A knock on my door took my attention from my homework.

"Yeah?" I said to the unknown brother outside my room.

"There's someone at the door for you, Daniel."

"Who is it?" I asked, irritated at the interruption.

"I don't know, but she seems upset."

Footsteps started to walk away from my door as I jumped up in panic. I put on my shoes as quickly as I could and hit the stairs running towards the front door of my frat house. Could it be her? I had only had someone at the door for me twice in the last 3 years. Both times, it was the campus Rabbi who'd been unable to get me on the house phone and who'd been sent by my relentless mother to check on me. Both times, I had failed to call her that day when I'd gotten in from class. She'd convinced herself that some terrible fate had befallen me and promptly called the Jewish Student Center.

Most guys called their parents once a week and that was just to ask for money. The two house phone lines were in the kitchen and were never answered. Their ringers were violently and permanently detached by a hungover brother a long time ago. I usually called her from the student center each day because there were chairs you could sit in while you talked and background noise was usually rated PG, very much unlike the noise at the house. But, this day, I'd called Mother already, so it had to be Meddie...my heart was beating out of my chest.

I took a breath and opened the door. Mascara caked around her eyes and black tears flowing, Meddie whispered, "I'm pregnant, Daniel." behind her cupped hand attempting to conceal the conversation from any potential witnesses.

I pulled her in the door of the house and ushered her up to my room. We only passed a couple of my brothers on the way. The looks on their faces let me know we would be the topic of much speculation within the hour. For one thing, I never had visitors. For another, the night I met Meddie was the only time any of my brother's had seen me with a girl, let alone one as beautiful as this one and, of course, because she was obviously upset.

Fortunately, my roommate of the last 2 years dated a girl who lived off campus and he stayed with her most of the time. I shut my door behind me and leaned my back against it as if I were keeping the words Meddie had said from coming in the room with us. "Are you sure?" was met with a nod from her and she offered a wrinkled clinic report stating she was six weeks pregnant. I just couldn't think of what to say to her.


Her hair was put up in a mass of black locks too big for her frame and her face was wrecked. I hadn't seen her since our last party which was when I met her... and subsequently made a baby with her. Not that I hadn't wanted to see her - I just didn't know where to look. If she gave me details about her life that night that would've clued me in on how to find her, I didn't remember them. I didn't remember much actually. Except for her dancing and the time we spent in the kitchen. I remember every bit of those two things.

It was our annual Toga Party when we met. Just one of a series of excuses to have a party and get drunk. I was bored and drinking heavily while wearing my Spartan costume when I saw several of my brothers fixated at a point on the dance floor. I stepped around them to get a better look and then joined them in their focus.

There she was. She wore a toga, sure. She was a Goddess among paupers, though. Her white pillar robe draped from a large golden medallion over one shoulder and the other bare. It hung down so low, I could see a hint of side boob. The slit in the dress revealed long shapely legs encased in lace up sandals. Her hair was up except for some curly dark tendrils hanging down and had little bits of gold spray and tiny white flowers all in it. She took my breath and I imagine I resembled one of those cobras swaying side to side under the control of a flute playing snake charmer.

She moved on the floor like she wasn't even touching it. Others who were dancing, stopped and backed away to give her more of the floor with slack-jawed sluggish movements. There were some classical dance moves thrown in with self-styled gyrations and it was purely magical. The ebb and flow of time was also entranced by this living, breathing work of art. In the background I vaguely remember the band covering "Wonderwall" by Oasis as she danced alone.



Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
And by now, you should've somehow realised what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day, but they'll never throw it back to you
And by now, you should've somehow realised what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe (I said maybe)
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe (I said maybe)
You're gonna be the one that saves me (saves me)
You're gonna be the one that saves me (saves me)
You're gonna be the one that saves me (saves me)
Oasis, Wonderwall 1994




Her toga would swing in the direction she was spinning and then when she'd abruptly change her lead, it would go the opposite direction and wrap around her curvy body. The skirt of the toga flattening out against her long gorgeous legs and then flowing back outward trying to catch up with her hypnotic movement.

I was mesmerized. I imagine this is how Salome danced before her step-father/uncle Herod Antipas, which earned her and her Mother, Herodias, the head of John the Baptist on a platter. I had loosely dated a few girls before, but never one of this incredible beauty. And, never had I felt the stirring within that I felt at that moment.

