I never expected a self-checkout machine to have opinions, but this was no ordinary trip to Walmart. After a grueling week, I just needed to grab a few essentials: a box of cereal, cat food, a frozen pizza, and some toilet paper. As I approached the self-checkout kiosk, I sighed in relief, eager to avoid human interaction.

"Good evening!" chirped the self-checkout machine as I scanned my first item, a box of Post Fruity Pebbles. "Are you still 6 years old? You might want to consider Quaker Simply Granola with some fresh fruit for balance."

I blinked, unsure if I had heard correctly. "Um, thanks," I mumbled, scanning the cat food next.

"Aww, someone has a kitty! Did you know your cat hates the food you feed her? You’ll need to buy Fresh Pet."No more dried meat by-products or else!"

I chuckled nervously, looking around to see if anyone else was noticing. "Yeah, she’s been refusing to eat her food lately," I said, scanning the frozen pizza.

"Comfort food, huh? You can do better. Try making a homemade feel-good vegan meal instead. Maybe consider a salad to go with that." Just saying."

I felt my cheeks warm. "Just a quick dinner," I muttered, moving on to the toilet paper.

"Ah, the necessities. Do you need a Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper 32 Mega Roll? Buying in bulk is smart, but don't let it clutter your space."

"Thanks for shopping at Walmart! Remember next time to make healthier choices. Take care!"

Glancing around, hoping no one was eavesdropping, I felt a mix of embarrassment and irritation as I quickly swiped my card, grabbed my bags, and left. Walking to my car, I laughed at the absurdity and decided next time I’d stick to the regular checkout lines, no matter how long.