| Biographical Non-Fiction posted November 26, 2023 | Chapters: |
...8 9 -10- 11... 
|
  |
Neither here nor there
A chapter in the book Spectre
The In-between
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
No such thing as tempered rage
Only anger marks the stage
When all your life's a wrenching cage
Bust the bars the killers wage.
Bursting buds of bluest night.
The Phoenix rise in rocket flight.
Change the wrongs which should be right.
Turn the darkness into light.
Reveal the cage disguised as home
Set free the souls and let them roam
Phoenix burns with brilliant blooms
The negative, has no room.
*****************************
Today I was looking over my very first book ever.
There is pride and pain in those pages.
There is also myself. My tears, my heart in every written word. For me, the whole book is cathartic.
Yet there is still so much content yet to come.
That girl remains within me and then some, but I must also remember, parts of the past will always remain. Perhaps now it will simply
change form.
Crying is not necessarily a bad thing.
Weeping this out is simply an aid in the smooth flow of words to paper and out of my head.
In some ways it's like ripping the scab from a wound and it bleeds all over again.
Or in another way, I'm getting a dermal abrasion to get rid of the scars.
Makes me think we ought to have a new Olympic sport. How to jump from one trampoline to another in one easy lesson.
Sifting thoughts to a logical part of my mind, my eyes drift around the room. Glinting colored sparkles show their faces here and there bouncing off multiple pieces of jewelry newly created. They always remind me of Christmas lights. The seasons holiday soon to begin for many.
So while I'm busy contemplating my naval, I will now retreat from that and go back to telling the story I began a book and a bit ago.
She's not done with us yet....
*****************************
"It's ok mom. I just have a visitor," E said.
"Well keep it quiet in there, you know I need to rest," E's mom said.
"Ok mom. Sorry we'll keep it down," E answered.
I removed my arm from her neck which she rubbed gently.
"You used me. You tried to turn me into a hooker." My voice low sent through clenched teeth. Just barely keeping under control while shaking in anger.
"Are you some kind of boss or something? How many others have you done this to?" I demanded.
"There's a few out there," She answered. "But hey, I tried to help you out that's..." Then she saw the thunder in my face and her voice just tapered off.
"Your gonna give me the cash you took using me," I said.
"I was gonna give it to you anyway but you took..." Again her voiced tapered off.
I held out my hand.
She sighed and reached for her bag. Producing two hundred dollars she handed it over to me. "By rights you should only get one hundred after last nights fiasco."
"Do you really want to go there with me?" I said. I was a foot taller than her and towered over her to make my point. She just stood there staring at me.
Other than my stepfather and my mother, she's the only person I really wanted to punch!
"I'm going in the closet to get my bag." I turned to retrieve it and quickly grabbed pants and a T-shirt. A fast change saw her pink outfit back in her hands.
"Look," I said to E. "I don't know what you're thinking doing this stuff, it can't be good. Maybe you should try something else before you get hurt or your mom finds out." I might not know much about anything but I know this crap makes me feel like shit."
Again she just stared at me.
I shrugged picked up my bag and walked out the front door. My feet were terribly tired, I was thirsty and hungry. Two blocks back was a McDonald's, I made a B-line for it.
As I munched down on a burger and fries, I started to think about where I could go.
Family members were out. My mother made sure of that. I let the tears slip down my face knowing I was out of options. I considered the forest again but I quickly dismissed it. At best a forest stay was temporary. I needed something permanent, something stable. Something I didn't have to be afraid was going to be pulled out from under me at any moment. With nowhere to go I headed back to the park where i'd met the homeless people that night.
I couldn't sit at McDonalds all day crying. My feet were sore too from putting on so many kilometers when I still hadn't slept the night before.
It was tough controlling emotions when I was so physically tired. I stood up knowing that if I stayed put, I might have fallen asleep their table.
Drying me eyes, I put my garbage in a bin and started for the park.
I was glad it was only two kilometers away as I'd had enough. Walking along slowly under the beautiful sun looking at the glory of the natural world, I wondered if human life could be beautiful too. What a thing that would be.
Entering the park, I headed down one of the smaller trails looking for a dry, off the path spot so I could lay my head down. A few minutes later I walked off the path about ten feet in. The was a large cedar standing sentinal with great bent bows. Crawling under, I was semi covered and surrounded in the fresh green sent. I pulled my jacket out of the bag and laid it on the ground. I almost collapsed on it but, managed to also pull out a sweater. I wrapped it around my shoulders then curled up in a ball. The quiet of the forest came roaring in, while the tree wrapped me in beautiful cedar green.
I quickly fell into a deep slumber.
Blessedly free of dreams.
************************
Re-reading what I written I wanted to make sure I wear laid the exact feeling at the time. A mixture of fear anger frustration and disappointment. I leaned back once again from my PC, running my hands through my hair. After every chapter, especially the busy ones, I feel a bit drained. Sometimes I do think about the childhood lost for 3 young girls.
But we survived and we learned. It was no thanks to the parental figures that were in our lives.
Every day I find out more family history. More stuff flying around that only car robberates everything that I already know.
I still feel, even at this moment, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. That it's the pinnacle of what my life is supposed to be.
I hold up the mirror now for every abuser and abusee that may be out there. A message for each is imbedded in this story. Messages that are individual to each of you.
As for the rest of the story, it goes out to every other person outside of that life and watch for the recognizable signs of abuse.
Thank you everyone once again for reading and hanging in there!
Rest now...more mountains to climb...more days to get there.
