| Biographical Non-Fiction posted October 26, 2023 | Chapters: |
...34 35 -36- 37... 
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The meeting of two minds...
A chapter in the book Ghost
Revelation
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for violence.
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
Here we are in the deep mire where truth resides. I've pushed, sloshed and scraped my way to it. Stand in defiance against those who try to stop it...truth always comes out.
My family holds the language of secrets, the art of deflection. They are the wool pulled over your eyes designed to fool.
The masters of manipulation disguised as charm.
People lie for two reasons. one, to protect themselves. Two, to protect someone else.
My mother texted me yesterday evening. She asked how my book was going. She had acquired a copy through another family member (it's not hidden).
Those first few pages of writing held terror for me. I've poured my heart out on these pages. I carried the old pain for all of us for so long by having to sift through words, by the dredging up of old betrayals.
She said to me only one thing...
"You made me look bad."
That's it...that's all. Love you too...
****************************
"So tell me what happened? I asked my sister. I mean I had to leave...I had to...you know I had to. I'm sorry." I said.
"I know." She said looking down at her fingers. "I just don't like to talk about it."
"We have to if only to keep going and not give up. Tell me what happened after I was gone. Please. I tried to find out. My friend called and asked for me and then asked for you. Dad said that neither of us lived there anymore. My other friend called to do the same thing and he said the line was disconnected."
She looked at me, visibly shaking, a face bunched up with tension, trying to hide the true face of fear.
SISTERS STORY'
"After you left, I tried to be a good girl so he wouldn't have a reason to hit me. It didn't matter, he was always mad about something. Many times he wouldn't let me eat. It was such a long way to school with no food, even longer. I was always hungry. He didn't like anything I did. Always punishing me. I can't remember all the things he said I did wrong, except one. There were some cold cuts in the crisper. I was so hungry, I ate some of it. He was mad. He pushed me around the kitchen and then kicked me hard in the stomach. I was crying quietly because I couldn't catch my breath enough for anything else. He told me to stop crying or he was gonna give me something to cry about. There was no eating allowed since he figured I'd eaten enough. Sometimes, for days at a time, I went without food. Every day I walked to school and back again often without lunch, and loosing a lot of weight quickly. One morning I couldn't get up. There was no strength to stand. Dad tried to make me but I couldn't stand.
I heard Mom on the phone talking about going to the hospital, maybe intervenous feeding.
It was quiet for a minute then the rattling sound of the mouthpiece being dropped into the phones cradle.
Footsteps.
Then I heard her say to Dad that she was taking me to Oma's house. It took me a couple of days to feel ok so here we are, both of us."
What she didn't notice while telling her tale was my hands began to clench. Knuckles bled white.
Crescent moons on bleeding palms. Legs shaking just dying to spring. The white purple and pink swatches on my face were indicative of extreme rage.
I exploded "FUCK!! I wanna beat the shit outta him!! I hate him!!"
"What is going on down there!?" Oma yelled.
"Sorry Oma, we'll keep it down," I answered.
My sister expressed a wide-eyed look at my outburst and asked, "What's going to happen to us?"
"I'm not sure yet, I'm not sure about a bunch of things right now, I'm not sure how Oma is involved. I'm wondering about that. I mean, why wouldn't they just take you to a hospital? Why did they bring you here instead? You look like you're sick and need a doctor."
"I did see a doctor," she said. He gave me a prescription of vitamins and told me to take them for a while." Then a little thunder showed in her eyes and across her brow.
"What's up?" I asked.
"He did a weird exam, it's just that it was uncomfortable and it was inside. I didn't like it at all, I don't want it again." She said.
"That doctor did the same thing to me too. I heard him talking to Oma. She wants to know if we're virgins. "
"Oh wow really? " My sisters eyes like moons.
"You girls! Supper!" Oma called out.
"Coming!" I said.
Something was wrong, Something was very wrong.
The loose ends just don't connect. There's a step missing somewhere but I don't know what it is. Is it dangerous? What am I not seeing? That feeling of foreboding hanging onto me since the conversation with my sister.
Rage was still sailing my ship so I had to calm myself before going out there for dinner.
It was question-answer time.
It was time to fill in the blanks.
It was time for all things to be in the sun...
*****************************
That was the day when the doors opened. That was the day when I realized the 14-year-old girl who went in the bush was not the 15-year-old girl who came out.
