| General Poetry
posted December 9, 2023 |
Be careful what you wish for!
Song of Smelf the Unhappiest Elf
This is the story of a sad little elf
who wasn’t very happy being himself.
You see while his kin prized a nice pointy ear,
Smelf so dearly wanted to join the reindeer.
Little interest took he in his toolkit;
he’d be happier chomping on a brass bit.
Life in the workshop felt like base drudgery—
why waste time making toys when he could fly free?
At night while others ate sugarplum dinner,
Smelf only dreamed, like the rocking-horse winner,
of flying faster, farther, cleaving the air
with mightiest antlers crowning soft brown hair.
“But what can I do,” thought Smelf, heaving a sigh,
“I am what I am, and shall be ‘til I die.”
And just then an idea popped in his head!
Whilst the other elves slept, Smelf leapt down from his bed,
ran off to the stables and gathered up fur
loose on the ground—not a fun task to be sure—
and using his trusty (if rusty) glue gun,
stuck fur on his body ‘til covered in dun,
waiting for sunrise and hoping against hope
that Santa would see him and wouldn’t say “Nope!”
It may come as a surprise to learn this ruse didn’t work.
Once caught the elves laughed and called Smelf a dumb jerk
(ok, actually they called him much worse,
but this poem’s PG, there’s no need to curse).
And as for Santa, he wasn’t quite jolly,
more like perturbed by Smelf’s ill-conceived folly.
“So you want to join my team pulling the sleigh?
Very well elf, let’s try it on for a day.”
With a wink of his eye and twitch of the nose,
Santa changed Smelf faster than you can tie bows.
Clothes melted away, and so did Smelf’s hands,
‘til where once was an elf, now a reindeer stands.
He tried to say thank you, but couldn’t make words--
only odd deer-sounds that disturbed all the birds.
Quickly Smelf was fitted into position
and soon began questioning his decision.
If you’d like to know why, just sit and ponder:
he got harnessed behind Blitzen’s big yonder!
(and if you ever wondered about Blitzen’s name,
let’s just say his schitzen puts roadkill to shame).
To Smelf’s horror each reindeer then was fed
something he knew’d make him wish he was dead.
It was green and crunchy and cruciferous
and would soon produce a smell quite luciferous.
Now my dear friend you know what no-one assumes,
that reindeer only fly by coasting on fumes.
After a day with Blitzen’s bum in his face
Smelf sincerely wished to return to his place
back in the workshop and laboring hours long,
grudgingly admitting he had been wrong.
Once landed Santa could clearly read his mind,
for in but a minute Smelf rejoined elf-kind.
And so this elf put his dreams up on a shelf,
thus ending the tale of miserable Smelf.
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Humorous Christmas Poem writing prompt entry
Writing Prompt
Write a funny Christmas poem of any length that rhymes. Any Christmas-related subject is fine. Other holidays excluded. No Labor Day or International Curmudgeon Day. Boxing Day is straight out. Etc. Must have a clear rhyme scheme, but the specific pattern is up to the author. Have fun and feel free to be silly (but not tooo silly, this is a dignified literary website after all!).
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Have your Smelf a merry little Christmas!
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