| General Fiction posted January 18, 2023 | Chapters: |
...38 39 -40- 41... 
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a short story
A chapter in the book Random Rhyme and Petty Prose
Chainsaw Chase
by Bill Schott
The author has placed a warning on this post for violence.
Gladys wiped sweat from her face as she pulled the golf bag and wheeled frame along the rough pathway through the wooded area. She had "borrowed" the cart from her neighbor, and inserted the chainsaw.
Upon reaching the opening and the first hole tee-off area, she saw Agnus, a chainsaw hanging from her shoulder like an acoustic guitar, standing next to 3 x 9 foot banner that read:
CHAINSAW CHASE !!!
Paul Buntan Putt Putt
Begins at 6 a.m.
Ends when the last player stands on the second hole.
On the other side of the banner stood Claudia, the former "bearded man" and now one-armed wallpaperist. His chainsaw was held with duct tape to a two-wheeled cart, which was secured to his waist by a length of clothesline rope.
Five other people had arrived and were selecting available chainsaws from a pile on the ground next to the pencil and pad booth.
There was Insane Dwayne, a traveling one-hand nurse; Rocket Nostril, public detective and long-order cook; Charlotte Tuna, the fishmonger's wife; Love Boat, the professional rowboat escort, and The Man Who Shall Not Be Named.
At six o'clock, all who showed up were numbered and given directions by the grounds keeper of the Paul Bunyan Putt Putt.
It would be Claudia to first jog off for the second postion with the intention of felling the potted sapling placed over the hole. He would be followed by Dwayne, ten seconds later, who would attempt to catch him, eliminate him, and continue on to cut down the small tree. Rocket Nostril, Charlotte, Love Boat, Gladys, The Man Who Shall Not Be Named, and Agnus would follow in turn.
A whistle blew and the participants trotted off every ten seconds until all had left and were enroute to the Clown Face second hole.
Claudia had been running with her chainsaw in her hand, continuing to rev the motor in anticipation of another runner trying to pass her. As Dwayne neared her, he dodged to his left and allowed Rocket Nostril to pass him. Looking back and laughing, Rocket Nostril didn't see Claudia's chainsaw blade swinging around. His head flew off like a cork leaving a bottle of champagne. Claudia's joy was short-lived, as Charlotte Tuna struck her between her neck and shoulder, chain finding purchase, and continuing a downward bisection of the split competitor.
Charlotte then spun around in anticipation of an attacker. She was met by both Love Boat and Gladys, who had decided to double-team the fishmonger's widow. Two blades passed through Charlotte's midsection, leaving her to fall in halves.
The ad hoc teaming quickly ended as both Love Boat and Gladys crossed chainsaw blades.
Passing them, Agnus high-stepped like a football player running for a touchdown, and performed a downward diagonal slash across Dwayne's chest. Spiraling around, Dwayne swung his chainsaw into the woman's ankles, separating her feet from her legs.
Love Boat and Agnus both received calls on their devices. Checking with each other, they dropped their chainsaws and simply sped off in different directions.
As all others lay injured or dead, The Man Who Shall Not Be Named strolled up to the potted tree on the second hole sitting in front of the huge clown head. He had never grabbed a chainsaw.
Choosing to spare the sapling, The Man Who Shall Not Be Named took it with him.
Once in the parking lot, he got into The Car That Will Not Be Named and headed out to the access road. He waited for a city bus to pass which had an advertisement on the side which read:
HOT POTATO HAND GRENADES!!
Gladys wiped sweat from her face as she pulled the golf bag and wheeled frame along the rough pathway through the wooded area. She had "borrowed" the cart from her neighbor, and inserted the chainsaw.
Upon reaching the opening and the first hole tee-off area, she saw Agnus, a chainsaw hanging from her shoulder like an acoustic guitar, standing next to 3 x 9 foot banner that read:
CHAINSAW CHASE !!!
Paul Buntan Putt Putt
Begins at 6 a.m.
Ends when the last player stands on the second hole.
Paul Buntan Putt Putt
Begins at 6 a.m.
Ends when the last player stands on the second hole.
On the other side of the banner stood Claudia, the former "bearded man" and now one-armed wallpaperist. His chainsaw was held with duct tape to a two-wheeled cart, which was secured to his waist by a length of clothesline rope.
Five other people had arrived and were selecting available chainsaws from a pile on the ground next to the pencil and pad booth.
There was Insane Dwayne, a traveling one-hand nurse; Rocket Nostril, public detective and long-order cook; Charlotte Tuna, the fishmonger's wife; Love Boat, the professional rowboat escort, and The Man Who Shall Not Be Named.
At six o'clock, all who showed up were numbered and given directions by the grounds keeper of the Paul Bunyan Putt Putt.
It would be Claudia to first jog off for the second postion with the intention of felling the potted sapling placed over the hole. He would be followed by Dwayne, ten seconds later, who would attempt to catch him, eliminate him, and continue on to cut down the small tree. Rocket Nostril, Charlotte, Love Boat, Gladys, The Man Who Shall Not Be Named, and Agnus would follow in turn.
A whistle blew and the participants trotted off every ten seconds until all had left and were enroute to the Clown Face second hole.
Claudia had been running with her chainsaw in her hand, continuing to rev the motor in anticipation of another runner trying to pass her. As Dwayne neared her, he dodged to his left and allowed Rocket Nostril to pass him. Looking back and laughing, Rocket Nostril didn't see Claudia's chainsaw blade swinging around. His head flew off like a cork leaving a bottle of champagne. Claudia's joy was short-lived, as Charlotte Tuna struck her between her neck and shoulder, chain finding purchase, and continuing a downward bisection of the split competitor.
Charlotte then spun around in anticipation of an attacker. She was met by both Love Boat and Gladys, who had decided to double-team the fishmonger's widow. Two blades passed through Charlotte's midsection, leaving her to fall in halves.
The ad hoc teaming quickly ended as both Love Boat and Gladys crossed chainsaw blades.
Passing them, Agnus high-stepped like a football player running for a touchdown, and performed a downward diagonal slash across Dwayne's chest. Spiraling around, Dwayne swung his chainsaw into the woman's ankles, separating her feet from her legs.
Love Boat and Agnus both received calls on their devices. Checking with each other, they dropped their chainsaws and simply sped off in different directions.
As all others lay injured or dead, The Man Who Shall Not Be Named strolled up to the potted tree on the second hole sitting in front of the huge clown head. He had never grabbed a chainsaw.
Choosing to spare the sapling, The Man Who Shall Not Be Named took it with him.
Once in the parking lot, he got into The Car That Will Not Be Named and headed out to the access road. He waited for a city bus to pass which had an advertisement on the side which read:
HOT POTATO HAND GRENADES!!
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