---BEFORE---
Unconditional Love
I was my raw self,
You saw me and you loved me,
My heart shone in yours
Conviviality
Conviviality is what I felt
In the late nights when our spirits enlivened
Folded into the sofa watching tv
Gathered about the kitchen eating egg sandwiches
The times were simple but rich
and I would give anything to pay them another visit
Dropped egg on toast
There is a certain satisfaction to a perfectly poached egg on warm, buttered toast,
“How ‘bout a drop egg on toast?”my father would say,
As I sat bleary-eyed at the kitchen table in pajamas,
Is there anything more comforting than the smell of toast?
Cozy and rugged, the scent hugs you from the inside, promising the comfort of a childhood morning,
And the butter!
The butter takes the best of every flavor and amplifies it,
It makes cookies cookie-er, onions, oniony-er, and yes – toast toastier,
Oh, how I love to lift a piece of buttered toast to my face and sink my teeth into its crunchy, chewy perfection,
But best of all in this favorite meal is the perfectly poached egg,
Round and just firm enough, it sits proudly atop the toast like a crown jewel,
inviting all to admire the way the veiled yolk glistens, its pale skin hinting at the vibrant yellow beneath, waiting to be set free,
Finally, the much awaited moment arrives,
The sharp knife gleams as it pierces through, first revealing the oozing sunshine goodness,
Then soldiering through to the trusty, crusty toast layer,
The tines of my fork follow close behind, stacking the flavors just so until the first glorious bite is delivered,
And at once I am transported to that sunny spot in that sacred space in my heart, which is the eternal breakfast of my childhood, sitting in the kitchen with my dad.
Before
Before, you were here.
Before, we sat side by side in the car.
You looked at me,
And I at you.
Our combined presence left us both reassured.
Before, we were together.
Seeing and hearing the same things,
Working together to understand and make a plan,
To achieve.
Before, I could help.
If you needed something,
We needed it together.
We decided what to do.
We were free,
Before.
---SLIPPING AWAY---
Slipping Away
The light was missing,
Your eyes were weary and flat,
We yearned for the past.
I Remember
I remember those May days
That turned out to be the final chapter
Of a book with unknown length,
The way the gentle, pure light bathed the room each morning,
The careful, serene way you lived,
Ginger steps to your chair,
Peaceful, quiet breaths all day,
Nothing hurried,
You would ask for CNN,
“Let’s see what’s going on in the world,”
And when it showed us images of war and needless suffering,
Tears pooled in your eyes and rolled onto your cheeks,
Mom would come in the afternoon,
Your eyes smiled each time you saw her,
She would say anything to make you laugh,
To coax liveliness from your being,
She loved you and needed you so,
In the evening I would help you into your bed,
You would hug me with strong arms,
And look me in the eyes with love and sincerity and say,
“I love ya!”
Today is May 6,
One year ago I could not know
That there were 15 days left of your earthly life.
If I could
Your face said so much,
Even when the words resisted,
Your face told of pain, fear, and despair,
You were wrapped in a blanket,
Both physical and metaphorical,
Wrapped - in a damp cover of anguish, loss, and strain.
Oh, that I could uncover you from that damp blanket,
Fold it firmly in my arms and place it in a dusty corner to be forgotten.
Oh, that I could produce a new garment,
Knitted with softness and warmth,
Full of the goodness of the past,
Of untroubled, joyful, harmonious days,
Of reassurance, relief, and repose,
Of love and laughter and time aplenty,
That I could walk to you with this garment in my hands and cloak you in it,
Wrap it firmly around your shoulders and press it deeply against you,
Alleviate your suffering,
Like a child cradled,
Like a long awaited embrace,
Like falling into a much needed sleep,
Oh, how I would!
If I could.
Unencumbered
Many of the things that brought you joy,
Had become warped and difficult,
Striding across a room with purpose,
Stepping outside to breathe in the fresh air,
Swimming in the salty ocean,
Kneeling down to scoop adoring children up in a hug,
It wasn’t fair,
And now it’s over,
You are unencumbered,
Free to be all the love and joy and pride and freedom that ever existed and ever will.
---LOSS---
Moment of Loss
You were here with me,
I walked in and all was changed,
The stillness resounds
Goodbye and hello
Throughout our lives we say goodbye to the things we hold dear,
We ween ourselves from security blankets and imaginative, carefree days,
We say goodbye to our preschools and every school thereafter,
Our friends who move away,
Each job, office, and coworker we’ve ever had,
We say goodbye to our mothers and fathers as each passes away,
And to each version of our children as they grow and eventually leave home to begin their own lives,
We say goodbye to seasons,
To apartments and houses,
To each friend, brother, sister, aunt, or uncle who passes away,
We say goodbye to our ability to run, swim, skip, dance, spin, or
walk unencumbered,
And finally one day,
we say goodbye to all that is left,
to sunlight and grass and smiles and love and heartbreak and sadness,
And then, perhaps, we are reunited in one brilliant moment,
with all that was once lost.