"I give it all. For her." The words came from a place I have never been and flowed breathlessly out of my mouth as the last few notes ended and she came to a stop, looking up to see who was watching. The answer was everyone. Anyone who'd caught a glimpse had stopped talking or moving and fixed all their attention on her, including me.

The boys were now all full of lust and testosterone and the girls split between lust and vicious jealousy.
Again, in retrospect I'm reminded of Herod Antipas wrecklessly telling Salome he'd give her anything she wanted, even half his kingdom for her seductive dance; never suspecting she'd ask him to have someone murdered.

Several guys got their feet moving toward her, but she locked eyes to me and started to approach me while passing the other guys, who shuffled their feet in another direction when they were snubbed by her. As she reached me, she asked for a drink of water. I grabbed her hand and led her to the kitchen and away from the masses who may try to take what was mine.


Once safely in the swinging doors, I backed her against the wall kissing her neck, her lips, and everything else I could get to with my hands wandering everywhere else. This was not my style at all. I was like an animal with her. No, at that moment, I was a God and this was my Goddess. I absolutely drank her in, this thing of beauty in front of me. Taking her for myself.

It seemed there was a struggle against another claim to her that I crushed beneath my feet.
My lust was my kingdom. She was a willing partner and returned my advances. I vaguely recall her saying something about that I was freeing her... I never did figure that part out. Actually, it seems there was a whole string of conversation that I could only recall bits and pieces of afterwards and none of which made any sense. I'm not even really sure when I learned her name.

I awoke the next morning in my room, head pounding, reeking of sweat and beer. I replayed the night in my head which stopped with the porn-worthy performance in the kitchen. Nothing more after that. I began to believe it was just a crazy dream until I saw a little bit of the gold spray from her hair on my pillow. I smelled her scent on me for days even after multiple showers. I became obsessed and her absence became maddening.

I looked around every corner for her over the next few weeks. I asked all of my brothers if they knew her. None did. I looked for my Meddie everywhere. Our parties were invitation only, but her name wasn't on the list, which really wasn't entirely uncommon. At times, I would catch a whiff of her scent again and for hours I would frantically search the area where I caught the scent.

My friends couldn't understand my new behaviors and obsession. 'She was just some beautiful girl who got drunk at a frat party and hung out with you, Daniel," they said. "Let it go, Dude. It didn't mean anything.' Except it did. It meant a lot to me. Every day I looked around as I did my daily routines on campus. It was just a medium sized private school. She had to be somewhere. I reasoned she was a Freshman and even took to doing my homework on a picnic bench near the Freshman dorms, but, still, I couldn't find her.

Until the day she was on the other side of the frat house door.

She was sobbing, sitting Indian style on my floor. I sat down beside her in total and complete shock. She looked over to me finally and said, "This wasn't supposed to happen, Daniel."

"I know."

"No. You don't know. You don't know what we've done. What are we going to do?"

I wasn't even to that forward thinking level of comprehension yet. I was stuck on the fact that I had knocked this girl up. And, then my mother's face entered my thoughts and I could visualize and hear her response to the news and it was unbearable. I'm sure my mother thought of me as a chaste, virginal good little Jew boy and this would destroy that. I inwardly groaned.

Then I thought about sharing the news with my brothers in the frat and how that would go over. This was not something you did. Another guy had knocked his girlfriend up and when his parents pulled the financial plug on him, he'd married her, quit school and went to work to support his new family. He dropped by from time to time to relive his frat boy years and you could see the regret all over his face as he looked down at his dirty hands with their new manual labor calluses.

The last time I saw him, he told me that his wife had left him and moved back in with her parents. And, since he'd started paying out that child support check, he'd been unable to make the rent on their shitty downtown apartment and was facing homelessness. I slid him a hundred out of my hard earned stash of the previous Summer's lawn mowing money and I think a couple of other guys did, too. While you could tell he hated himself for taking it, he still took it, and we haven't seen him since.

Then my mother comes back into view. She's going to cry. Dear God, that woman can wail, too. Ever since my Dad disappeared she has really focused her life around me solely and this is going to devastate her.

"By any chance, are you Jewish?" The words fell out of my mouth and Meddie shook her head in disbelief that I'd asked such a question under these circumstances. Quickly, I grabbed my coat and handed her some paper towels to wipe off her face. "C'mon, let's get out of here." I said.

