Unworthy

That seems like a shallow definition, at best only a brief moment of knowing we were top dog. It is transitory, and judged by others based on our performance. What we do, not who we are. Brief moments of glory. Not to be confused with being loved or loveable. 

I am a being of little or no worth. That is a humbling thing to admit. It makes others want to reassure me, force the words unsaid, tell me to find my mask or send me to a psychiatrist. Unworthiness lurks in the shadows, and is not supposed to be seen.

Logically it makes no sense. I have always operated on the principle if I do my best, make others happy and meet their needs, that will make me feel WORTHY. Instead, I feel worse. I can’t fix their problems, nor can I make them happy. They have to want to be fixed, and happiness is a choice. 

This last Christmas I learned no matter how much money I spend giving a gift, if the receiver doesn’t feel loved, the gift is meaningless.

This spring I gave up trying to negotiate the sale of the house with our dear friend the hoarder because it was making me crazy.  Then it sold. A talented dear friend stepped up and offered to help and has taken on the challenge.

This summer I learned I have to let go of responsibility for my adult schizophrenic son. I cannot be an effective guardian from a different part of the state because I don’t know when he stops his meds. His doctor has found a new “wrap around” program that will support his needs. 

September first I am "retiring" again. Losing my value as a medical provider and letting go of the safety net of the income. 

My personal value bottomed out. So now how do I establish my worthiness? 

I read something yesterday that resonated with me, can’t even remember the author or book, but it hit hard.

She said, speaking of her own struggles;  “Maybe God is trying to get my attention. I have been so busy concerning myself with others I considered myself unworthy of His interest. It is an insult to my Creator.”

I am insulting God. He created me worthy because He doesn’t create junk. He loves me so much He made a way for me be adopted into the family. It is all about HIM, not what I do or how I feel about myself.