| Biographical Non-Fiction posted November 16, 2023 | Chapters: |
...62 63 -64- 65 
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Wherever you go there you are. Age 16-17
A chapter in the book Ghost
End
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
Echoes of silent darkness
Permeating the air
My heart lives there too....
************************************
It was so chilly out this morning, so frosty. The last of the autumn leaves said to hell with this and left the scene, the cold sun said adios!
Every bush, building and field around me is covered in that white hoary jacket. Here, it is either bright and cold, or warm and wet. Usually the latter.
Today is a day I've never experienced before. I feel like there's a bunch of room in my head now for other stuff.
Like old furniture was moved out that once looked intimidating, now looks like trash.
I have decided that conclusions are not endings. It's just a stop over or an interlude for the next scenes.
I think every one of us envisions a nice home with a beautiful yard and dog, maybe a place to fish and camp with happy kids and a partner who loves you. I was no different.
I do have beautiful sons and a dog. I sometimes get to fly fish too.
But today that odd sensation seems to be perpetuating itself.
Like chucking all the files that are 7 years and older. As any office would.
But the gang plank in my brain was set down on a wharf designed to receive bullshit. A whole bunch of it came marching out.
Again, I feel this desire to be absolutely transparent as I have throughout this whole journey. But even more so now in this last piece.
I'll give my thoughts, my heart and head at the time as I knew it to be....
The vast network of Jungle vines, that was my mind and tangled within sit's the nugget of the girl I was born to be.
The last part of myself I gave to no one and still do not...probably never will.
I'll see you on the other side....
*****************************
Curtains sliced the sun to a single ray traveling across my eyelids. Feeling warm and comfortable, I stretched with only a few aches and pains while allowing my eyes to open.
"Hmm.' I thought. "This is not familiar." Then it all came rushing back.
"Wow, you slept a long time!" P exclaimed. "No easy feat on that couch!"
"How long?" I croaked.
"Since yesterday around noon." She said. "You must be hungry. Moms got breakfast. Cmon."
In fact I was ravenous and incredibly thirsty. I could smell bacon coming from the kitchen. I loved bacon.
Entering the kitchen a little shyly. I looked around and saw P's mother at the stove. She smiled at me.
"Sit down." she said. "How many eggs? She asked.
"Sorry? Oh eggs. Yes please, two. Thank you." I responded quietly.
A stack of toast a jug of juice peanut butter and jam appeared before me.
"Go ahead and have some toast and juice. Bacon and eggs coming up!"
Before she could finish the sentence, I had already gobbled up one piece.
I couldn't swallow it fast enough. A glass of juice quickly followed. P's younger brother D and sister S came to the table followed by their Dad, all with hungry expressions.
"Pass the toast Buck Wheat." Father said to his son.
D scrunched up his nose, gave an annoyed expression and passed the toast.
"What about you Rastus? Gonna share that juice?" Offering me a wink as he did so. I passed him the juice.
P's mother started serving eggs out of the pan and placed a bowl of bacon on the table.
I watched the dynamics within my friend's family while I inhaled food. Smiled while they chatted back and forth. D chucked a piece of toast at S. S screeched and sent it back."
Did families actually do this? Not freak out about table manners or a chore that's not done? Laugh with one another?
I didn't know.
It was odd feeling but not bad one."P, after breakfast find something she can wear for now and show her where the bathtub is." P's mother said.
My cheeks flushed red. I'm sure I looked and smelled amazing.
D snickered and P gave him a shot in the arm for it."What?" D said. "It's ok, I get it." I said smiling at D.
***
For the next few weeks, we settled into a routine. Wake, shower, meals and kitchen clean up.
I saw my name on the roster for chore duty (which made feel like I was contributing) then movie time, playing cards together. At this time I was euphoric, I'd never known a family like this.
People actually loved each other gave each other hugs, kisses good night. Did I suddenly land on another planet? I could actually visit friends without being worried I'd be punished when I returned home.
It was one such night. I'd just turned 17. I had a friend around the corner I went to school with. We sat around chit chatting, giggling about silly things, trying on make up and watching shows. It was fun! Something I didn't get a lot of. I breathed in the early summer sweetness feeling warm air surround me. The black blanket above with its pinprick holes of brilliance winking down upon me. The crisp moon turning everything to silver.
Another interesting feeling came over me I don't usually have...Peace...this gorgeous peace that never once graced my heart did now. I wanted nothing to change. Keep everything just the way it was. I could feel happiness that way.
Rounding the corner I saw the house and steps leading in.
How odd...P's mother's car was gone. There was only a single light burning in the living room plus the flash of the TV. I walked into the house but the house was unusually dark. "That's strange." I thought. I could hear the phone start to ring as I walked in the door. I walked toward the living room to answer the phone just as I did. I looked over and I saw P's father with a bottle on the table and a little glass with two fingers of booze inside.
He looked up at me with a glazed, furious expression just as the receiver touched my ear. "Get a bag put some things in it quickly. He's drinking." P said.
"Get the hell outta there! Don't come back!"
And now?
*****************************
It's hard to know how to feel when finishing something like this.
A childhood of meaningless mayhem.
Ask yourself...
What do you take away from this story?
I've laid my bones bare and given it to you true. Never so vulnerable than now.
You decide what it means to you. Take what does and throw the rest away.
All I asked was to be heard and so I have....
