| Biographical Non-Fiction posted January 8, 2024 | Chapters: |
...34 35 -36- 37... 
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The year of peace
A chapter in the book Spectre
The Peace
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
The running of time is a waterfall of memory
The speed of joy is the crawl of pain
When one is serene, next year becomes tomorrow
When one hurts, today becomes centuries
Vision is clear when one looks back
Cloudy when one looks ahead
Today is the movie we watch
The pitch and yaw of our swimming hearts
A dream of normal fills days of peace
To quietly learn and banish the tornado
A hint and taste of the possible
Given daily with the families repast
***********************************
I'm still shaking with the emotions of learning truths I'd sometimes, much rather not. The combination of what paperwork I did receive and my mother's voice over the phone had me crying with fury and sadness.
My heart broke from the old wounds again.
As much as I know, and it's a lot, I still had a tiny spark inside me that hoped that maybe, there would be some hint of remorse. But there was nothing. Just the usual cruelty and denial.
I will say even in the middle of of my sorrow, the anger and the pain, I still knew that I would work to rise above it. I just had to take those moments to mourn a life I never had.
For my readers who know all that I've written so far. What comes and what I know, is that the ball continues to roll through life and it is the ball we're talking about. All the flotsam and mayhem attached to it and collecting more as it rolls downhill.
Naturally, people expected me to behave in a way that was socially acceptable and they naturally assumed that I knew what that was. Which I didn't. I knew some things, basic things, but I had no clue how to relate to people except on the negative side. If I should react strongly or not at all. I just didn't know and I made so many mistakes and wasted so much time. So far behind was I with regards to relating to the real world.
But people didn't know that, punishment came and left me a little bewildered as to the why of it. It's only now that I see.
But I have a job to do. I have a promise that I've made to my younger self, that I would tell her story up to today. This is the crux of it for me. This is my avenue to freedom. But she's still in the stage of not knowing and we must help her along.
Rime to go on again. Time to go back there to a place in when there was peace.
Climb aboard with me once again as we move on and explore her year of freedom...
We'll look again, beyond the veil....
***********************************
This would be the first time I was to see P's space. It was up in the attic. He had enough room to make a living room and bedroom. Which was really cool looking for this 1930s era home.
P set the VCR and put in the newly released movie 'Blade Runner'. A Harrison Ford blockbuster. P lit a pipe and passed it to me. I felt completely relaxed, my tummy was full of food. Feelings of safety and acceptance filled me.
I decided not stop to analyze the motives of why this family decided to help me, but simply enjoyed the feeling as it was.
It was a spectacular movie! Both P and myself were on the edge of our seats shouting at the TV saying things like,
"look out!" and "he's behind you!"
We joked and laughed with one another like friends do. I can't remember another time when my sides hurts so much from laughing. P proved to be a most entertaining and comedic friend.
They had a cute little white dog. a small terrier with curly hair, very friendly little thing. P kept calling him itchy.
"Watch this," he said to me cupping his hands around his mouth.
"ITCHY!!" He yelled.
Then I heard Mrs. B yell back,"HIS NAME'S NOT ITCHY! IT'S BRANDY!!"
"P started howling! Laughing his face off.
"Works everytime," P chuckled.
I was to learn quickly how much he would tease his mother. Shaking my head laughing and also shocked that he could joke with his family in that way, Brandy the dog appeared at my feet.
Over the next few weeks, P introduced me to his circle of friends. All of them were a good batch of young adults. They got into no more mischief than any other young adult did. They smoked weed, but that was the limit of their violence.
I got to experience the drive-in by using the family van. We would climb on top of the roof, which was quite high to begin with, spread out a blanket and watched the movie.
I met my best friend through an evening like that. She showed me how to stand up for myself in a different way.
I would call her 'the ball buster girl' as she took no crap from anyone.
We would hang out in this one specific coffee shop. Once in awhile we might order fries and throw them back and forth at each other. The coffee shop employees weren't always pleased to see us.
I learned what it was to genuinely smile, what it was the feel safe, what it was to know friendship, what it was to know the love of a real family. I gained a wonderful glimpse into what it could be had I grown up in a normal home. These were wondrous things to me, miracles that this family kept pulling out every day.
I never really got over the shock of realizing there was more. If I wasn't confused about my family already, I became more so knowing the difference.
With my new friends,we went camping at the base of a large volcano I showed them what I knew about being outdoors and they asked me many questions. Where did I learn the different things I could do? I just said, it was Army cadets and said nothing more. most of all I learned that life could be different, but I didn't always have to be on guard, that I could take things as they come and learn slowly over time how to react to different situations. How to behave less like a trapped animal and more like a young adult.
It was during this year that I met the father of my oldest child...
And once again, the wheel turns....
***********************
Remembering those times brings a smile to my face every time I do. It gave me the gift of the difference. It showed me what things could be and showed me that my family are the ones. That was the problem, not everyone else's. I am so close to leaving this place the lower mainland, the smog, the cruelty, the usury of people, the deceptions and the heartbreak of it all. I shall leave it all behind, on the shelf. I hope, these books help. I hope it provides some guidance for those who need it.
