| Writing Non-Fiction posted February 22, 2023 |
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***Trigger warning - this is about eating disorders***
Will I?
by Carlie Beth
Will I ever stop?
Will I ever stop lying?
Will I ever stop lying to everyone and myself?
Will I ever tell anyone about how my 6th grade math teacher taught us about fasting? How she would give us dry bread and taught us to imagine the taste of butter? The only math she taught us was how to count calories.
Will I ever tell anyone about how my 7th and 8th grade PE teachers drilled in our heads the dangers of fat? Obesity is a problem in America and they were determined to make sure we knew. Will I ever tell anyone how scared I was? That's why I ran as fast as I could, not good enough but I didn't gain any weight. They checked. I passed the class.
Will I ever tell anyone about how my first boyfriend in 9th grade made it clear he does not date fat girls? Weighing me everyday was a norm. I can still feel his hands and fingers on my stomach. Checking.
Will I ever tell anyone about the diet pills I hid in my closet when I was 17? My friend found them. She didn't say anything to me, just put the bottle back. She didn't tell anyone, why should I say anything? I'm doing the right thing.
Will I ever tell anyone how I wanted to do ballet when I was 19? I was told you can't be a fat ballerina though.
Will I ever tell anyone? I'm 24 now. None of that matters. It's my fault now. It's all my fault that I don't get my period and fainting is a normal thing that happens to me. Doctor said it's my fault my BMI is dangerously low. Low vitamins throughout the alphabet.
Will I ever tell? But how am I wrong? How? I did everything I was told since I was 10.
Will I ever stop lying? I tried once. I was told it's a stupid problem to have. Not a real problem. Just eat.
But will I?
Pose a Question contest entry
Will I ever stop?
Will I ever stop lying?
Will I ever stop lying to everyone and myself?
Will I ever tell anyone about how my 6th grade math teacher taught us about fasting? How she would give us dry bread and taught us to imagine the taste of butter? The only math she taught us was how to count calories.
Will I ever tell anyone about how my 7th and 8th grade PE teachers drilled in our heads the dangers of fat? Obesity is a problem in America and they were determined to make sure we knew. Will I ever tell anyone how scared I was? That's why I ran as fast as I could, not good enough but I didn't gain any weight. They checked. I passed the class.
Will I ever tell anyone about how my first boyfriend in 9th grade made it clear he does not date fat girls? Weighing me everyday was a norm. I can still feel his hands and fingers on my stomach. Checking.
Will I ever tell anyone about the diet pills I hid in my closet when I was 17? My friend found them. She didn't say anything to me, just put the bottle back. She didn't tell anyone, why should I say anything? I'm doing the right thing.
Will I ever tell anyone how I wanted to do ballet when I was 19? I was told you can't be a fat ballerina though.
Will I ever tell anyone? I'm 24 now. None of that matters. It's my fault now. It's all my fault that I don't get my period and fainting is a normal thing that happens to me. Doctor said it's my fault my BMI is dangerously low. Low vitamins throughout the alphabet.
Will I ever tell? But how am I wrong? How? I did everything I was told since I was 10.
Will I ever stop lying? I tried once. I was told it's a stupid problem to have. Not a real problem. Just eat.
But will I?
Will I ever stop lying?
Will I ever stop lying to everyone and myself?
Will I ever tell anyone about how my 6th grade math teacher taught us about fasting? How she would give us dry bread and taught us to imagine the taste of butter? The only math she taught us was how to count calories.
Will I ever tell anyone about how my 7th and 8th grade PE teachers drilled in our heads the dangers of fat? Obesity is a problem in America and they were determined to make sure we knew. Will I ever tell anyone how scared I was? That's why I ran as fast as I could, not good enough but I didn't gain any weight. They checked. I passed the class.
Will I ever tell anyone about how my first boyfriend in 9th grade made it clear he does not date fat girls? Weighing me everyday was a norm. I can still feel his hands and fingers on my stomach. Checking.
Will I ever tell anyone about the diet pills I hid in my closet when I was 17? My friend found them. She didn't say anything to me, just put the bottle back. She didn't tell anyone, why should I say anything? I'm doing the right thing.
Will I ever tell anyone how I wanted to do ballet when I was 19? I was told you can't be a fat ballerina though.
Will I ever tell anyone? I'm 24 now. None of that matters. It's my fault now. It's all my fault that I don't get my period and fainting is a normal thing that happens to me. Doctor said it's my fault my BMI is dangerously low. Low vitamins throughout the alphabet.
Will I ever tell? But how am I wrong? How? I did everything I was told since I was 10.
Will I ever stop lying? I tried once. I was told it's a stupid problem to have. Not a real problem. Just eat.
But will I?
 Recognized |
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This is unfortunately true, anorexia is something I have struggled with since I was ten. I am a lot better now, I have been in therapy for quite some time. This is a real world problem for women and men that I think needs to be addressed more. If any of you need help do not hesitate to reach out to me. I love you all, be kind to yourself.
https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com
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and 2 member cents. https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com
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