Ah! That business of loyalty. When I think about it, so many questions arise. The very first time I encountered the word, as I recall now, was when few grownups of my extended clan were passionately debating something about being loyal to some countries at war with each other in Europe. Then, as a child of ten, I did not understand the meaning of the word loyalty. I thought it has a meaning that is important only to old folks, and not to children, and they do not use it even when a disagreement or quarrel happened. Then with my limited vocabulary, the word sounded lofty, and I could use it to impress my friends. It remained stuck to my mind like the chewing gum sticks to sole of your shoe. I had to find out what this word meant, because even though I did not understand the meaning, I did feel that it was something very important to those debating adults, or they wouldn't get so worked up about who's loyal to Germany and who is to our Emperor living in England. One group that included my youngest uncle and the other included our neighbor's daughter of same age. My uncle supposed to have a revolutionary mindset, so my mother used to remark to defend him whenever he would speak against the British rule. He had declared his intentions of joining some militia called National Army of India, which was forming in Japan or some other place. I did not think he knew how to get there and of course the young woman he was arguing with, they both had crush on each other. I had seen them doing some silly stuff like holding hands when they were not arguing over that war, we in India, had nothing to do. Her father was a merchant and my dad sometimes used to say that he was exploiting the war and making oodles of money by supplying the stuff needed for the army.
Now coming back to that 'Loyalty' word, I had to do something about it and the
next thing that came to my mind was to ask someone, but then, to whom? Choices were few. I could have asked Ms. Famrose, our English teacher, but then, that would have reached to all student in the school, and I saw no advantage to me.
At home, first available person at that moment was my older brother Mark. He used to be a nice and friendly brother until turned sixteen. That day arrived, and he began acting like a jerk. I wondered if some sort of magic happens on that 16th year of existence day. It makes a kind and considerate persons like Mark, start acting like self-absorbed, uncaring towards little brother person like me. He sure had turned into something different, something which I then could not name. One of Mark's fascinations with his image in the mirror, I found silly. He was spending lot more time eying that thin line of hair growing over his upper lip. He spent time focusing on how to improve the shape of that mustache. I thought he believed a shapely mustache improves chances of getting a date with some girl in his high school (I learned that from overhearing my sister telling her best friend about it).

Reluctantly, I approached him in his room, and as usual, he ignored my presence until I spoke. That turned out to be a very wrong approach; one that comes out your mouth involuntarily when one is not sure of what to say:

"What are you looking for on your face; a pimple?"

Of course, that was not what I wanted to ask, but it just came out like that. Only girls spent time in front of a mirror and boys like me; never. I used to hate when my mother used to grab me just before stepping out of house for walking to school, and pull-out brush and arrange my hair, or get a wet towel and wipe my face. Why this guy was spending time like girls arranging his face was a mystery to me then. Well, the effect of my question unnecessarily drove him insane, I thought.

"Where? Do you see one?"
Panic in his words affected me and my anxiety level went up, when I realized that I blurted out something which took the conversation in a direction which was not going to get the result I had hopped. I tried to correct that faux pas immediately.

"No; I don't see one."

That just did the opposite of what I hoped, and Mark exploded:
"You are a sneaking rat; why would you give me scare like that? Stop bothering me; I am busy, can't you see? Get lost, and don't walk on me like this again." He thundered and I left wondering about his mental health.

Frankly speaking, I did not understand then, why would a pimple scare anyone? Realizing that at that moment my brother was not going to entertain any inquiry from me, and I left him alone. Then I went in search of another learned person. As I came down from bedrooms out on the stairs that led to the living room, I saw my sister engrossed in reading something from a page of her notebook which she used to guard with her life." If I catch you coming closer to my room, you sneaky hound, I will break every bone in your body." Well, I would not have done that any way. There was nothing in her room that wanted or was curious about, as Mark's room had, and he did not mind my coming in until that day.
Nalini: my sister, who liked her short name, "Nalin" better, for a reason only she knew, had turned fourteen, and began acting like she was as old as my mother, when fixing her face. All she did in her spare time was gossiping in some secrete language with her friends. As usual, she was chatting with her friends about boys in the high school. As it is, I never thought her to be very smart or knowledgeable. I did not expect her to give me any explanation about something as important as that 'Loyalty' business bothering me.

At that time of my life, I was at all the disadvantages a last Totem on a pole, gets. No one pays attention to it, and most tourists admire the features of the top and the middle pieces. Except for my mother, rest of the family member excluding dad who was never in the business of dealing with children, were of an unflattering opinion of me, like: Always spying or eavesdropping etc., which was not true. I was by nature, a curious person eager to learn the ways and means of becoming a respected adult. Getting respected for something like Mark, as a debonair, and Nalini, a cleaver and instead of what I got: "cute and cuddly" sorts of descriptions with wet kisses. I hated receiving them on my cheeks from visiting aunts.
At that moment I decided to put aside that quest and ask a neutral person like our grandpa, in our next visiting trip to his home. For time being, I slept over it, and then, the next day it disappeared altogether. That quest got set aside for ever, so I thought until I discovered that the memory of that, really did not disappear at all.

