| Biographical Non-Fiction posted November 23, 2023 | Chapters: |
...5 6 -7- 8... 
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A period of ambiguity at best
A chapter in the book Spectre
The Grey
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
BIRTH WEAK LIFE EARTH
CRAWL WALK STUMBLE FALL
PAIN RISE DUST ANON
LOVE LEARN HATE CHOICE
PUSH PULL CLIMB DROP
HURT HONE HOLD DECIDE
JUDGE CHANGE FIX MOLD
SHARE SPLIT TAKE DIVIDE
SEND RECEIVE MATE CHILD
BRAVE SOUL SHAPE PERFECT
AGE WISE KNOW LEAVE
ARRIVE HOME AT LAST....
************************************
The indifferent silence of the night followed me throughout the house. Like black satin sheets, never quite settling yet whispers along elusively.
My feet kept pace with my mind as I walked around the house in circles from the inside out, then into the house again.
I stopped...bent over to grip my knees as the memorative onslaught hit. A tempered wail of old anguish escaped my lips.
I stirred up old ghosts today. Hot on my heels the spectre of memory continues to tap on my shoulder with a "pay attention to me" kind of attitude testing my boundaries. So I hold back a little of myself. This is an exercise in balance.
The memories fade in and out then slip into shadow but never truly leave. I ignore them as best I can.
I wish I could say my life went on smoothly...There's no coincidences though and actions are always situational. Hard and fast rules are just an illusion.
Of course, it didn't. Everything came the hard way until I finally learned my own life lessons that should have been taught to me as a child.
***
I just received word of the latest injustice my mother has done.
She gathered up the usual gang of arm chair, life destroyers and set out to do what she's done my whole life. She went to my sisters to spin another story to discredite me.
This time, my middle sister involved my youngest son. She and my mother told him terrible things.
Before I knew what the words of my grandmother and my mother came tumbling out of my sons mouth.
I knew them for what they were. The generational madness, I'd been hearing and living with my entire life.
So a message comes that says, he wishes nothing more to do with me and says I'm to have no contact with my grandchildren at all. Judge, jury and executioner. There goes generation number four with only myself in the third shouting, "No!"
The terrible injustice of my mother's insidious lies across over two large families to make it happen but this time my sisters and sons joined her. No one asked a question. No one thought to check with me or come around. They assumed I was what my mother said.
I never told my sons how deceitful my mother is or all the terrible things I grew up with.
I did tell them to take things that they hear from her with a grain of salt.
Now, my frustrated tears run unchecked with the thought of never seeing my sons again.
I wonder what is my limit is for pain? Do I really need to find out? I feel like i'm stripped down to clay for the potter's wheel to mold me once again.
I cannot allow any of this to deter me or bring me down the rabbit hole again.
If I must live alone with no one in my life, then I will. So I can stand.
I would cry for hours sometimes followed up with anger. My rage steers me forward every time.
I must come out of that dark place now... I cannot continue a fight with no resolution. Even now she and my sisters involve my own sons who in turn involved my own grandchildren.
Perhaps I should have bashed my parents throughout their growing up. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want my problems to be theirs. Saying anything at all would have just made the wheel go round to pass to yet another generation with no doubt.
As for the dark...I know longer fear it. It's always been the least of my worries.
Only what hides within...now that's something else!
*****************************
"Hey...can you hear me in there? Are you okay? Can you answer?"
It was E of course. Her voice finally brought me round.
"Ya, I'm okay. Im coming out." I said.
"Hurry up! We gotta get ready!" She said.
"Ready for what?" I asked.
"I told you. Only one night off." She replied.
"One night off for what though? I didn't realize we were working on something. So what's going on?" I demanded.
"I told you. I'm teaching you a new way of doing things. A way to keep a roof over your head." Be independent!" She answered. "I mean you can't stay here forever. Mom will find out eventually. So let's get this done so I don't have to worry about you."
"Worry about me? She wasn't too worried the other night" I thought. But I just said, "Ok, tell me what you want me to do."
"All we do is entertain men. Talk with them, dance with them, party with them. Make them feel special. Men pay for that.""Why?" I asked.
"I dunno...lonely I guess. Maybe they don't know how to pick up girls...who knows. I don't really care myself as long as they pay." E said.
"How much was my virginity." I thought but said nothing.
"Let's go." she said. "Times getting short. I'm going to teach you how to do your own make up and hair too but, not today.
Tomorrow we'll have more time. Besides, I won't be around forever and you'll need to know."
She picked an outfit for me. A pink affair with fabric almost translucent. It flowed like water around me when I moved. She put my hair up this time, with small sections hanging down. Dangling gold earrings combined with with smokey makeup,completed the look.
