“Oh, Daddy!” said the beautiful Rachel on her wedding day. “Thank you for going against tradition and allowing me to get married before my older sister, Leah. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you to negotiate that with the elders.”

        “No problem,” cooed Laban. “Anything for my beautiful baby girl.”

        “Jacob told me he was in love with me from the moment he laid eyes on me, and he didn’t care that he had to agree to work for you for seven years in order to have me as his wife.”

        “Oh, yes, my darling,” said Laban. “I knew you were more than worth it to him. He was willing to do anything to call you his own.”

        “Isn’t that soooo romantic?” said Rachel, her voice full of lovesong, eyes full of stars.

        “Sooo romantic,” echoed Laban. “Look, Dearest, you’re seeming a tad nervous. I know you’re excited, but let me give you a little something to take the edge off, okay?”

        “Sure, Daddy. You always know what’s best for me.”

        He handed her two oblong, red tablets and watched as she popped them into her mouth.

        “I’ll be back soon to walk you down the aisle.”

        “Can’t wait!” said Rachel.

        “I need to go appease your sister now. She’s been in her room howling like a wounded wolf cub. I’ll be back, though. I promise.”

        “Okay, Daddy. I love you!”

        Laban knocked on Leah’s bedroom door and entered after hearing her cheery, “Come innnnn-nnn!”

        She stood there in her beautiful wedding gown, beaming.

        “Oh, Daddy!” she exclaimed. “This is the happiest day of my life. Just a few minutes from now, I’ll be Jacob’s lawfully wedded wife. I can’t believe someone like me – with crossed eyes – gets to have a handsome, perfect man like Jacob. You know I’ve heard the rumors that he’s always loved Rachel.”

        “Oh, nonsense! He couldn’t possibly want anyone but you. Your crossed eyes aren’t a drawback; they make you UNIQUE!” Laban patted her head. “Here, Dearest. Put this beautiful wedding veil on. I had it made especially for you.”

        Leah did as instructed, then said, “But Daddy! This is opaque! I cannot see anything now.”

        “Yes, yes,” said Laban. “But that’s so Jacob can’t see YOU, either, until you have retired to your wedding bed together. That is Hebrew Law.”

        “It IS?” asked Leah. “I never knew that.”

        “Yes, yes,” Laban assured her. “The groom cannot fully see the bride until after all the contracts have been signed and all the guests have left, and the couple is alone in the dark and ready to consecrate their vows.”

        “Okay, Daddy,” said Leah. “I know you know best!”

        The next morning, Leben went to Rachel’s room to break the news to her of his treachery: her older sister was the one who had to be married to Jacob first. Rachel could marry Jacob, too - just later. For now, though, trickery was Laban’s only chance of marrying off his aging, cross-eyed daughter. He knew Rachel – and Jacob, too, eventually – would come around to the idea.

        When he entered Rachel’s room, though, he was accosted by the sight of her and Jacob en flagrante, with Leah’s wedding gown – and opaque veil – littering the floor and strewn haphazardly between Jacob’s shirt, shoes, cummerbund and inside-out underpants.

        “What’s going on here?” roared Laban.

        “Oh, Daddy, we’re making grandchildren for you,” said Rachel.

        “WHAT?!” screamed Laban.

        “Well, now, you know how people gossip here in Canaan,” said Rachel. “Everyone knew you were going to do a bait-and-switch on poor Jacob at the altar. So, after you left Leah’s room yesterday, she rushed over here, and we traded dresses. And, of course, she gave me that special opaque veil you had made just for her, too.”

        “But – but – but…the tranquilizers!” sputtered Laban. “I saw you take them!”

        “Yeah, I didn’t swallow,” said Rachel. Then she gave Jacob a flirtatious smile and added,”Not THOSE anyway!” He nibbled her neck.

        As her father stood there, pale and weak-kneed, Rachel said, “But, Daddy, I think you should go check on Leah because she DID swallow the pills so that, for a few hours anyway, she could try to block out what an atrocious, unconscionable father you are.”