In a vacant moment, at my ripe old age, that subject popped up again, could be accidently, or providentially; I do not know. It has been a long journey to reach to this stage of life, and yet, it doesn't look like my time to hang my gloves is near. I often wondered at this:
Why some fold their tents and move into the safe housing; and individuals like me keep pitching and uprooting the tents and keep moving from post to post.
It seems there is some strange game our destiny plays with life. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned from it. In that frame of thoughts occupying my mind, another thought showed up-where I was going? Answer that emerged, astonished me.
While reading some literature on the Gnostic Gospels of Thomas, I came across the famous Apocryphal Acts of Peter'. In that I found a Latin term, "Quo Vadis?", (in the general English translation it means 'Where are You going?). The narrative in the Apocryphal Acts, goes like this which I am penning from my memory here:

"Peter, on the road to Rome after the crucifixion, suddenly finds himself in front of Risen Jesus in person. Frightened to see him in flesh, he does not know what to say and blurts out, "Quo Vadis?" and Jesus replies:

"Romam eo iterum Crusifigi." (Going to Rome for getting crucified again!).

Remember, Peter had denied knowing him when Romans asked, if he was with Jesus. That loyalty principle then came in the picture, and perhaps, there was sarcasm in Jesus' reply. It triggered the memory of that forgotten childhood incidence. Now as an adult, I could not ignore it, and that childhood memory came alive. How does that interaction between Jesus and Peter relates to the Loyalty? Let me explain my point of view.

The travels of my life, despite of disruptions, I think had been very interesting indeed. While living in India, I learned so many Indian languages just by being with people who spoke in them around me. Later, after moving to the USA, I studied French and Latin during my college days. I wondered about it how I could do that quick learning? Then it dawned on me that it could be because of my 3-year education in the oldest language- the Sanskrit, from which all the other Indo-European languages have emerged.
Now, I am playing the last inning of my life, and I find myself struggling with the memory of same languages which I spoke in my youth and middle age fluently. Why is this happening to me? I now ask myself. The answer is this: I learned languages out of necessity of the time and environment; in a sense, for a self-serving causes. I did not love them nor remained loyal to them. I did not seek perfection and proficiencies. That may be a normal way to get on with life.
The fundamental question I should have asked, but did not when I was young, stepping into new unfamiliar domain, leaving behind that world of familiarity and protection, is this question; one that has risen in my mind now at a time to call it quits. It is in front of me: " Where I am going with this loyalty business? "Quo Vadis?"
But then, how can I blame myself or anyone else, for such vicissitude, when we, the greatest of all the species on this planet have experienced declining loyalties to truth, kindness and honesty and above all to our Mother Nature?
Let me explain from where such thinking has emerged in my conscience:
We humans have been facing this nature's furry via news channels and internet for a long time. So many have experienced it personally as victims of wildfires, storms and floods, and also our history has been shouting it at us from the rooftop telling us, "Open your eyes", and yet, knowingly, the humanity has refused to believe in the consequences of the disloyalties we have displayed to our own existence.
Is this the 'absurdity of human mind' that Camus wrote about, and Fyodor Dostoyevsky presented in ' Brothers Karamazov'? Is it not a good reason to believe that the God, if at all exists, has nothing to do with the creation of Adam and Eve; The irrational and illogical duo, placed upon this planet!
To whom or to what values we then ought to pledge our loyalty? If today the traditional God concept has become invalid for many, then what is left? Country or nation? I already have moved from one to another, then who do I choose, and with what criteria? Nation, Country, Faith - all these human concepts; only we have created them and come to think about it, what have we achieved by placing our loyalty to those concepts? All it has delivered is this:
More compartmentalization of the humanity and a systematic division by shape of a nose or color of skin, or the Gods we believe in, to list a few! Irony is this did not happen in the communities of our distant relatives, the primates. And here we are in the twenty first century: Still busy sowing that poisonous seeds of distrusts, hate and disunity, and for what? To which of those entities that define us should I be loyal to?
The paradox my life this is:
"I don't have an answer and can't be without having loyalty to somethingâ"? some entity, some place, some family, society; or else, I wouldn't know how to reconcile with the idea of my being as a Homo Sapient-Self."
The first 'Self', one that the Brahma created; one of the Upanishads, the Hindu scripture described it a long time ago. It goes something like this in my words:
"The 'I' opened eyes, and there was no light, and he was frightened; he was alone! He then thought:
'I am alone! There is no one else besides me here, then to whom should I be afraid of?'
Fear then departed, and he was alone again in that vast beyond.... "
There is more to that story of Hindu Genesis, but I do not remember the rest.
Now, I too, am alone, but by choice; just like the first 'I', my fear too has departed because I realized that I don't have to be loyal to anything, anyone, but to that first 'I' principle; one that made me different from the Chimpanzee; a true Homo sapient animal; the only specie that I know, has the potential to be evolved, and that too for only one purpose:
For achieving that spiritual summit of this creation; the mythical mountains of Kailash, Sinai or any other. A place that Mahayana Buddhist call, "Land of Amitabha' (Unending illumination). The yoga discipline of the ancient seer, 'Patanjali' of India gave a path to the spiritual unity with the force of creation itself. Here there is no need for loyalty to any God, faith, or a doctrine. I know that I do not have any need of that; everything I need spiritually or physically to get on with my life is within me; I received it already at birth. Now all I must do is to recognize its nature and give up the physical part, seek the path, and hope it is leading to our spiritual nature. It is not easy to explain and maybe that's why it is in French we address it as:
"Je ne sais quois!" General transliteration is, 'Certain Something'.