Once again, a woman stared back at me from the mirror. Someone I didn't know, someone I didn't recognize.
"It's just as well." I thought. "This woman can deal with it. I can just hang out inside."
"Cabs here!" E shouted. Getting into the cab, E gave instructions to the cabby to take us to the same club we were at the night before last.
I started to panic. "The same place?" I asked.
"Yes, but we go to other places too. Generally we start there though." She answered. "Not the same guys either." She said. "New prospects tonight."
The cab arrived at the club. E took care of the fare and there I was. Standing in the same area we were in the other night. Across the lot I saw K. He was not alone. A petite blonde girl was encased in his arms.
I thought, "Thank God he's otherwise occupied."
"Hey! E baby. We're over here!"
I looked in the direction of the voice as E waved at them. "C'mon." E said and started to walk toward the two men...As we walked we passed K. I gave him a "how could you do this?" look.
The blonde girl whispered in his ear.
"Don't worry about it." K answered. "They're just the local sluts."
I don't know what possessed me. I walked over to K and slapped him hard across the face. "Fuck you asshole!"
"You know you won't make it in this business if you can't be pleasant bitch!" He shouted.
"Let's go." E said. We continued toward the other two men. One Of the men, a Ginger haired fellow said, "Wow, you got spice! I like that. Can you do that to my ass?" He chuckled.
I found myself in the same situation I was in two nights before. Just the two men were different.
But were they really that different? I suspected not.
I could feel myself drifting away.
I let it happen....the alternative was more pain....
**********************present
I still feel the ache of betrayal. No one will listen here. Everyone my mother has talked to refuses to hear me out. Even my sons refuse to hear me out. I cannot fight this. I must leave and soon.
I disappeared once for five years. I will do it again for my remaining days.
The shield protecting me is starting to becoming quite battered. I am forced to choose between them and myself.
I went out into the backyard with my little dog. i started having a little chat with god who I often do as I am often alone. He doesn't interrupt me and tell me I'm a liar. I asked for strength. I asked him to prop me up during these times when my knees wish to a buckle. Most of all, I ask for wisdom to hopefully make good decisions.
Wisdom... It's a complicated word. We're still getting to know each other.
BIRTH WEAK LIFE EARTH
CRAWL WALK STUMBLE FALL
PAIN RISE DUST ANON
LOVE LEARN HATE CHOICE
PUSH PULL CLIMB DROP
HURT HONE HOLD DECIDE
JUDGE CHANGE FIX MOLD
SHARE SPLIT TAKE DIVIDE
SEND RECEIVE MATE CHILD
BRAVE SOUL SHAPE PERFECT
AGE WISE KNOW LEAVE
ARRIVE HOME AT LAST....
************************************
The indifferent silence of the night followed me throughout the house. Like black satin sheets, never quite settling yet whispers along elusively.
My feet kept pace with my mind as I walked around the house in circles from the inside out, then into the house again.
I stopped...bent over to grip my knees as the memorative onslaught hit. A tempered wail of old anguish escaped my lips.
I stirred up old ghosts today. Hot on my heels the spectre of memory continues to tap on my shoulder with a "pay attention to me" kind of attitude testing my boundaries. So I hold back a little of myself. This is an exercise in balance.
The memories fade in and out then slip into shadow but never truly leave. I ignore them as best I can.
I wish I could say my life went on smoothly...There's no coincidences though and actions are always situational. Hard and fast rules are just an illusion.
Of course, it didn't. Everything came the hard way until I finally learned my own life lessons that should have been taught to me as a child.
***
I just received word of the latest injustice my mother has done.
She gathered up the usual gang of arm chair, life destroyers and set out to do what she's done my whole life. She went to my sisters to spin another story to discredite me.
This time, my middle sister involved my youngest son. She and my mother told him terrible things.
Before I knew what the words of my grandmother and my mother came tumbling out of my sons mouth.
I knew them for what they were. The generational madness, I'd been hearing and living with my entire life.
So a message comes that says, he wishes nothing more to do with me and says I'm to have no contact with my grandchildren at all. Judge, jury and executioner. There goes generation number four with only myself in the third shouting, "No!"
The terrible injustice of my mother's insidious lies across over two large families to make it happen but this time my sisters and sons joined her. No one asked a question. No one thought to check with me or come around. They assumed I was what my mother said.
I never told my sons how deceitful my mother is or all the terrible things I grew up with.
I did tell them to take things that they hear from her with a grain of salt.
Now, my frustrated tears run unchecked with the thought of never seeing my sons again.
