Dad, where are you going?

What?

Where... are... you going?

I'm gonna let the cat out.

In the closet?  We don't have a cat, Dad.

Don't start with me, Bobby.  Mother's kitty wants out.  I heard it meow and scratch the back door.  I'm letting it out, so Mother isn't awakened.

Come here, Dad.  Let me help you.

Help me what?  What are you doing in my house, bucko?  I thought you moved out.

I did, a long time ago.  It was best for everyone then.

Well then, leave.  Get out of my house before Mother wakes up.

This is my home, Dad.  You live with me.

Where's Mother?  You're gonna upset her with talk like that.

Mom's gone.

What do you mean?  Where'd she go?  She better not have run off with the cable guy.  I thought he was sneaky; I didn't like him at all.  He reminded me of a sailor.  Can't trust a sailor on shore. You know that, right?  Mother liked him.  He was always smiling with a butch-wax grin.  I saw right through him.  Mother liked him, I didn't.  He fixed her TV.  I tried to, but I couldn't.  I fixed a lot of things for her, but I couldn't fix her damn TV.  I hate sailors.

Here, step from the closet, Dad.  Mom didn't run off with the cable guy.  She was madly in love with you.  What a pair you were.

This is the back door, Mr. Smarty pants.  What do you mean, were?

Dad, the closet isn't the back door, and it isn't the bathroom either.  You've crapped your pajamas.  Now let me help you to the bathroom.

You will help me? You won't get mad at me?

No, why would I?

I think I've done somethin wrong, something bad.  I'm worried Bobby.  Are you mad at me?

Stop that.  You've done nothing wrong, Dad.

Well, you did.  You were a little bastard, but Mother loved you to no end.  She thought you could do no wrong.

I did, Dad.  I did lots of things wrong.

Does Mother know I live with you?

Depends if she can see us from heaven.

Don't say that!  She's around here somewhere.  She's always nagging me to take the trash out.

Step here, Dad.  You need a shower.

I'm not taking a shower with you.  I don't want to see you naked.

Just relax, Dad.  I'm going to get you clean underwear, fresh pajamas, and a treat.

A treat, for me?

Yes, step into the shower.  I'll be right back.

I ain't gonna go anywhere 'cept the shower.  I get a tree-eat, I get a tree-eat!

Good job, Dad.  Thank you for helping out.  I've got your jammies and underwear here, and I put your treat on the shelf by  the mirror. 

Oh goody!  I get a tree-eat... and you doe...ownt.

Let me help you, Dad.  Here, step forward out of your pajamas and lean on me.  Easy..., I won't let you fall.  You're going to be okay.  Do you need to pee?  If you do, it's okay.  Pee away.  It's all going down the drain anyway.

Mother won't know, will she?

Don't worry about it, Dad.  I'm sure it's the last thing she wants to see from heaven.

What the hell?  Who put that shit in my pajamas?  Did you do it, you naughty boy?  Mother will tan your hide when I tell her what you did.

It's alright, Dad.  I've gotcha, lean forward, and I'll spray that crap off your butt.  There you go, good job.  Now, I'm going to scrub you down with a nice lotion.

You ain't scrubbing nothing down, boy.  Don't you dare touch me with any lotion, what are you, a sailor?

Don't worry, I'm not going to scrub your tattoos off.

You couldn't even if you tried, sonny boy; SEMPER FI! 

Yes, sir, no problem.  Globe and Anchor forever.  Once a Marine, always a Marine, right?

OOH - RAAHH!  

That's the spirit, Dad.  Improvise, adapt, and overcome!

What's that?

Underwear.

It looks like a diaper; I'm not wearing a diaper, buddy boy.

It's okay, Dad.  This is the new Marine Corps camouflage lower torso flack vest.

Bull shit!

The Commandant approved them for all Silver Star decorated  Marine veterans, Dad.  No Squids or Dog Faces.

I'm getting cold, and my feet hurt, Bobby.  Can I have my treat now?

As soon as you are dressed, Dad.  Let me help you with this.

But I want my treat now!  I want it now, now, now, Bobby!  I'm telling Mother, you mean boy.  I want it now!

You wouldn't want her to see you naked, would you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?  Help me put it on before Mother walks in.  I don't want her to see me naked Bobby.  Don't let her in, please.  I said please, Bobby.  You're a good boy Bobby, a good boy.

There you go, that was easy, wasn't it?  Now, step into your jammies and slippers, and we can walk together to your bedroom.

I have a bedroom?

You sure do, Dad.  It has a private bathroom just for you.  It even has a button on the wall if you need help, remember?

No, I don't remember a button.  I don't like buttons.  Why are you so nice to me?  Why do you want me to push a button?

I love you, Dad.  You're my father.  I want you to be comfortable.  Push the button and I'll be there to help you.  Don't worry, it's just between us;  you and me and the good Lord above. He's watching over us. He doesn't care about your poop; He cares about your soul.

Did you ever get married?  I didn't think any proper woman would have anything to do with you.  I don't remember you having a wife.  You were a mean person.  You made your mother cry more than once.  I wanted to beat the crap out of you, but you were her baby.

I am very sorry for that difficult period, Dad.  I've set the electric blanket for you to be comfortable.  Yes, I did get married twenty years ago.  Mom cried then, too.

What's her name?  Did she leave you for a cable guy?  I hate sailors.

Ruth.

Where is she, with the fleet in San Diego?

She's in the family room with your granddaughter, Emmalie.

What are they doing there?

Praying for you, for us.

Nobody needs to pray for me.  What a waste of time.  Does Mother know they're here?

Dad, here's your treat.  It will help you sleep.

Oh, good!  Goody, good, good.  Don't forget to let the cat out, Bobby.  Mother will be angry if you don't.

Dad, here, hold my hand.

Why?  You already gave me my treat.

I love you, Dad, let's pray.

Stop it, Bobby.  I hate God.

I know, listen; Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name on earth as it is in heaven.  Hold me accountable for my, and my father's transgressions.  Comfort my father with your holy angels as he sleeps and waits for the next sunrise.

That was a good treat, Bobby.  Mother said a prayer like that every day at breakfast.  I feel comfortable...

Good night, Dad.