We walked for hours around campus and downtown. I kept the conversation steered away from anything to do with the problem at hand. We were going to be parents and we didn't even know each other. We talked non-stop and I have to admit I started to feel more for her than just the lust that had pervaded my every thought since meeting her. We talked about sports, her years of ballet, jobs we'd held, our dreams for the future, our parents, and it was actually the best time I'd had in a long time.

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

"Yes, very."

"There's this little hole in the wall diner..."

"On sixth." she interjected.

"I love that place!" we said together and then looked down giggling like well, two people on a first date that is going really well.

The diner looked like Chubby Checker barfed up the entire 1950s to decorate the place. We were shown to a booth and when she sat down, she scooted to the wall. I, who on any other date, would've sat opposite, fell right in beside her. The bleach blond waitress who reaked of cheap cigarettes and was devoid of personality, got our drinks and half smiled/half snarled when we both ordered a club sandwich and fries. As she took our menus and started to walk away I noticed her name tag dubbed her as Juanita, which very much seemed a misnomer. Alice, Betty, or even Jane may have been fitting, but not Juanita.

Meddie apparently noticed it as well suddenly giggled and said, "HUuuuuuaaaaaaaaaa-nnnnneeeeeeeeeeta."

It was so incredibly stupid, but we laughed until our sides hurt.

Then Meddie quit laughing and looked down at the formica table top and
said, "I want to keep it. I want to be the parent my parents weren't."

I nodded my head. "Me, too," and then I added, "And, what about the father? Keeping him, too?" I asked.

That giggle again. "Maybe. But, really, you've got to tone down the dork a bit. We should be, you know... cool parents."

"DORK???" I asked. "What do you mean, Dork?"

"You know. You. Equals. Dork."

"Ok, fair enough. I will try to be less of a dork. But, that being said, you do know I'm the same dork you ravaged at a frat party five minutes after you met me."

"Me??? That was you! I couldn't keep you off of me! You were like an animal."

"Want to stay the night with me and see if we can recreate the scene to see who is right?"

"Well, it's not like I can get more pregnant."

But, oh my God, did I give it everything I had that night.

***
A few months later and my Junior year ended. Meddie was visibly showing now and everybody knew about the baby, but one person - my Mother. The baby was due at the end of Summer and I was running out of time. Meddie and I had decided to get married before the baby was born. I kept postponing it because I knew that if I didn't tell my mother before we got married, it would be even worse than it already was destined to be. Which was bad enough.

We had our first fight when Meddie was helping me pack to go home for the Summer. I didn't live far away; my college having been specifically chosen by myself because it met Mother's scholastic criteria and my criteria of a college just far enough away that I couldn't live at home, but could get there in about an hour.

Meddie lived with her mother in a small apartment complex and she didn't have a car. She'd been in a bad car wreck a couple of years prior and apparently her Dad left about that time. There was an insurance payout from that wreck that Meddie said was over 200k after her medical bills were paid and that her mom had it in a special account for her. Her Mom had told Meddie that she would have to use some of it to float them along since Meddie's dad and his income had splitsville.

Meddie's college dreams went on indefinite hold as her Mother had issues. Or, at least that's the way Meddie phrased it. She'd insisted Meddie had to go to full time work right after graduation. She got a job at a local hair salon and had been taking cosmetology courses on the side.

All I'd seen of Meddie's mother, the few times I'd met her, was her sleeping or staggering around all slack faced from over-medicating. She rode Meddie about everything incessantly, and played computer games and never left the apartment. I saw a picture of her with Meddie that couldn't have been 10 years old and the woman looked gorgeous. But, those 10 years had turned her into a complete bitter hag.

Fortunately for Mother and I, she'd had a good inheritance from my grandparents and we lived very frugally and saved as much as we could. I'd been managing Mother's finances since I was 14 and had turned a little into a little more. My college was paid for and she would be comfortable for the rest of her days due to my work. Typically one would expect that after all these years since my own father took off that she would've re-married, but sadly no. Hell, she was still convinced he was coming back!

Now, I just had to find a way for my soon-to-be family. I could make money. I knew that. I just hadn't planned on such a set of responsibilities to be on me while I was still in college. I'd worked hard through my advisor and my professors to be recommended for and get an internship with a major accounting firm that summer in my hometown.