No such thing as tempered rage
Only anger marks the stage
When all your life's a wrenching cage
Bust the bars the killers wage.
Bursting buds of bluest night.
The Phoenix rise in rocket flight.
Change the wrongs which should be right.
Turn the darkness into light.
Reveal the cage disguised as home
Set free the souls and let them roam
Phoenix burns with brilliant blooms
The negative, has no room.
*****************************
Today I was looking over my very first book ever.
There is pride and pain in those pages.
There is also myself. My tears, my heart in every written word. For me, the whole book is cathartic.
Yet there is still so much content yet to come.
That girl remains within me and then some, but I must also remember, parts of the past will always remain. Perhaps now it will simply
change form.
Crying is not necessarily a bad thing.
Weeping this out is simply an aid in the smooth flow of words to paper and out of my head.
In some ways it's like ripping the scab from a wound and it bleeds all over again.
Or in another way, I'm getting a dermal abrasion to get rid of the scars.
Makes me think we ought to have a new Olympic sport. How to jump from one trampoline to another in one easy lesson.
Sifting thoughts to a logical part of my mind, my eyes drift around the room. Glinting colored sparkles show their faces here and there bouncing off multiple pieces of jewelry newly created. They always remind me of Christmas lights. The seasons holiday soon to begin for many.
So while I'm busy contemplating my naval, I will now retreat from that and go back to telling the story I began a book and a bit ago.
She's not done with us yet....
*****************************
"It's ok mom. I just have a visitor," E said.
"Well keep it quiet in there, you know I need to rest," E's mom said.
"Ok mom. Sorry we'll keep it down," E answered.
I removed my arm from her neck which she rubbed gently.
"You used me. You tried to turn me into a hooker." My voice low sent through clenched teeth. Just barely keeping under control while shaking in anger.
"Are you some kind of boss or something? How many others have you done this to?" I demanded.
"There's a few out there," She answered. "But hey, I tried to help you out that's..." Then she saw the thunder in my face and her voice just tapered off.
"Your gonna give me the cash you took using me," I said.
"I was gonna give it to you anyway but you took..." Again her voiced tapered off.
I held out my hand.
She sighed and reached for her bag. Producing two hundred dollars she handed it over to me. "By rights you should only get one hundred after last nights fiasco."
"Do you really want to go there with me?" I said. I was a foot taller than her and towered over her to make my point. She just stood there staring at me.
Other than my stepfather and my mother, she's the only person I really wanted to punch!
"I'm going in the closet to get my bag." I turned to retrieve it and quickly grabbed pants and a T-shirt. A fast change saw her pink outfit back in her hands.
"Look," I said to E. "I don't know what you're thinking doing this stuff, it can't be good. Maybe you should try something else before you get hurt or your mom finds out." I might not know much about anything but I know this crap makes me feel like shit."
Again she just stared at me.
I shrugged picked up my bag and walked out the front door. My feet were terribly tired, I was thirsty and hungry. Two blocks back was a McDonald's, I made a B-line for it.
As I munched down on a burger and fries, I started to think about where I could go.
Family members were out. My mother made sure of that. I let the tears slip down my face knowing I was out of options. I considered the forest again but I quickly dismissed it. At best a forest stay was temporary. I needed something permanent, something stable. Something I didn't have to be afraid was going to be pulled out from under me at any moment. With nowhere to go I headed back to the park where i'd met the homeless people that night.
I couldn't sit at McDonalds all day crying. My feet were sore too from putting on so many kilometers when I still hadn't slept the night before.
It was tough controlling emotions when I was so physically tired. I stood up knowing that if I stayed put, I might have fallen asleep their table.
Drying me eyes, I put my garbage in a bin and started for the park.
I was glad it was only two kilometers away as I'd had enough. Walking along slowly under the beautiful sun looking at the glory of the natural world, I wondered if human life could be beautiful too. What a thing that would be.
Entering the park, I headed down one of the smaller trails looking for a dry, off the path spot so I could lay my head down. A few minutes later I walked off the path about ten feet in. The was a large cedar standing sentinal with great bent bows. Crawling under, I was semi covered and surrounded in the fresh green sent. I pulled my jacket out of the bag and laid it on the ground. I almost collapsed on it but, managed to also pull out a sweater. I wrapped it around my shoulders then curled up in a ball. The quiet of the forest came roaring in, while the tree wrapped me in beautiful cedar green.
I quickly fell into a deep slumber.
Blessedly free of dreams.
************************
Re-reading what I written I wanted to make sure I wear laid the exact feeling at the time. A mixture of fear anger frustration and disappointment. I leaned back once again from my PC, running my hands through my hair. After every chapter, especially the busy ones, I feel a bit drained. Sometimes I do think about the childhood lost for 3 young girls.
But we survived and we learned. It was no thanks to the parental figures that were in our lives.
Every day I find out more family history. More stuff flying around that only car robberates everything that I already know.
I still feel, even at this moment, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. That it's the pinnacle of what my life is supposed to be.
I hold up the mirror now for every abuser and abusee that may be out there. A message for each is imbedded in this story. Messages that are individual to each of you.
As for the rest of the story, it goes out to every other person outside of that life and watch for the recognizable signs of abuse.
Thank you everyone once again for reading and hanging in there!
Rest now...more mountains to climb...more days to get there.
Please note, this story is part of an auto bio called Spectre part of a 3 book series. This is number 2. Number 1 is called Ghost and can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read. Please note some chapters are hard to digest, reader discretion is advised.
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