But neither am I the 15-year-old girl and so the progression continues whether we like it or not...but every once in a while, we must reach...back
Here we are in the deep mire where truth resides. I've pushed, sloshed and scraped my way to it. Stand in defiance against those who try to stop it...truth always comes out.
My family holds the language of secrets, the art of deflection. They are the wool pulled over your eyes designed to fool.
The masters of manipulation disguised as charm.
People lie for two reasons. one, to protect themselves. Two, to protect someone else.
My mother texted me yesterday evening. She asked how my book was going. She had acquired a copy through another family member (it's not hidden).
Those first few pages of writing held terror for me. I've poured my heart out on these pages. I carried the old pain for all of us for so long by having to sift through words, by the dredging up of old betrayals.
She said to me only one thing...
"You made me look bad."
That's it...that's all. Love you too...
****************************
"So tell me what happened? I asked my sister. I mean I had to leave...I had to...you know I had to. I'm sorry." I said.
"I know." She said looking down at her fingers. "I just don't like to talk about it."
"We have to if only to keep going and not give up. Tell me what happened after I was gone. Please. I tried to find out. My friend called and asked for me and then asked for you. Dad said that neither of us lived there anymore. My other friend called to do the same thing and he said the line was disconnected."
She looked at me, visibly shaking, a face bunched up with tension, trying to hide the true face of fear.
SISTERS STORY'
"After you left, I tried to be a good girl so he wouldn't have a reason to hit me. It didn't matter, he was always mad about something. Many times he wouldn't let me eat. It was such a long way to school with no food, even longer. I was always hungry. He didn't like anything I did. Always punishing me. I can't remember all the things he said I did wrong, except one. There were some cold cuts in the crisper. I was so hungry, I ate some of it. He was mad. He pushed me around the kitchen and then kicked me hard in the stomach. I was crying quietly because I couldn't catch my breath enough for anything else. He told me to stop crying or he was gonna give me something to cry about. There was no eating allowed since he figured I'd eaten enough. Sometimes, for days at a time, I went without food. Every day I walked to school and back again often without lunch, and loosing a lot of weight quickly. One morning I couldn't get up. There was no strength to stand. Dad tried to make me but I couldn't stand.
I heard Mom on the phone talking about going to the hospital, maybe intervenous feeding.
It was quiet for a minute then the rattling sound of the mouthpiece being dropped into the phones cradle.
Footsteps.
Then I heard her say to Dad that she was taking me to Oma's house. It took me a couple of days to feel ok so here we are, both of us."
What she didn't notice while telling her tale was my hands began to clench. Knuckles bled white.
Crescent moons on bleeding palms. Legs shaking just dying to spring. The white purple and pink swatches on my face were indicative of extreme rage.
I exploded "FUCK!! I wanna beat the shit outta him!! I hate him!!"
"What is going on down there!?" Oma yelled.
"Sorry Oma, we'll keep it down," I answered.
My sister expressed a wide-eyed look at my outburst and asked, "What's going to happen to us?"
"I'm not sure yet, I'm not sure about a bunch of things right now, I'm not sure how Oma is involved. I'm wondering about that. I mean, why wouldn't they just take you to a hospital? Why did they bring you here instead? You look like you're sick and need a doctor."
"I did see a doctor," she said. He gave me a prescription of vitamins and told me to take them for a while." Then a little thunder showed in her eyes and across her brow.
"What's up?" I asked.
"He did a weird exam, it's just that it was uncomfortable and it was inside. I didn't like it at all, I don't want it again." She said.
"That doctor did the same thing to me too. I heard him talking to Oma. She wants to know if we're virgins. "
"Oh wow really? " My sisters eyes like moons.
"You girls! Supper!" Oma called out.
"Coming!" I said.
Something was wrong, Something was very wrong.
The loose ends just don't connect. There's a step missing somewhere but I don't know what it is. Is it dangerous? What am I not seeing? That feeling of foreboding hanging onto me since the conversation with my sister.
Rage was still sailing my ship so I had to calm myself before going out there for dinner.
It was question-answer time.
It was time to fill in the blanks.
It was time for all things to be in the sun...
*****************************
That was the day when the doors opened. That was the day when I realized the 14-year-old girl who went in the bush was not the 15-year-old girl who came out.
But neither am I the 15-year-old girl and so the progression continues whether we like it or not...but every once in a while, we must reach...back
This story is part of an ongoing auto bio called "Ghost". You can find this and other chapters in my portfolio under the book name, feel free to read anytime you wish. I should say a word of caution that is, some chapters are difficult to read. I would say that reader discretion is advised!
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