The Heartbeat of Grief
I waited to see if you would inhale once more,
I love you,
I miss you,
I yearn to be with you,
I placed my ear against your chest and it was quiet and still,
I love you,
I miss you,
I yearn to be with you,
I thought about everything and nothing at once,
I love you,
I miss you,
I yearn to be with you,
The end and the beginning collided in one,
I love you,
I miss you,
I yearn to be with you,
I stepped unwillingly into the rest of my life,
I love you,
I miss you,
I yearn to be with you,
You are a current forever pulsing through me,
I love you,
I miss you,
I yearn to be with you,
I love you,
I miss you,
I yearn to be with you
How Can It Be True?
I wish I could have been there – in that last moment,
I can imagine but will never know for sure what played out
In the cinema behind your eyes,
Or the orchestra beneath your ribs,
I recall again and again the serenity of your countenance in the after moments,
I want to ask you to tell me about that peaceful feeling,
Oh, how can it be true that I will never again in this lifetime talk to you?
Irony
The person I needed
to help me through
the loss of my mother,
Was my mother
GRIEF
Gone from my senses
Rendering me a stunned shell of self
I must carry myself into the new world of after
Ever grasping the presence of your memory
Finality deafens the soul
Too Much to Say
Vastness of feeling
Enormity beyond expression
The child inside weeps silently
---HEALING---
Dance of Chaos Between Loss and Living
The moments keep whirling on by
Filling me up with a bubble of melancholy
Growing and growing and threatening to burst
Nostalgic Now
Like the echo of a memory,
Wearing Now but shrugging on Then,
The angle of sunlight,
The scent of the breeze,
The sense of feeling - felt from a new angle,
The Recognition of Substance,
Was it You then?
Is it You still?
Apart but Not Alone
Here I am,
Seated atop a bench,
In my favorite centering space,
Where the sky is wide open like a window flung up on the first warm day,
Inviting the soul to remember what’s beyond,
I am apart, but not alone
Accompanied by: a pair of geese, a man walking his dog, the sound of Chopin, euphonious in my ears, the continuous dance of fresh air upon my skin, and so many memories of happier days in this place,
The fresh clean air is a drink for my thirsty soul,
I pull in two lungfuls and my spine curls against it like a purring cat,
The expanse of space and solitude pours into a place I hadn’t known was hollow,
I nod my head to the presence of those passed,
And to the presence of myself
Flickers of Hope
The feeling of wellbeing kept passing through today,
It did not pull up a chair and settle in
As it did so many times before
But it never stayed away too long either
Instead it flickered in and out of my being like a tapered candle in a drafty room
At times muted by passing clouds of melancholy and fatigue
But then roaring warm and vibrant within me
Ignited and sustained by love
Old oak tree
Oh, Sturdy old oak tree,
Tuck me under the wing of your canopy of leaves,
Hold me safe and secure in your quiet contentment,
Spark in me the feelings of my childhood,
Of wonder and tenderness and Security,
Wise old tree,
Let me rest awhile in the yesteryears we both remember.
The Joining in Me
The world was in you
And now, you are in the world
Your laughter like the kindling of a fire,
Your eyes like the sparkle of the ocean,
Your embrace like the warmth and comfort of the sun,
The tall tree like your steadfast loving presence,
The fresh breeze like your playfulness and zeal,
The dancing flower petals like the beauty in your thoughts,
The one and the other,
The joining in me.
Like a soft, silver curtain
The rain mists softly across my view,
Like a soft, silver curtain
shrouding the landscape,
And wrapping me in coolness,
A blanket of stillness draping around my shoulders,
Whispering,
It will be Ok
I think of the many days you have lived,
The weather unveiling
A new scene,
A new mood,
A new glimpse of New England splendor,
I think of your life,
How many days like this?
How did this weather touch you?
As a boy?
As a man independent and seeking New adventures in your journey?
As a father?
Did this weather fill you with serenity and peace?
Did it fill you with longing and sadness?
How would you feel standing on this lawn -
If you were with me now?
Motherhood Snowfall
The memories drifted down like snowflakes as we made them,
Sparkling and plentiful,
Pristine in their uniqueness,
I stood till the last flake fell,
Rejoicing in the gleeful exhilaration of the festival of white,
Tucked safe and sound under the comforter of gray clouds,
Afterwards, All was still,
And the sting of the ice began to prickle at my skin.
