| Satire Fiction posted August 8, 2013 |
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A blow is struck for dumb blondes everywhere
The Blonde and the Judge
by Deniz22
“All rise. The court is in session, Judge Hiram Johnston presiding.”
“You may be seated. Bailiff, bring the first case.”
“She’s here, your honor; Miss Cindy Bimba.”
“Bimbo?”
“Bimba, your honor, with an ‘a’.”
“Read the charges, please.”
“Breaking and entering---"
“I didn’t break nuthin’ in that shack!”
“The defendant will remain silent! Continue, please, bailiff.”
“Ahem, as I was saying; breaking and entering in the day time, destruction of private property, trespassing and harassment. There is an additional charge of threatening bodily harm to a person under the age of three.”
“That little brat! If I get my hands on…”
“Silence! Young lady, this is a court of law. You will respect it. One more outburst, and I will hold you in contempt of court. That charge carries a mandatory sentence of at least one month. Now, I suggest you be quiet. Do you understand me?”
“Yes sir.”
That’s more like it. Now, are the plaintiffs here?”
“Yes, your Honor.”
“Bring them to the witness box and lets hear their story. Your names?”
“I’m Papa Bear, this is my wife, Mama Bear and this is our son, Baby Bear.”
“In your own words, what happened?”
“Well, your Honor, my wife, Mama Bear here, cooked up a big pot of porridge for breakfast for the three of us.”
“Yes, go on.”
“It was so hot…”
“The weather? What’s that got to do with it?”
“No, your Honor. The porridge was so hot we went for a little walk while it cooled. When we came back, we found it all eaten, our baby’s bed broken and this Bimbo in my bed.”
“That’s Bimba, with an ‘a’. Sorry, your Honor, but I can’t bear it when people get my name wrong.”
“One more pun out of you, Miss Bimba, and there will be trouble. Now, Papa …er … Mr. Bear, what do you think your damages amount to in this incident?”
“Excuse me, your Honor, may I speak?”
“Why yes, Mrs. Bear. Go right ahead.”
“Thank you. The damages are truly insignificant. A little porridge gone, a few slats broken, and a few sheets to wash. No, it’s the emotional trauma we’ve suffered. How can we put a price tag on that? Our home has been violated, our son traumatized and my husband embarrassed.”
“I see. Miss Bimbo…Bimba…what do you have to say for yourself?”
“Thank youse, Yer Honorable. I ask youse to ignore my previous outbursts. I’m truly sorry and I meant no disrespect.”
“Apology accepted. Please proceed.”
“Yer Honor, I was lost in the woods, hungry, cold and tired. I saw a door open, went through, ate and laid down and fell asleep. I broke their brat’s…I mean, their baby’s bed by accident and yes, I did “threaten” him. He clawed me to wake me up.”
“I see. Anything else?”
“Well, yes there is, yer Honor.”
“And that is?”
“People call me “bimbo” and a “dumb blonde”. Maybe so, but am I the only one here who understands that these “plaintiffs” are BEARS?”
“You may be seated. Bailiff, bring the first case.”
“She’s here, your honor; Miss Cindy Bimba.”
“Bimbo?”
“Bimba, your honor, with an ‘a’.”
“Read the charges, please.”
“Breaking and entering---"
“I didn’t break nuthin’ in that shack!”
“The defendant will remain silent! Continue, please, bailiff.”
“Ahem, as I was saying; breaking and entering in the day time, destruction of private property, trespassing and harassment. There is an additional charge of threatening bodily harm to a person under the age of three.”
“That little brat! If I get my hands on…”
“Silence! Young lady, this is a court of law. You will respect it. One more outburst, and I will hold you in contempt of court. That charge carries a mandatory sentence of at least one month. Now, I suggest you be quiet. Do you understand me?”
“Yes sir.”
That’s more like it. Now, are the plaintiffs here?”
“Yes, your Honor.”
“Bring them to the witness box and lets hear their story. Your names?”
“I’m Papa Bear, this is my wife, Mama Bear and this is our son, Baby Bear.”
“In your own words, what happened?”
“Well, your Honor, my wife, Mama Bear here, cooked up a big pot of porridge for breakfast for the three of us.”
“Yes, go on.”
“It was so hot…”
“The weather? What’s that got to do with it?”
“No, your Honor. The porridge was so hot we went for a little walk while it cooled. When we came back, we found it all eaten, our baby’s bed broken and this Bimbo in my bed.”
“That’s Bimba, with an ‘a’. Sorry, your Honor, but I can’t bear it when people get my name wrong.”
“One more pun out of you, Miss Bimba, and there will be trouble. Now, Papa …er … Mr. Bear, what do you think your damages amount to in this incident?”
“Excuse me, your Honor, may I speak?”
“Why yes, Mrs. Bear. Go right ahead.”
“Thank you. The damages are truly insignificant. A little porridge gone, a few slats broken, and a few sheets to wash. No, it’s the emotional trauma we’ve suffered. How can we put a price tag on that? Our home has been violated, our son traumatized and my husband embarrassed.”
“I see. Miss Bimbo…Bimba…what do you have to say for yourself?”
“Thank youse, Yer Honorable. I ask youse to ignore my previous outbursts. I’m truly sorry and I meant no disrespect.”
“Apology accepted. Please proceed.”
“Yer Honor, I was lost in the woods, hungry, cold and tired. I saw a door open, went through, ate and laid down and fell asleep. I broke their brat’s…I mean, their baby’s bed by accident and yes, I did “threaten” him. He clawed me to wake me up.”
“I see. Anything else?”
“Well, yes there is, yer Honor.”
“And that is?”
“People call me “bimbo” and a “dumb blonde”. Maybe so, but am I the only one here who understands that these “plaintiffs” are BEARS?”
 Recognized |
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Goldilocks and the Three Bears is amazing. It's amazing (IMHO) because it's a nothing story. Paper thin "plot" with a very unsatisfactory conclusion. And yet it's been around forever, evolving and still enduring. Its been analzyed to death by scholars and critics who could have sought honest employment. I guess you could liken it to doo-doo that sticks to your shoe no matter how hard you scrape it. Perhaps my little parody here will begin its demise? I hope so.
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