The Ballad of Mighty Melvin

There was once a famous actor, Mighty Melvin was his name;
From Gibraltar to Samoa every tongue rang his acclaim.
He could wow them on a yacht and he could wow them on a raft,
But the night they all remembered was the Night That One Man Laughed.
'Twas a Xmas night performance, very gala, oh so posh;
There was caviar in the boxes, Quiche Lorraine and succotosh;
They'd been standing since eleven and they would have called you daft
If you told them then they'd soon behold the Night That One Man Laughed.

As the evil Baron Malo Mighty Melvin swirled with prideâ€"
'Twas the role that Barrymore bequeathed him (just before he died).
When he scowled, it was a laser; when he raged, it holographedâ€"
Even so it was remembered as the Night That One Man Laughed.
In a voice of pallid pleasure, and a robe of jet brocade
Malo told the fair Florinda that her lover had been spayed.
As he proffered her the poison, plus a stinging epitaph,
The satanic spell was broken by the sound of One Man's Laugh.

It was not a scornful snigger nor an extrovert guffaw
Nor a chortle nor a giggle but a gentle, mild, Haw, Haw.
"Who's that man?" the boxes bellowed, "Who's the disrespectful twerp
Who in Culture's very temple has the insolence to burp?"
As the curtain hurtled downward (for the drama was undone),
Mighty Melvin stepped before it and announced to everyone,
"Lovely ladies, worthy gentlemen, pray do not be distressed:
I know how to handle hecklers (bear in mind, I am the best).

"As our drama's brilliant climax has been utterly destroyed,
Let the culprit recompense us, let his penance fill the void.
Claim your punishment, offender, step before us like a man!"
And a voice from highest balcony said, "Catch me if you can."
In a flash, the tiny figure bolted up the neighboring aisle,
Then he shouted from the darkness in a voice that held a smile,
"You all take yourselves so serious, too serious by half,
So I thought I'd right the balance with the sound of One Man's Laugh."

"Seize that man," the standees shouted, while the boxes cried, "Gendarme,
Apprehend the boorish rascal, for we mean to do him harm."
Then from orchestra to rafters the whole audience, fore and aft,
Rose up, wrathful and indignant, to pursue the Man Who Laughed.
Down the polished marble stairways, over rugs of crimson plush
Swarmed a zealous, vengeful audience in a zealous, vengeful rush.
Knocking over crystal vases, spilling buckets of champagne,
Trampling antique Flemish tapestries, they scoured the place, in vain.

Mighty Melvin in his frenzy hurled his props to kingdom come
Then he tore his beard in tatters (heedless of the spirit gum).
He extinguished every footlight with a deadly train of kicks,
But what happened next convinced him that his ears were playing tricks:
From the fly-loft high above him, up where all the gaffers gaffed,
Came the sound that tore the house down on the Night That One Man Laughed.
"Haw Haw! Melvin you old hambone, don't you still remember me?
We wuz partners once in vaudeville," and the speaker shook with glee.

Holding fast then to a fly rope, jumping sixty feet or more,
Counterweighted by a sandbag he descended to the floor.
"Well now, Mel, I guess your memory is only good for lines,
Though it's true that since we parted it's been thirty Auld Lang Synes."
Mighty Melvin with amazement scanned the little fellow's frame
Till the shock of recognition made him suddenly exclaim,
"Spelvin! Spelvin the Incredible! The Conjurer Supreme!
Is this one of your great magic feats, a riddle, or a dream?"

"It's all o' those," said Spelvin, slyly fondling his moustache,
"And it's also a reminder that you're full of balderdash.
Oh, I know you're rich and famous, but you used to be riffraff.
Do you think that I've forgotten how I once sawed you in half?
"Mighty Melvin, Mighty Melvin," (and he half choked back a sob)
"Though you've gone from stooge to riches, do you have to be a snob?
Though you play in fancy fol-de-rols for High Societee,
Do you think that makes you better than a theater rat like me?"

Mighty Melvin's streak of sentiment quadrupled now in size.
"Oh, Spelvin, you're so right!" said he, and wiped his misty eyes.
"The glamour that surrounds me has quite banished from my mind
My long-forgotten origins, the humble, creepy kind.
"My dear friend, let me embrace you, yes, and clutch you to my heart,
And let me thank you, publicly, for giving me my start."
At Melvin's word the curtain rose; the audience grew dumb
To behold their Mighty Melvin being buddies with a bum.

"Lovely ladies, worthy gentlemen," the words from Melvin rolled,
"Tonight I've learned that friendship is more precious fa-a-a-r than gold.
In younger, less imposing days, I worked in vaudeville;
'Twas a grimy, tacky theatre, but it still gave me a thrill.
"A magician there befriended me and urged me on my way,
Encouragement that made of me the man I am today.
I'd like to introduce the man who once sawed me in half:
Perhaps you'll recognize him by the sound of One Man's Laugh."

Right on cue, obliging Spelvin let a laugh burst from his throat;
In an instant Melvin joined him (on a somewhat deeper note).
The reason for their merriment was rather hard to tell,
But all at once the balcony began to laugh as well.
The contagious sound descended to the boxes and the pit,
Till in universal laughter all the audience was knit.
And to climax the ovation (everyone was cheering now),
Mighty Melvin and old Spelvin took their greatest, deepest bow.

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