Until our next Journey....
The running of time is a waterfall of memory
The speed of joy is the crawl of pain
When one is serene, next year becomes tomorrow
When one hurts, today becomes centuries
Vision is clear when one looks back
Cloudy when one looks ahead
Today is the movie we watch
The pitch and yaw of our swimming hearts
A dream of normal fills days of peace
To quietly learn and banish the tornado
A hint and taste of the possible
Given daily with the families repast
***********************************
I'm still shaking with the emotions of learning truths I'd sometimes, much rather not. The combination of what paperwork I did receive and my mother's voice over the phone had me crying with fury and sadness.
My heart broke from the old wounds again.
As much as I know, and it's a lot, I still had a tiny spark inside me that hoped that maybe, there would be some hint of remorse. But there was nothing. Just the usual cruelty and denial.
I will say even in the middle of of my sorrow, the anger and the pain, I still knew that I would work to rise above it. I just had to take those moments to mourn a life I never had.
For my readers who know all that I've written so far. What comes and what I know, is that the ball continues to roll through life and it is the ball we're talking about. All the flotsam and mayhem attached to it and collecting more as it rolls downhill.
Naturally, people expected me to behave in a way that was socially acceptable and they naturally assumed that I knew what that was. Which I didn't. I knew some things, basic things, but I had no clue how to relate to people except on the negative side. If I should react strongly or not at all. I just didn't know and I made so many mistakes and wasted so much time. So far behind was I with regards to relating to the real world.
But people didn't know that, punishment came and left me a little bewildered as to the why of it. It's only now that I see.
But I have a job to do. I have a promise that I've made to my younger self, that I would tell her story up to today. This is the crux of it for me. This is my avenue to freedom. But she's still in the stage of not knowing and we must help her along.
Rime to go on again. Time to go back there to a place in when there was peace.
Climb aboard with me once again as we move on and explore her year of freedom...
We'll look again, beyond the veil....
***********************************
This would be the first time I was to see P's space. It was up in the attic. He had enough room to make a living room and bedroom. Which was really cool looking for this 1930s era home.
P set the VCR and put in the newly released movie 'Blade Runner'. A Harrison Ford blockbuster. P lit a pipe and passed it to me. I felt completely relaxed, my tummy was full of food. Feelings of safety and acceptance filled me.
I decided not stop to analyze the motives of why this family decided to help me, but simply enjoyed the feeling as it was.
It was a spectacular movie! Both P and myself were on the edge of our seats shouting at the TV saying things like,
"look out!" and "he's behind you!"
We joked and laughed with one another like friends do. I can't remember another time when my sides hurts so much from laughing. P proved to be a most entertaining and comedic friend.
They had a cute little white dog. a small terrier with curly hair, very friendly little thing. P kept calling him itchy.
"Watch this," he said to me cupping his hands around his mouth.
"ITCHY!!" He yelled.
Then I heard Mrs. B yell back,"HIS NAME'S NOT ITCHY! IT'S BRANDY!!"
"P started howling! Laughing his face off.
"Works everytime," P chuckled.
I was to learn quickly how much he would tease his mother. Shaking my head laughing and also shocked that he could joke with his family in that way, Brandy the dog appeared at my feet.
Over the next few weeks, P introduced me to his circle of friends. All of them were a good batch of young adults. They got into no more mischief than any other young adult did. They smoked weed, but that was the limit of their violence.
I got to experience the drive-in by using the family van. We would climb on top of the roof, which was quite high to begin with, spread out a blanket and watched the movie.
I met my best friend through an evening like that. She showed me how to stand up for myself in a different way.
I would call her 'the ball buster girl' as she took no crap from anyone.
We would hang out in this one specific coffee shop. Once in awhile we might order fries and throw them back and forth at each other. The coffee shop employees weren't always pleased to see us.
I learned what it was to genuinely smile, what it was the feel safe, what it was to know friendship, what it was to know the love of a real family. I gained a wonderful glimpse into what it could be had I grown up in a normal home. These were wondrous things to me, miracles that this family kept pulling out every day.
I never really got over the shock of realizing there was more. If I wasn't confused about my family already, I became more so knowing the difference.
With my new friends,we went camping at the base of a large volcano I showed them what I knew about being outdoors and they asked me many questions. Where did I learn the different things I could do? I just said, it was Army cadets and said nothing more. most of all I learned that life could be different, but I didn't always have to be on guard, that I could take things as they come and learn slowly over time how to react to different situations. How to behave less like a trapped animal and more like a young adult.
It was during this year that I met the father of my oldest child...
And once again, the wheel turns....
***********************
Remembering those times brings a smile to my face every time I do. It gave me the gift of the difference. It showed me what things could be and showed me that my family are the ones. That was the problem, not everyone else's. I am so close to leaving this place the lower mainland, the smog, the cruelty, the usury of people, the deceptions and the heartbreak of it all. I shall leave it all behind, on the shelf. I hope, these books help. I hope it provides some guidance for those who need it.
Until our next Journey....
 Recognized |
This chapter is part of an autobio called Spectre. Book 2 in a trilogy. Book 1 is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you'd like to read. Please note, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.
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