Starting over at the End

by playinaround

starting over at the end, may sound crazy to you, but is my situation…

I started feeling symptoms at age 14, when I became paranoid of cigarette smoke, aerosol sprays, and sunlight. I found out later. This was called schizoaffective disorder.

At age 23 I believed that I would be cured in no time. I thought that I would be working and self-sufficient and fitting into society. Then I would feel a part of and not a hopeless freak. I was wrong.

Unfortunatly I was treated well at my very first hospital stay, and I became addicted to quelling my pain, rage and confusion by going into hospitals. So many hospitalizations. Looking back, I see that I was abused, far more than comforted in those places . I deteriorated more socially and mentally even with the miraculous 'new' antipsychotic medication's.

My education: I completed my AA degree at Orange Coast College. Finished and received my license to practice as a psychiatric technician at Cypress College.

My work experience: I counted over 50 jobs I had since 1975. As the decades went by, it became more and more difficult to sell myself. I couldn't hold a job for more than two years all my life. Stress would always take over. At the tender age of 53 (haha) the extent of my disability made it impossible to reach my goal of supporting myself so I could leave the system and be part of the world. So I finally accepted myself as I was.

During the time of my educational pursuits, I Attended a day program. I attended this program for over 20 years off and on of course. I had acquaintances and was able to feel 'human' again inside those walls.

In my 30s I discovered a poetry website and wrote poems about my feelings and fictional stories about made up people. The reviews, and insights of my reviewer's fed my soul with the positive feedback that I craved. I also enjoyed reviewing others. Through the decades, I grew to enjoy art, and poetry to complete the work I needed to do to stay busy and have a purpose. Thanks to my efforts. I am very content today. I give zero credit to the mental health system here in the US. Especially the hospitals.

I worked on my faith and hope and would buy near death experience books, one after the other. Later, when the Internet exploded, I began to watch YouTube, I discovered that you could find anything and everything on this channel. Hope, faith and learning were at the touch of a button. I watched everything to do with what gave me hope and spiritual enlightenment.

Although I was a social wreck at as the decades passed, I am intact and content on the inside. I also learned to come out of myself and care for others. I did my best to help family and loved ones. There is one thing I learned and all my explorations, and that is that caring is the only thing that matters. I am building my love muscles as I speak, if you will.

I developed physical ailments through the years. One after the other, really, until finally, I was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer that spread to the bone.

I am blessed to have two more years to live to start over and experience what brings me joy and inspiration. This brings me back to the title of my story 'starting over at the end'.

Thank you for reading.

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A very brief description of my life

Starting over at the End

by playinaround

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