I found it at the bottom of the junk drawer along with a few paper clips. Odd such a thing should reappear at this particular time in my life. Only the Good Lord knows how long it sat there buried under the dishwasher manual collecting dust. Strange how I never thought about the subject much lately, when in the past it was the only thing I fixated on for hours. Sadly I shook my head, valuable time wasted with nothing earned.

I went to the kitchen and held it under the sink. The water rinsed the grime off, and I held it up to the sunlight. Not a scratch on it. Turning it around, and around, I marveled at how something could look exactly as it did the day I bought it.

Unlike my physical self, it was intact and sharp. I ran my fingers over the groves. The excitement of touching it, flooded my heart, making me want to show it off like a homely girl would an engagement ring. I set it down and reflected on all the possibilities it gave me at a time when I needed peace in my life. But like haunting whispers, I remembered vividly the exact words I'd told myself long ago.

It's an illusion, a dream, a fantasy of the mind.

There is nothing real about this moment at all. Yet under the circumstances this moment seems to present itself as likely and reasonable. I paused and the sting of those words felt as fresh as the first time I'd said them, bringing clarity as blinding as a blue sky.

And like meeting an old lover, I was seduced by the promise of my secret desire, and could taste the power it had over me. A force lead me to the table. I sat in the chair and smiled, knowing it was the only way. Sweat formed on my brow, but my heart beat normally. This reckless sensation will finally set me free.

My thumb was positioned exactly where it should be. I hooked my hand around the Glock.

The rest was easy...