I am tired of lying in bed,
Wondering why I am-
Anything at all,
These depths don’t seem to end.
I want control of this soul,
Of this body, of these hands-
How they shake, and they tremble at the slightest change of plans-
And I hate these cheeks,
The way they glow-
Turn bright red when im told no,
Or hear words that punch me in the gut-
Turns to a void,
A dark black rut,
I’m stuck I’m stuck I’m stuck.
I long for a mother,
Hands to hold-
But the mirror says I’m growing old,
laugh lines living beside my eyes,
And so much fear all trapped behind.
I’m tired of wishing for love I didn’t get,
Tired of trauma I didn’t ask,
To be this sad,
To be this loud,
To be this weird
This girl I am-
I didn’t ask to be her,
and I don’t know how to change,
Besides a little white pill that numbs all the pain-
But I’m changed.
I’m changed, I’m changed-
For everyone but me,
I’m living out their destiny,
But not my own-
I’m all alone,
Inside this head-
This flesh, these bones.
I feel it all,
Cant make it stop-
Even in my dreams,
I rot and rot.
I paint my face with a
Toothy grin,
A self destructive joke-
I beat them to the punchline to protect the lumps inside my throat,
I don’t know how to love myself,
I don’t know how to love.
I don’t know where to set this down,
To take this body off-
Rest my bones, my eyes, my soul,
My ever lasting thoughts.
I wish I had a switch to just turn the fuckers off-
But I don’t, so I’m here
I spin, & float & fall,
Till I guess the day comes round,
Where I return
to nothing,
At all.
