"The Dilemma Within Me"
Written on November 23rd, 2022
By Doctor Ricky1024
Copyright ©� Fanstory
'All Rights Reserved'

di.lem.ma: "a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two or more alternatives, especially equally undesirable ones"
...
Note: This day would start like the previous, extremely haunting in extreme ways.
...
She unfortunately, was not okay.
And, I sensed the changes.
After almost twenty years of marriage.
You can tell when the dishes are rearranging.
...
Not just in that horrid mask that she adorned.
Yes, now always worn as if darkness replaced wedded bliss.
Nor her manner that I had now forelorned.
...
The no longer smile or change of voice this "Last Kiss Goodbye"
Yes, in the morning hours I sensed and dispensed this thought...
'Honey let's go to Pathmart and check your pressure on the machine?'
...
The No longer smile?
Now my choice.
65 over 45.
Unfortunately, deadly and hardly alive?
This is insane!
I thought on the short drive back home.
...
'Honey, I think we need to go to the hospital?'
Now a reaction of most negativity.
As she was now starting to run a fever when checked.
Unchecked ?
Checkmate the King lost his Queen?
...
'No, I'll be alright.'
'Just cool me down with cool wash clothes.'...
'GOD!'
'WHY WAS I SO STUPID TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS DEADLY SCHEME?!'
...
The minutes turned into the hours and the hours melted the hands of time.
Yes, and it was now 1:00 a.m. in the morning.
Yes, we've been sitting on the couch for so long and finally?
Saturday Night Live was over.
...
'Honey I'm really tired I have to go to sleep.'
'And, I have work in the morning.'
'Would you like me to help you go to the bathroom?'
I questioned.
But she refused stating that she was fine.
So, I then held up my hand asking her how many fingers could she see?
And, three times she answered correctly.
So, it was off to "Dreamland?"
Three hours later...
...
4:00 in the morning.
She had made an attempt to go from the bathroom in the bedroom to the bed and collapsed.
Taking in a death breath!
(Which was something I had never experienced and never wished to ever again experienced the rest of my life!)
...
I did not touch my wife.
Instead I immediately called 9-11.
Yes for assistance and then I assisted her.
And, somehow revived her from the first heart attack.
...
I,still remember the Eerie presence of coldness throughout my house.
Yes, and even though I had two kerosene heaters burning.
Burning way back then as the police officer arrived and came into my nightmare.
And then the paramedics.
Eagerly attending to my now seemingly perfectly fine wife?
Yes, who still did not wish to go to the damn hospital!
...
And, it was now starting to become daylight when they took her away.
So, I decided to called my daughter Kyle and explain what happened.
(since she lived close to me and the hospital)
To go over there and wait.
...
The next twenty minutes.
I spent getting dressed and Gathering the clothes to take Carolyn home in but why God?
What's the use?
There would be no more?
No more excuse!
...
They would all be for naught because when I got to the emergency room.
Yes, my daughter Kyle Erin was standing there crying.
And, all she could say?
'It's Mommy!'
'It's Mommy!'
'It's Mommy she's dead.'
...
Carolyn Ann Richmond Harbach Smrkovsky died on November 23rd, 2003.
Unfortunately, less than Eight months after the death of our only son Jason.
...
Later it was determined to be a blood clot from the leg to the Heart. That caused the second Heart attack.
D.V.T.
(deep vernacular thrombosis)
Yes, due to the lack of medications that she had stopped.
Purposely stopped taking three months earlier.
...
And, if you know somebody who is feeling suicidal and extremely depressed?
Then please immediately call the National Suicide Hotline at 988 or dial 9-11 before it's too late.
...
"The Dilemma Within Me"
(A True Life Story and Dedication)
Carolyn Ann Richmond Harbach Smrkovsky.
December 6th, 1952~
November 23rd, 2022
...
I am home in Heaven, dear ones.
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect Joy and beauty in this Everlasting Light.
...
"All the pain and all the grief is over, Every restless tossing past.
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last."

Rest now my Love.