I bought a new car about six weeks ago. New to me, that is - not many kilometres, just a few years old.

I told the car salesman that I did not want too much new-fangled technology, just a few safety features. I didn’t want one that unlocked itself as I approached or stopped altogether at an intersection to save fuel, or whose boot (which many call a trunk) opened if I stood near it.

I was pleased to note that the new vehicle had a reversing camera, which I thought would be helpful. It would be – if “she” guided us correctly. I always seem to be at an unanticipated angle to the parallel lines, then have to straighten up the old-fashioned way.

The car obviously has some intelligence. She beeps if my husband wanders over the lines into the next lane, or if he fails to indicate he is changing lanes. That’s good. He needs that at times.

She also speaks up if we are speeding. “Please obey all traffic regulations!” she exclaims. That sounds like a good idea. However, apparently, when the needle points exactly to 70 when we are in a 70 km/hour zone, we are half a kilometre per hour OVER the limit. The needle must be very slightly under the mark to satisfy her. She is precise in her requests.

However, she doesn’t always notice when the speed limit has changed. We see the sign for 110 km/hour, but she has not detected it. So, she is constantly harassing us, “Please obey all traffic regulations! Please obey all traffic regulations!” she demands, urgently – and then she finally realises she’s wrong and switches her marker to 110km/hour. No apology.

And then there are the school zones. She is quick to warn us a couple of hundred metres ahead, “Caution! You are entering a school zone!” At first, I thought that would be a good reminder. But she follows that up with, “You are now entering a school zone!” and then finally, “You have left a school zone!” We live around the corner from a school. There is another school a couple of kilometres away. I hear her all the time. “Caution …! Caution …!” She doesn’t listen to me when I try to explain that I understand.

However, when I pick up the girls from their school twenty-five minutes away, something strange happens. I get the first two usual messages. I park, pick up the girls, and as I drive out towards their home, I hear her message loud and clear, “Caution, you are entering a school zone!!” No, I am not. I have left the school zone. The girls, aged eight and six, are scornful about the intellect of my new car. Each week they announce, “NO, we’re NOT! We have LEFT the school zone!” My car takes no notice of them either.

Apart from that, it’s annoying that she does not know that the lower speed limit of 40 km/hour only applies between eight and nine-thirty in the morning, and between two-thirty and four in the afternoon – on school days only.

She reminds me at all times of the day or night, on weekends, and during school holidays. Apparently, she can’t be programmed with more explicit times. Some country schools have different hours for school zones. So, therefore, I not only hear the school zone announcements, but “Please obey all traffic regulations!” ringing in my ears because I am obeying the normal speed limit of 50 km/hour at other times. She won’t listen to me at all.

And one nearby school also has a speed camera within the school zone, so I have an extra announcement. “Caution! Speed camera ahead!” Thank you. That is helpful. Next minute, “Caution! You have entered a high accident zone!” I am constantly on edge about the possibilities. If I get too tense, I am sure there’ll be another accident for her to remind me about.

And then there is the navigation system. The previous owners had programmed their home address as “Home!” Of course. But I am still trying to figure out how to delete that and change it to my own home address. I don’t want to be directed to their place fifty kilometres on the opposite side of the city. She is not very intuitive, this new car of mine. She never initiates any helpful suggestions.

I am also still trying to work out how to get my car to accept other destinations and offer directions to them. She is strangely silent about that. She will show us where we are (a blue dot) on the motorway, but that’s about it. Not what’s ahead, no destination maps, no directions. No announcements. And no help.

We recently went away for a few days.

My husband drove. I recorded the number of traffic violations my car announced. For a five-hundred-kilometre trip, there were approximately a hundred objections to his driving. Each way. He is prone to speeding. He wouldn’t listen to her because once she didn’t accept the changed speed limit, so he said she was unreliable.

The journey home was therefore terrible. Beep, beep! (swerving). School zones announcements (on a Saturday), and then extremely frequent “Please obey all traffic regulations!” interspersed with more "Beep Beep!" warnings. Over and over!

Yes, apparently, she can be silenced. But then everything is silenced. I don’t mind a reminder if I creep up over the speed limit, or even if I enter a school zone on school days. But the rest? It’s doing my head in.

Now, should I trade her in and get a new car which is more intelligent and has the latest technological features? Hopefully a little more sensible and (dare I ask for this?) user-friendly. Or should I just tell her to get out of my life  - she's just a third (or fifth) wheel in our relationship? Or should I trade my husband in for a younger model and get one who drives better – or at least will listen to the voice of a (nagging) woman who is trying to help him (my car)? 

Well, I’ve had my little rant. I feel better now.