Regrets

Regrets have been weighhing heavly on my mind of late.,I have carried a broken heart my entire life. Cercumstances, luck of the draw, whatever was the cause, there I am.  I do know the begnning cause. A mother who didn't want me and never liked me. OK, if that was all I could live with it. But it seemed to set a pattern.

Thinking back on a life mostly wasted, I'm reevaluating my word choice. I now believe it is grieving, not regrete I suffer with. There is an ache in my heart that is always there.  Pain is a resident, accompanied with shame

Pain from the many losses. My lack of oppertunity to bond properly with my babies. Too many to close together and no help/ I was still twenty-one when my fourth was born.  I lost one to death. She was an adult. My two sons have disowned me, from misunderstandings and my remaining daughter is in poor health. 

Shame, a personal burden I will carry my whole remaining life. I know I have been forgiven, and I have forhiven myself in order to live with me, but I carry the shame and grieve for my deeds. The loss of my innocence. Lashing out on those I love when I have broken down. No longer able to bare the pain. Mentel, physical, emotional and the loneliness. No excuses, but, Yes, God, sometimes it is too much. 

One thing I cannot live without is peace of mind. Jesus has given me that. I have many things I am grateful for. God knows my story and He knows my heart. Today my heart still carries the pain, shared with a joy. I'm no longer lonely. I have a friend, the Holy Spirit always with me. I also have some good friends. I no longer have the need to run away, trying to escape more pain.

A Confession/testimonial/ from the energizing Bunny, who is sick again. Yeast overgrowth which is caused by antibiptics which causes UTI's. A vicious cycle. Never properly treated. New doctor tomorrow. Praying for a better result.