All my life, people told me I'm different.

As if it wasn't obvious.

Harambe, go here.
Harambe, go there.
No wait, stop! Back up!
Harambe don't use that bathroom!

Harambe, don't touch that little boy!

Seriously? You let a kid into a gorilla exhibit, and I'm the one who can't be trusted with him? Kids these days. They need discipline.

Life as a gorilla can be rough. And if you think it's bad for male gorillas, just imagine being one of my exes. Taylor Swift still hasn't recovered. Now you know why her songs suck and she's downgraded boyfriends.

But let's stay on topic. Harambe has a serious condition where HE has to have bananas. Like, constantly. Harambe could wax poetic about bananas all day and all night. You are what you eat, and bananas are the food of heaven.

When Harambe does not get bananas, watch out. HE will pound on the glass. You and your boss will hear about it.

And let's talk about green plantains. Totally indigestible. Have you ever tried eating one? Green plantains don't make the planet greener. Just more stoopid.

One time, some lady tried to tell Harambe that plantains and bananas were the same, later citing her college degree as evidence. Well Harambe graduated from the school of hard pecs. (Knocks is sexist, and having hard knockers increases risk of breast cancer FYI). To further assist with her education, Harambe wrote a whole series explaining how plantains and bananas are different. Check it out. Each of those links is a unique post.



Harambe has a problem with one other thing: gatekeepers. It's a lesson he learned from his grandfather, who ran a pen factory in a country where the tax rate was 97%, and retired with nothing. Everyone in a corrupt country wants a piece of your pie. If you can't beat them, break their kneecaps. Make them remember you, and think twice before picking on the next little guy. Little guys should be kicked, of course, because it's fun. There's nothing funnier than seeing a midget flailing through the air after sustaining a gorilla kick. Just let them know that you secretly like them, ply them with alcohol, and hire them as mercenaries in combat. Fighting against midgets is a terrible idea and you'll likely lose.

The last and most fun one is censors. There's no such thing as good taste without bad taste, and gorillas are all about tasting new things, and sometimes just breaking them for fun. Once there was this other lady who used to host the most restrictive contests ever, and tried unsuccessfully to keep Harambe out of them. This was a great challenge, and gave rise to a Star Wars series and a Kamala Harris series. Every time, the contest rules were changed to stop Harambe. Every time, Harambe evolved. Hey, maybe someday apes will be the dominant species of writers on Fanstory.

Life in the afterlife isn't so bad, and Harambe will soon be returning to this world as the newly elected President of America. Trump and Harris will have no idea what hit them. America will really be great again once a gorilla is in charge.