I wonder what is my limit is for pain? Do I really need to find out? I feel like i'm stripped down to clay for the potter's wheel to mold me once again.
I cannot allow any of this to deter me or bring me down the rabbit hole again.
If I must live alone with no one in my life, then I will. So I can stand.
I would cry for hours sometimes followed up with anger. My rage steers me forward every time.
I must come out of that dark place now... I cannot continue a fight with no resolution. Even now she and my sisters involve my own sons who in turn involved my own grandchildren.
Perhaps I should have bashed my parents throughout their growing up. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want my problems to be theirs. Saying anything at all would have just made the wheel go round to pass to yet another generation with no doubt.
As for the dark...I know longer fear it. It's always been the least of my worries.
Only what hides within...now that's something else!
*****************************
"Hey...can you hear me in there? Are you okay? Can you answer?"
It was E of course. Her voice finally brought me round.
"Ya, I'm okay. Im coming out." I said.
"Hurry up! We gotta get ready!" She said.
"Ready for what?" I asked.
"I told you. Only one night off." She replied.
"One night off for what though? I didn't realize we were working on something. So what's going on?" I demanded.
"I told you. I'm teaching you a new way of doing things. A way to keep a roof over your head." Be independent!" She answered. "I mean you can't stay here forever. Mom will find out eventually. So let's get this done so I don't have to worry about you."
"Worry about me? She wasn't too worried the other night" I thought. But I just said, "Ok, tell me what you want me to do."
"All we do is entertain men. Talk with them, dance with them, party with them. Make them feel special. Men pay for that.""Why?" I asked.
"I dunno...lonely I guess. Maybe they don't know how to pick up girls...who knows. I don't really care myself as long as they pay." E said.
"How much was my virginity." I thought but said nothing.
"Let's go." she said. "Times getting short. I'm going to teach you how to do your own make up and hair too but, not today.
Tomorrow we'll have more time. Besides, I won't be around forever and you'll need to know."
She picked an outfit for me. A pink affair with fabric almost translucent. It flowed like water around me when I moved. She put my hair up this time, with small sections hanging down. Dangling gold earrings combined with with smokey makeup,completed the look.
Once again, a woman stared back at me from the mirror. Someone I didn't know, someone I didn't recognize.
"It's just as well." I thought. "This woman can deal with it. I can just hang out inside."
"Cabs here!" E shouted. Getting into the cab, E gave instructions to the cabby to take us to the same club we were at the night before last.
I started to panic. "The same place?" I asked.
"Yes, but we go to other places too. Generally we start there though." She answered. "Not the same guys either." She said. "New prospects tonight."
The cab arrived at the club. E took care of the fare and there I was. Standing in the same area we were in the other night. Across the lot I saw K. He was not alone. A petite blonde girl was encased in his arms.
I thought, "Thank God he's otherwise occupied."
"Hey! E baby. We're over here!"
I looked in the direction of the voice as E waved at them. "C'mon." E said and started to walk toward the two men...As we walked we passed K. I gave him a "how could you do this?" look.
The blonde girl whispered in his ear.
"Don't worry about it." K answered. "They're just the local sluts."
I don't know what possessed me. I walked over to K and slapped him hard across the face. "Fuck you asshole!"
"You know you won't make it in this business if you can't be pleasant bitch!" He shouted.
"Let's go." E said. We continued toward the other two men. One Of the men, a Ginger haired fellow said, "Wow, you got spice! I like that. Can you do that to my ass?" He chuckled.
I found myself in the same situation I was in two nights before. Just the two men were different.
But were they really that different? I suspected not.
I could feel myself drifting away.
I let it happen....the alternative was more pain....
**********************present
I still feel the ache of betrayal. No one will listen here. Everyone my mother has talked to refuses to hear me out. Even my sons refuse to hear me out. I cannot fight this. I must leave and soon.
I disappeared once for five years. I will do it again for my remaining days.
The shield protecting me is starting to becoming quite battered. I am forced to choose between them and myself.
I went out into the backyard with my little dog. i started having a little chat with god who I often do as I am often alone. He doesn't interrupt me and tell me I'm a liar. I asked for strength. I asked him to prop me up during these times when my knees wish to a buckle. Most of all, I ask for wisdom to hopefully make good decisions.
Wisdom... It's a complicated word. We're still getting to know each other.
 Recognized |
The story is part of an autobio called Spectre. Book 2 of a 3 book series. The first book is called Ghost. Both can be found on my portfolio if you wish to read. Please note, some chapters are hard to read. Reader discretion is advised.
***Art by Lea Tonin***
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