| General Non-Fiction posted January 7, 2025 |
Just a short story
Canoeing Crystal Lake
by victortouche
Me speaking-
"You know, we should use the lake more."
( This is interesting because, we also have a "Lakemoore" here.)
"I mean, it's here, available, beautiful.'
"The houses that surround it cost a fortune."
"And we never take the time to enjoy it."
Wife-"Yeah, you're right."
"But it's you, Victor, who never has the time."
Oooh, yeah...I simply stifle my response.
Sooo, I sign us up for a communal canoeing
trip around the lake.
"But, Victor, what do you know about canoeing"?
"Well, I can paddle, you can paddle".
"What's the problem"?
So, I convince her.
Come Friday night, I had to ignore two emergencies.
Terrible pain in their teeth,
but it was time to put my wife first.
Ok,ok, no.
I never, ever, left people in pain. Really.
But I thought you might need emphasis
on how important this was. Smile.
So, I drive down to the lake.
I'm ignoring all the-
"Turn here".
"No, the other way".
"VICTOR"!
"Yes, my love"?
"There is no parking".
"Where are you going"?
"Uh, right here, dear".
As I pull into the parking lot,
finding a recently vacated space,
quite near.
Get out of car,
walk across the street,
and meander down to the lake.
Wow!
About ten canoes lined up for our expedition.
Small crowd of people and...
our guide.
Guide?
You could walk around the lake in 15 minutes.
Ok, maybe 7. Geeze.
As we walk up,
guide/instructor says hello.
She now proceeds with intro
and instructions. She will be with
us for the entire tour.
My wife exclaims,
"Oh Victor, can you take my
purse back to the car"?
Ok, I'm back and now
it's time to get in the canoe.
We pick the last one,
as my wife asks-
"Which way should the canoe face"?
Chuckling to myself, I respond-
"Dear, the canoe is symmetrical".
"So it is irrelevant which way it faces".
"Oh, she says".
"But I thought..."
"Time to get in, dear".
All the canoes are already in the water,
including the guide's.
As I'm pushing the canoe into the lake,
my wife yells-
'Wait, let me get in".
"Did you want me to get soaked"?
"Sorry, dear".
Fortunately the first half of the canoe was already
in the water. Now, as she walks into the half
left on the beach, she sits down. Which means...uh huh,
"Honey, could you move up into the canoe"?
"You know, the part in the water, so I can push the
rest of the canoe in"?
As she stares at me with anything but acceptance,
I get the rest of the canoe in the water, and climb in.
"Honey, pick up your paddle, please".
"I don't paddle, you do", she replies.
"Darling, look at the other boats, see"?
"Both are paddling".
"Ok, but I am supposed to just steer."
"You do the paddle/push".
Ok, our scenic, bonding tour has started.
"Victor, would stop paddling water into the boat"?
"Jesus H. ... I'm not paddling water into the boat".
"You are".
I notice we are starting to fall behind the rest of the group.
And the floor of the boat actually has been covered with water.
"Ok dear, stop paddling and filling the boat with water".
"Use the paddle to flip out some of the water".
"I'll paddle and catch us up".
As defiantly as you can imagine, she complies.
"Victor"!
"Yes, I can see the boat seems to be getting more water inside".
"Maybe we actually have a leak"!
As I try paddling to catch up, it does seem like our canoe is filling more,
and sitting deeper in the lake than the others. Our guide turns her boat
around, and comes back to see what's the matter.
"Is there a problem"?
"Can I help you"?
"No, no, we're just trying to catch up".
"Well, first you need to turn your boat around".
"Huh"?
"You're trying to row it backwards".
My wife stares at me. What? No way.
These canoes are symmetrical. As I try to control
my rising aggravation, I notice our canoe is about
3/4 full of water. Our guide is now close enough
to notice this.
"Oh my God, you're sinking"!
I am forced to concede this assessment.
I say, "It's ok, the lake is only about 4 foot deep".
She replies, "No, it's over ten feet here".
"Uh, well, uh..."
"Can you both swim"?
"Yes, yes".
"Ok, get into the water and swim to my canoe".
My wife glares at me again, like we were stranded
in the middle of the Atlantic ocean without a paddle.
We swim over to the canoe, which she somehow
holds stable, as we climb aboard.
"Stay with the group, I'll be right back".
As she tumbles over the side, and swims over to our
sinking canoe...she decides not to try to climb in.
But rather swims/pushes our canoe back towards the shore.
She must have alerted someone on shore as,
another canoe was now paddling out.
I glance over at the other canoes filled with people
guffawing and laughing with uncontrolled intensity
at our predicament.
What?
No concern for our safety?
I turn around to check on the progress of our guide.
The canoe has completely sunk, though still visible.
I glance back at the other people.
They are beside themselves with laughter.
Our guide leaves the sunken canoe with
the two males in the newly arrived canoe,
and swims back to our boat.
She climbs aboard, and assumes command of
our vessel. We continue the tour of the lake
amid profound disrespect for my capacity.
Smiles,
Victor
This is a true and humbling account of what happened.
I still smile at my profound assumptions and how foolish they were.
Nevertheless, I do believe we provided some unexpected and hilarious
entertainment for the group.
Pays
10 points
and 1.08 member dollars. I still smile at my profound assumptions and how foolish they were.
Nevertheless, I do believe we provided some unexpected and hilarious
entertainment for the group.
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