This was the realization of my current mental condition and how it became this way; more specifically how I was REacting out of defense for the fear of whatever anchor teetering on the edge of the ledge was going to drop & drag my life down to the depths again. It was a repeated process I was accustomed to & I was unaware and ignorantly blind to happiness along with true unconditional love that was not from my weighted double bladed sword relatives- excluding my maternal grandmother.