Echoes of silent darkness
Permeating the air
My heart lives there too....
************************************
It was so chilly out this morning, so frosty. The last of the autumn leaves said to hell with this and left the scene, the cold sun said adios!
Every bush, building and field around me is covered in that white hoary jacket. Here, it is either bright and cold, or warm and wet. Usually the latter.
Today is a day I've never experienced before. I feel like there's a bunch of room in my head now for other stuff.
Like old furniture was moved out that once looked intimidating, now looks like trash.
I have decided that conclusions are not endings. It's just a stop over or an interlude for the next scenes.
I think every one of us envisions a nice home with a beautiful yard and dog, maybe a place to fish and camp with happy kids and a partner who loves you. I was no different.
I do have beautiful sons and a dog. I sometimes get to fly fish too.
But today that odd sensation seems to be perpetuating itself.
Like chucking all the files that are 7 years and older. As any office would.
But the gang plank in my brain was set down on a wharf designed to receive bullshit. A whole bunch of it came marching out.
Again, I feel this desire to be absolutely transparent as I have throughout this whole journey. But even more so now in this last piece.
I'll give my thoughts, my heart and head at the time as I knew it to be....
The vast network of Jungle vines, that was my mind and tangled within sit's the nugget of the girl I was born to be.
The last part of myself I gave to no one and still do not...probably never will.
I'll see you on the other side....
*****************************
Curtains sliced the sun to a single ray traveling across my eyelids. Feeling warm and comfortable, I stretched with only a few aches and pains while allowing my eyes to open.
"Hmm.' I thought. "This is not familiar." Then it all came rushing back.
"Wow, you slept a long time!" P exclaimed. "No easy feat on that couch!"
"How long?" I croaked.
"Since yesterday around noon." She said. "You must be hungry. Moms got breakfast. Cmon."
In fact I was ravenous and incredibly thirsty. I could smell bacon coming from the kitchen. I loved bacon.
Entering the kitchen a little shyly. I looked around and saw P's mother at the stove. She smiled at me.
"Sit down." she said. "How many eggs? She asked.
"Sorry? Oh eggs. Yes please, two. Thank you." I responded quietly.
A stack of toast a jug of juice peanut butter and jam appeared before me.
"Go ahead and have some toast and juice. Bacon and eggs coming up!"
Before she could finish the sentence, I had already gobbled up one piece.
I couldn't swallow it fast enough. A glass of juice quickly followed. P's younger brother D and sister S came to the table followed by their Dad, all with hungry expressions.
"Pass the toast Buck Wheat." Father said to his son.
D scrunched up his nose, gave an annoyed expression and passed the toast.
"What about you Rastus? Gonna share that juice?" Offering me a wink as he did so. I passed him the juice.
P's mother started serving eggs out of the pan and placed a bowl of bacon on the table.
I watched the dynamics within my friend's family while I inhaled food. Smiled while they chatted back and forth. D chucked a piece of toast at S. S screeched and sent it back."
Did families actually do this? Not freak out about table manners or a chore that's not done? Laugh with one another?
I didn't know.
It was odd feeling but not bad one."P, after breakfast find something she can wear for now and show her where the bathtub is." P's mother said.
My cheeks flushed red. I'm sure I looked and smelled amazing.
D snickered and P gave him a shot in the arm for it."What?" D said. "It's ok, I get it." I said smiling at D.
***
For the next few weeks, we settled into a routine. Wake, shower, meals and kitchen clean up.
I saw my name on the roster for chore duty (which made feel like I was contributing) then movie time, playing cards together. At this time I was euphoric, I'd never known a family like this.
People actually loved each other gave each other hugs, kisses good night. Did I suddenly land on another planet? I could actually visit friends without being worried I'd be punished when I returned home.
It was one such night. I'd just turned 17. I had a friend around the corner I went to school with. We sat around chit chatting, giggling about silly things, trying on make up and watching shows. It was fun! Something I didn't get a lot of. I breathed in the early summer sweetness feeling warm air surround me. The black blanket above with its pinprick holes of brilliance winking down upon me. The crisp moon turning everything to silver.
Another interesting feeling came over me I don't usually have...Peace...this gorgeous peace that never once graced my heart did now. I wanted nothing to change. Keep everything just the way it was. I could feel happiness that way.
Rounding the corner I saw the house and steps leading in.
How odd...P's mother's car was gone. There was only a single light burning in the living room plus the flash of the TV. I walked into the house but the house was unusually dark. "That's strange." I thought. I could hear the phone start to ring as I walked in the door. I walked toward the living room to answer the phone just as I did. I looked over and I saw P's father with a bottle on the table and a little glass with two fingers of booze inside.
He looked up at me with a glazed, furious expression just as the receiver touched my ear. "Get a bag put some things in it quickly. He's drinking." P said.
"Get the hell outta there! Don't come back!"
And now?
*****************************
It's hard to know how to feel when finishing something like this.
A childhood of meaningless mayhem.
Ask yourself...
What do you take away from this story?
I've laid my bones bare and given it to you true. Never so vulnerable than now.
You decide what it means to you. Take what does and throw the rest away.
All I asked was to be heard and so I have....
This story is part of an auto bio Called ghost it can be found in my portfolio for those who wish to read. Some chapters are hard to digest reader's discretion is advised.
****Watch our for book 2****
*******SPECTRE********
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