Humor Fiction posted August 27, 2014


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crediability snap

Don't Try This Line @ Home

by Deniz22



I was watching a TV drama the other night. In one scene, the tipsy protagonist stumbled home in the early morning.

Naturally, his concerned wife asked, "Where have you been?"

Looking like something that no self-respecting cat would drag in, he mumbled, "I just needed some time for myself."

And with that, hearing no more questions from his spouse, he was off to bed.

I can guarantee any and all that this little scene would never fly in my house. Nor would it, I believe, gain any kind of appreciable altitude with any normal wife.

Instead, there would be a long drawn out grilling that would extrude the truth from the quivering mass of man turned into jelly. My wife majored in truth, as did many others of her gender. My mother could smell a lie in a bouquet of flowery fancy talk. I think they all can. And they will not be denied. I have found myself confessing to things I never even dreamed of, until the inquisitors brought them to my demoralized attention.

So I began thinking of lines that won't work except in the movies (like the one above) and then PLOT lines that would also fail. Last night I was watching 3 Days of the Condor, a movie I've enjoyed in the past.

Unfortunately, the experience with the unrealistic line mentioned earlier had left little dregs of skepticism in my porous brain. I tried to fight down the rising tide of practicality that was threatening my enjoyment of the story, but to no avail.  I had to give it up. Exhausted by my struggles, I fell asleep in my recliner before the end of the movie. I don't even know how it ended and I don't care. Realism rules.

Here's what began to kill it for me; our hero returns from lunch to his CIA office job and finds all his coworkers slaughtered. So far, so good. I mean, it happens, right?

Naturally, he tries to find out (cautiously) what's going on. He makes contact with the big boys in Washington, and the next thing you know, there is an attempt on his life.

Of course, this make him skittish and there's nothing to do but carjack Faye Dunaway's car with her still in it. He has a gun (I don't know where he got it, and Faye Dunaway doesn't ask either) so he is able to persuade her to drive to her apartment. He just wants to hole up for a bit and try to make some sense out of things, like "where did this gun come from?"

Now, all of this is plausible so far, right? Faye Dunaway plays it straight for a while. She's scared, angry, and confused. Gradually however, she begins to notice that he is Robert Redford, after all, and she starts to give him the benefit of the doubt.

This growing confidence is helped by the fact that he is no longer brandishing the mysterious gun. Next thing you know, he goes to bed with her because he's exhausted. This is very chaste since they are both fully clad. He only sleeps with her because, that way, he can keep tabs on her while he sleeps. This is all quite understandable.

Next day, after breakfast, he has to go out and get on with the business of wha' happened? She seems to soften even more towards him. Apparently, in her mind, there are worse things than being carjacked by Robert Redford even when he's looking crazy and waving a mysterious gun. Only in the movies.

Besides, he was talking in his sleep and this will always arouse any woman's sympathy. Women often expresse their concern tenderly at such times in the hopes that they can learn more...like the real truth, for instance.

 It's a sad state of affairs when women will give more creditability to the mutterings of a semi-comatose man than they will to the things he is prepared to swear to under oath, while fully conscious.

Meanwhile, Robert, the idiot, is willing to scuttle her growing trust in a sea of personal insecurity. He wrestles her onto the john, fully clad, seat down (just like a guy) and ties her to the back of the toilet. Then he goes out for hours, it seems, has all kinds of adventures, comes back and unties her. She had fallen asleep on the john and looks VERY uncomfortable.

Here's where it got really crazy and my reality spoiler kicked in like Joe Biden's smile in the presence of a camera. Everything that happened so far had  increasingly stretched the boundaries of likelihood in my mind, but this one thing did it for me. 

After hours of being tied up, she never once asked to use the john in the normal way! You simply can't trust movies that will distort reality like that even in the name of entertainment.  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

 



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