Of course, internships don't pay, but they give you experience, something shiny on your resume besides a new diploma, and gives you the ability to make professional connections that will serve to get a full time position after college with them or maybe one of their buddies in the Good Ole Boy Club of Accountants.

So, this summer was already planned and was unavoidable. I would be an unpaid intern working the shittiest of accounts and acting as a janitor/coffee maker/bagel getter/target in an accounting firm during the day and would earn money mowing and whatever other work I could find in the evenings. I would come every Sunday to see Meddie.

"I just don't understand why you can't do the same thing here! There are firms here!"

"Yes, Meddie, but I have my Mother's friends that I usually work for during the summer. They will be flexible about when I can work for them. And, the firm back home is a major one and my internship will carry a lot more weight. It's not that I want to go. I have to go. I'm sorry, but it's just for 3 months."

She flopped down on my bed with all the drama of a two year old, "You just are doing this to get away from me. You're going to leave me with this baby to raise all alone. I didn't want this baby and I didn't want you!" she said with venom dripping off every word.

The words stung just as she had intended them to. I'd recently started to feel that Meddie would've chosen someone different for the father of her child if she could. She seemed to hold back the best part of herself and I felt like she kept me at arm's length. I could sense so much going on beneath the surface, but she just wouldn't let me in.

On every front we were both extremists, but this, too, was us operating from opposite ends of the spectrum. I was very lowkey and nondescript. Meddie was a beacon of attention demanding behaviors. She dressed to be noticed, I dressed.... to be dressed for the occasion. Meddie religiously read Cosmopolitan magazine and circled all of the designer things she longed to have. I thought that paying $5 for a magazine full of unnecessarily expensive things you couldn't afford and didn't need was ridiculous. I would take that $5 and roll it up in my socks for a rainy day.

I put down the clothes I was folding and went and sat beside her. I looked at her cat-like, no really, more like reptilian-shaped green eyes as her tears rolled and snot flew. I started to stroke her hair, but she didn't like that at all so I rested my hand on her bare arm.

"Meddie, if you don't love me the way I love you, tell me now. I will help with the baby and be a father the rest of my days, but I don't think it wise for any of us for you to be with me just because of the baby and not because you really love me. Those types of relationships never work out and the kids pay for it. I want to get married one time and one time only. I want 2 kids and to have Easter egg hunts, and go trick or treating, and on camping trips, and vacations and Disney World and...."

"I don't camp unless it's indoors and air conditioned." Meddie said through her tears.

"Like a hotel?" I laughed. "I guess I don't camp either then."

She smiled just a bit through the tears and snot.

"I don't want to do this, Meddie, but I have to do it. We have to think about the long term above the short term. I can make all our dreams come true, but you have to believe in me when it's good and easy as well as when it's hard and not so easy. And, I'll believe in you, ok? If we work together there's nothing we can't do. Hell, one night together and we made a whole other person!"

She outwardly laughed that time as she reached over to turn the radio on and as Radiohead, High and Dry filled the speakers, she got up and started dancing just like the first night I met her.


Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you, boy?
Flying on your motorcycle
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition
Kill yourself to never, ever stop
You broke another mirror
You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation
You will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
When you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you
You will be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry

Oh, it's the best thing that you've ever had
The best thing that you've ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you've ever had
The best thing you have had is gone away

So don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry

Don't Leave Me High, Radiohead 1994


We made love and when we'd exhausted ourselves, she excused herself to her odd nightly 1 hour minimum in the bathroom. She always brought a huge duffle bag just to stay the night. I swear it was so big, Jimmy Hoffa couldve been in there. She wore this weird turban thing on her head to bed, too. She said it was a part of a nightly conditioning treatment for her hair. She was exceedingly sensitive when it came to her hair anyway, so I didn't really question it. She was always trying some new skin cream, hair treatment, nail polish, or make-up. I just knew my girl had some pecularities that were very... peculiar.

When my Ali Baba-looking, pregnant girlfriend finally came back to bed, I had already fallen asleep. That night I dreamed more than I think I have in my whole life. I only remembered snippets after I awoke, but the journey of the night was epic I'm sure. I fought great beasts and Meddie fought with me. We traveled above and beneath the ground. And, the strangest thing of all that was very strange? Death was our guide. Yeah, the stereotypical Death with scythe, and robes and skeletal face.

Isn't that something?