"What's going on? Where's my sister? Where's mom? My stepdad, what's up with him? Who is dead who is alive? How am I gonna find out? What am I supposed to do? Who can I call?" Dangerous and needed...bad combination.

The whole family is convinced I'm this person that I know I'm not.  How do I fight that?

I could bang my head on the wall and get more information rather than try to ask them.

My mind was spinning as if I had one foot nailed to the floor! Looping around on a very fast carousel.

Panic was creeping up to my back door and was insisting on entry. It was getting difficult to keep the door locked.

I was very close to losing that battle and I knew it.

So I attempted to distract myself by picking up the two bags my friends gave me. I started to look through the first bag and saw a book."Huh...wasn't sure if he'd bring me one."I thought.

I pulled it out of the bag and took a look at it and on the cover, it said, "The Tides of Rapture".

"Oh man, it's some dumbass romance novel. Gag me!"

He did, however, leave a small can opener at the bottom of the bag along with some canned soup and stew, and a couple of bananas which looked worse for wear. Some juice. Thank god there was no Alpha Ghetti in there!

Turning to the second bag. I found a couple of chocolate bars, Mars Bars no less! If you wanna get into my good books, get me a Mars Bar! Some instant oatmeal, eggs bread and a little bit of margarine this time! I looked at the bounty my had friends brought me.

My eyes filled with tears of gratitude that my friends could be so selfless.

This was one of two examples of this selflessness for many, many years to come.

I couldn't ignore the obvious signs around me anymore. Although the bags of supplies distracted me for a few minutes, my mind turned back to the serious problems at hand.

Because there will be more walking stick ladies with their chubby sons. More bush parties too.

I was starting to feel my energy drain quicker than it did before.

Sometimes I felt shaky. I knew I was losing weight by the size of my pants or rather the size of my waist.

My clothes, pants, in particular, were going to wear out. Soon there would be nothing. My l runners too were about to disintegrate.

I dreaded the idea of having to steal the things I needed. Eventually, I was going to get caught and that would be disastrous.

The days were still warm enough but the nights were getting cooler. Now the more immediate issue was to find out what was going on! The not knowing was driving me nuts!

I also knew I had to make a decision sooner rather than later but, I was struggling with options.

I could feel panic returning with a splash of desperation thrown in for good measure and could not stop my panicked thoughts. My mind went there again. 

"Who could I call? Where could I go? Where is everyone?"

Standing up I began to pace around the campsite trying to rid myself of panic and the urge for immediate flight so I ran through a list of relatives in my head and wondered. "Which one could I talk to, if any? Which one would believe me?" 

My experience told me none of them would.

I continued to pace back and forth as if that act alone could cure what ailed me.

What I didn't know at the time was that my decisions would soon be taken away.

Soon slim choices became no choices...

So there I go...quietly tripping into the dark...

but I've been here before...