again to hear if someone has seen you, I look in crowds thinking you were there. You are in my thoughts and I wait for a call.

Your many brothers and sisters think of you, they have not given up on having you in our lives.

It is Mothers Day and someone is missing.

Your mom.