| Western Script posted September 6, 2024 |
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A John & Shorty script, western humor
The Snake Oil Salesman
by CrystieCookie999
Characters
John Shane: The Hero, 25-35. A John Wayne sound-alike, never goes anywhere without his faithful horse, Sterling. Shorty: John's witty, faithful sidekick, 25-35. Rides a horse named Jumper. Willy Charchmoore: A snake oil salesman who changes the title and benefits of his so-called medicine, depending on the situation. Setting: Border of Utah territory and Wyoming, 1895 Scene 1 (Near border of Wyoming and Utah territory, within a day or two's ride of Fort Bridger. WILLY CHARCHMOORE is center stage, dressed in long-fringed leather jacket and fancy, beaded cowboy boots, sitting on a small stool or log stump, while putting stoppers into a wooden tray holding small, brown glass bottles of water that look like medicine. He sits in front of a small, wooden trailer-wagon with a horse cutout. A sign on the trailer-wagon says: QUALITY MEDICINE. A few artificial trees are behind him upstage. Sound of horse's hoofbeats and a neigh or whinny offstage.) JOHN (Enters Stage Left, over his shoulder to SHORTY, who is still offstage.) Just ground tie your horse, Shorty, while we check to make sure this man over here is all right out here in the middle of the forest. SHORTY (Just entering from Stage Left at end of JOHN's last words.) Yep, I did that, John. JOHN Jumper is doin' so well stayin' put now. He only wandered five or six feet away the last time we had to ground tie our horses. SHORTY Yeah, John, I know. He's even keepin' your horse, Sterling, on his best behavior. JOHN We sure do have the best horses in the world. (Sees horse cutout by WILLY's trailer-wagon.) Say, there's a nice-lookin' horse, too. (To WILLY.) What's your horse's name, mister? WILLY (Stands up after carefully laying the tray of bottles down.) My mare's name is Arletta. And I am Willy Charchmoore, the number one patent medicine dealer in the west side of this county. (JOHN and SHORTY both approach WILLY.) JOHN Well, Mr. Charchmoore, my name is John, and this is Shorty. SHORTY (In a friendly way.) Say, Mr. Charchmoore, what does your medicine do? WILLY (Holds up a bottle in front of SHORTY and still in the clear view of the AUDIENCE.) Glad you asked, Shorty! This is my own unique formula: Charchmoore's Potent Potion, good as a topical salve on bad burns or open cuts, scratches, sores, or other wounds. It will take the itch out of poison ivy, relieve mosquito and horsefly bites and bee stings, plus reduce the pain of severe sunburn. And if you take a large spoonful every morning, it will aid in warding off bilious dyspepsia! SHORTY Billy-huh dis-pep-see-what? JOHN Uh, I think that refers to indigestion. WILLY Right you are, John! But that's not all! This little potion will also clear up a sore throat, sore back, sore ankles, sore feet, and the common cold. JOHN (Takes the bottle from WILLY and peers at the label.) So, Mr. Charchmoore, what are the ingredients in this? WILLY Mighty fine question, John, mighty fine! Of course the amounts are a trade secret, but I can tell you the ingredients. They include sage, spearmint, aloe vera, oatmeal, green tea, and just a touch of silver nitrate. And of course, the most powerful ingredient is Dakota rattlesnake oil! JOHN (Hands bottle back to WILLY.) Hmm. I dunno about that. Doesn't that make you a snake oil salesman? (To SHORTY.) Shorty, I think we oughta move on. SHORTY (Not persuaded.) Say, Mr. Charchmoore, what's the chance of it takin' a wart off that's been growin' on my finger? (Holds up pinky finger.) WILLY (Puts down the first bottle on the tray and picks up another bottle from the tray). Ah ha, you need Charchmoore's Wart Wranglin' Salve! Made from the finest ripened May apples, otherwise known as wild mandrake. But don't drink this one, less'n you want to be in the bathroom for a while. Exclusive for today only, the price is just two bits. JOHN It might not help you much, Shorty. The last time I bought some medicine from a travelin' salesman like you, Mr. Charchmoore, I ended up feelin' like I had a hangover the size of Montana the next day. SHORTY But John, I've had this wart such a long time, and two bits ain't so much to take a risk. WILLY (Continues to grin confidently at SHORTY.) I would like to add that if the medicine doesn't work to your satisfaction, you have a money-back guarantee with a refund from me the next time I travel through this part of the country, which is going to be about three months from now. JOHN Well, if you wanna go ahead and try it, then it's your money. SHORTY I'm a little short...of cash, I mean, John. Can I borrow a quarter? I'll pay you back next Friday, and I'll even water your horse, Sterling, when we get back home. JOHN (Sighs.) All right, Pilgrim. (Fishes quarter out of pocket.) Here you are. (Hands quarter to delighted SHORTY, who passes quarter to WILLY.) WILLY (Gives bottle of Charchmoore's Wart Wranglin' Salve to SHORTY.) That should do the trick. You are definitely gettin' a great bargain! 'Course, six months from now, the price might go up to four bits. JOHN (To WILLY.) Your name sure fits the bill then. WILLY (Ignores JOHN's comment. To SHORTY.) A thousand thanks for doin' business today! (Puts tray of corked bottles in or behind wagon-trailer. Keeps back toward AUDIENCE.) JOHN (To SHORTY.) Come on, Shorty. My horse, Sterling, is gonna be hungry and thirsty by the time we get back home to our cabin. Your horse, too. SHORTY Sure, John. Say, if this wart medicine doesn't get rid of my wart, I have an even better idea. JOHN Really? What is that? SHORTY I'm gonna try a famous Russian author's method. You take some fresh green peas out of the garden, mince them, and spread them on your warts. JOHN Huh. I don't think I've ever heard of that remedy. What is it called? SHORTY Gee, whiz, John, and I thought you were well-read. It's Tolstoy's Warts and Peas, of course! (Lights down.)
Original title: John & Shorty Meet A Snake Oil Salesman
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. This is the 19th short script featuring characters John Shane and Shorty. The long melodrama with music featuring the characters is called: The Legend of John Shane: Tale of the Rustlers' Trace and is set in Logan, Utah (a city near the north area of the state of Utah in the United States of America.) Thanks to Lilibug6 for a great photo of two horses in a pasture close to a period style piece. Definitions and sources: Ground tying is a method that teaches a horse to stay in one place without being tied by its reins or a rope to a hitching post, fence, or other object. It helps develop a horse's obedience and trust in its owner/handler. Ground tying can be used in grooming, saddling, and medical procedures. It is a sign of a well-trained horse. The origins of snake oil salesmen start around the middle of the 19th Century, when oil from Chinese water snakes was used to help alleviate arthritis and bursitis. But Americans didn't have Chinese water snakes, so they tried using rattlesnake oil, which was only about a third as effective. Sometimes patent medicines claiming to have snake oil didn't have any at all; for example the case of Clark Stanley, who used mineral oil, beef fat, and red pepper, combined with turpentine. A combination like that would have made John feel sick, as mentioned above. Many other patent medicine 'cure-alls' were more than half alcohol, often laced with opium or cocaine. The Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906 was aimed to regulate and eliminate such concoctions and outlandish healing claims. Congress does something right once in a while! May apples really were used to remove warts, so Willy as a character would be sort of in the middle of the pack of hucksters. Research sources include: https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/08/26/215761377/a-history-of-snake-oil-salesmen Tolstoy's masterpiece "War and Peace" was published in 1865, but then it was edited and republished in 1869. Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_and_Peace Artwork by Lilibug6 at FanArtReview.com 
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