Shivering and sniveling,
I’d never felt so lost or alone.
Slipping and stumbling,
I walked forward,
Step after step, I went from cold to numb as the beauty of our landscape blurred around me,
Until - Slowly, imperceptibly,
The snow began to melt,
Spreading deep and saturating soil,
Surrounding the sprouting seeds in hydration,
Today, abundant with flowers,
There’s not a snowflake in sight,
But each vibrant petal belies the sacred snowfall that came before it and nourished it into life,
I remember, and weep with gratitude.
Dad
“I love people,” you always said,
And how true it was,
Your pure, gentle love imbued the air around me through the downy soft buttercream days of childhood,
It was there in your polished voice when you placed your phone calls,
The smile on your face so easy to hear,
It was there in the laughter that bubbled out of you as you watched your movies,
Your heart so open to lightness and joy that it could not contain itself,
Your love stayed there through all the stacked up days and years,
How honored I was, when the time presented itself,
To absorb all that love as deeply as I could,
To brace myself, bear down,
And pour it all back onto you,
Bathing you in my love, which was born out of yours,
Enveloping you in all the tenderness and effervescence and beauty I was so grateful to have received,
In those moments late at night, when fear was in your eyes and in our hearts,
And the unknown lurked around us,
Love was the beacon that pulled us through,
And in that moment when all was still,
What was left was the opposite of emptiness,
It was Love, Love, Love,
Reverberating like silent thunder.
---REVERBERATIONS---
Melancholy Violin
Memory works the bow
Stirring sonorous sorrow
From the hollow core
Companion Within
Tears are never far from my eyes
These days
They are not tears of sadness
But a tapping in to the wellspring of life
A deep connection with the currents of love and connectedness and experience,
Reading a book,
Hearing a song,
Being with a loved one,
Being with a stranger,
Cracking open the shells of protection and sensing the universal vulnerability beneath,
I live my life and feel this un-loneliness,
And the tears flow unhurriedly
Lingering Thoughts
The swimming pool is blue and bright
This morning,
Cool and calm,
Peaceful and patient ,
It looks just the same as before,
The way it did on the carefree summer afternoons,
On the days we would laze aside it,
Slurping watermelon and laughing sparkly laughter in bikinis and swim trunks,
When our cares lay stagnant in the distant corners of our minds,
And our bodies rejoiced in the languid warmth of the sun,
That pool looks just as it did when we were joyful,
And felt that life was a gift just for us,
To treasure and unwrap,
But the air turned unexpectedly,
Inviting chill to the wind,
Ushering in new garments and activities,
Hastening the windows to close and the loved ones to draw inwards,
Indeed, new love and joy is ever awaiting,
Always around the corner,
Beckoning us forward,
And yet-
The mind lingers on the days from Before,
The laughter and being unburdened by worry or despair,
The mind yearns for before,
Or for some perceived forewarning of after,
The bright, blue pool stands steady,
And sings of the time left behind.
After
After the goodbyes were said,
And the car engines ignited,
After the dishes were cleared,
And the pajamas pulled on,
As the house settled down to bed,
That is when a message would brighten my phone,
Saying how nice a day it was,
And how full of peace and joy you were feeling,
Your sentiments of love and gratitude and wellbeing always mirrored my own,
And that is how holidays are supposed to end.
So - thank you for a beautiful lifetime,
And for countless celebrations full of joy and peace,
While this holiday was different,
there you were each minute,
Filling me up from Within,
Instead of Without.
Tree
The tall tree stands,
Strong and steady,
Firmly rooted,
Rejoicing in the warm sun and cool breeze,
Enduring the cold rain and unforgiving winds.
For a long time, it seems,
The tree has always been there,
Standing tall, Watching over us.
An assumption, Securely known,
Like the rising sun,
Like the returning tide,
Like the very presence of change.
The fall - Is inevitable, But devastating,
The stark sound of cracking bark,
The long descent as gravity exerts its deep pull.
The sky appears empty and bare, - After the fall,
The absence of its presence
Is deafening.
And yet with time,
The landscape settles into its altered state,
Newcomers get to know a new skyline,
Without the tree.
The fallen tree rests sturdy upon the ground,
Bringing fresh waves of joy,
A place to rest and watch the peaceful waves nearby.
For a long time, it seems,
The tree has always been there,
Laid upon the ground, beckoning us to sit.
We remember that the tree once stood,
Strong and steady, securely known,
And we rejoice and endure through the remembering.
Notice, feel, proceed
The memories trip us
Like catching skin on fabric
Notice, feel, proceed
