For a summary of what's happened in previous posts, please see author notes.

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24th August 2023

‘I’m going to arrange to see Joshua, well, I want to,’ I say, after swallowing a lump of mashed potato. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since it was first suggested to me earlier today. The thought of telling Rachel about my plans has been buzzing around inside my head; I know what she’s going to say to me, it’s pretty obvious. Of course, I want to see him, but I thought it would’ve taken me a bit more time to pluck up the courage. I didn’t think I would be seeing him so soon after the trial.

Rachel stares at me. She puts down her fork. ‘D’you think that’s a good idea?’ she asks, frowning at me.

We’re sitting in the kitchen. It’s six pm. I got home after seeing Lucie and Ruth at three this afternoon; I’d decided to stay out a little bit longer, knowing I’d have to convince Rachel I’d been out actively searching for some work. At least she didn’t question me too much about what I’d been up to; she’d just asked how my day had been.

‘I just want to see him to . . . look you don’t have to come with me, but I’d just like to talk to him, I want to try and keep some sort of relationship going with my son, even if he is in prison.’ I shift in my seat.

Rachel seems to take forever to reply. If she seriously thinks Joshua did murder Susannah, part of her must hate him. I would hate him if I thought the same. I shift in my seat. ‘OK, when were you thinking?’ she asks.

‘I . . . I’m not sure, I’ve no idea how to even go about arranging a visit, I know there are certain days when family members and friends can visit inmates, but, perhaps next week if it can be arranged, I’m not sure if there’s a set day for visitors, it’s something I’ve never had to think about before.’ I glance towards the kitchen door. I can imagine what must be going through Rachel’s mind now, she’ll be thinking it’s a bad idea, she’s already warned me off trying to investigate the case further, even though my son’s innocent.

‘OK, you don’t need to worry about doing all the arranging; I’ll do all of that for you. But are you sure this is a good idea, it might be too upsetting for you?’ she asks.

‘I need to face it at some point, Rachel, if anything it might help me to come to terms with what’s happened,’ I say. I place my knife and fork on the plate, perhaps the last part of my sentence will help make Rachel agree to it. ‘Sorry, I’m not really hungry.’

Rachel dabs her mouth with her napkin. ‘Don’t worry; I think I overdid the sausages a bit anyway. Well, I can try and get all of this organised for tomorrow, if this is what you really want to do, or like you say, if there’s a certain day for visitors, then it might have to be next week sometimes.’

‘Yes, please,’ I say, getting down from my seat. ‘Thank you, Rachel.’

I take my plate to the sink. The prospect of seeing my son in prison for the first time fills me with dread. He shouldn’t be there. He should be out, living his life.

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Characters:

Stacey (mother of Joshua) 

Lucie (foreman of the jury)

Joshua (Stacey's son)

Susannah (murder victim) 

Rachel (Stacey's daughter)

Daniel (Stacey's ex-husband) 

Ruth (journalist)