With a loaded shopping cart, I walked to the front of the store to check out. 

I stood looking at the throngs of people in line and decided to try the self checkout register. Can’t be that difficult. 

Approaching the self check out register I was welcomed by a voice…

Welcome shopper. My name is Shitaki, as in mushroom. I’ll be your attendant today. Let’s make this a wonderful experience.

I stood there in silence, eyes darting to and fro. 

“That was Shitaki, sir,” said Jeremy, the teenage self check out attendant. “He’s your register chum.”

“Oh-kay?” I responded. “I’ll give it a whirl.”

"I’m ready when you are shopper. Let’s start scanning... Oh boy. Filet mignon, Brussels sprouts and Brie. I see a romantic evening in your future. What's this? Extra small condoms. It won’t be too romantic for her. Hehehe.”

I looked around with embarrassment. “Uh, excuse me. I cook a lot. Condoms are in case I slice my finger…”

"Uh-huh. The Imodium AD, for your cooking as well? And the Gas-X, to relieve gas pains ... which reminds me …

Beans beans good for your heart

The more you eat the more you fart,

The more you fart the better you feel

So eat your beans at every meal!

“Ahh Jeremy, a little help?"

“Tampax? Oy vey! Definitely no romance for you tonight… yyyuck!”

“What’s going …”

“A hickey stick for men? Hmm…  maybe she’s got a little somethin somethin planned for you, that you don’t know about… hubba-hubba come to papa…"

“Jeremy. Make him stop!”

"Oh no. What’s this? Summer’s Eve? What’re you gonna do with that?

“Wait, that’s not mine,” I said turning red as a radish skin. “Who put that in my cart?”

"Reminds me of a song…

Summer’s Eve makes me feel fine

Blowin’ like…

“Stop. The song is Summer Breeze, not Summer’s Eve. Sheesh.”

"Does my humor offend you, Mr. Itty-Bitty Pocket Rocket?  Your total is $118.94. Cash or credit?"