I am terrible at sequencing. It even came out in a test I once took. I have benefited from a couple of good counselors in my life. Later in my story I will hopefully remember to fill them in. Anyway, this should somehow be in the front of my life, as it has been a huge influence. It explains my mother's hate for me. Her disdain for me had two reasons. She desperately wanted a boy child. I'm sure it developed from her low self-esteem of being a female. I shared how the girls in our family were called split tails. The other reason was because I was no beauty. It was said she lost a boy baby at three months the year before I was born. I believe she knew I was a girl as she carried me. I was once asked when my problem began. I said, when I came out of the vagina. I now believe it was sooner.

Mother rejected my sister at birth, as she was a female. She only accepted her after the nurses begged her and told her how beautiful she was. She was beautiful. That was always important to mother. She was herself a beauty.

I was named after a minister's daughter my mother found beautiful. She had curly dark hair and big blue eyes. She determined to name her first daughter after her. It was my luck to be that first. I was never homely, in fact I turned out pretty in my own way. I didn't realize it until I wasn't pretty anymore. Unfortunately, in comparison to my sister, I looked plain. Added to that I had a scar on the right side of my top lip. It was from stitches put in from a dog bite when I was about three. I was also given Rabies shots which caused a lifetime fear of needles. Rabies shots at that time were given in the stomach.

As I write this it amazes me, not for the first time, how these facts were told to us many times. Some, were later denied by mother, that she said them. We certainly didn't need to know them. Just another attack on our self-worth.

A psychologist,-a good one once told me, someone made me feel like I should never have been born. Bingo, mommy. When I was about to me married to my second husband, my mother made the statement in front of us both, "If she had met my father's family, she would never have had children. They were so ugly." All my life she told me I looked like my father's side.

I had a strange relationship with my mother. Always trying to get her love. My sister never put any weight to anything mother said. She pretty much discounted her. She was much wiser than me there.  She was not abused much. Being younger and beautiful. She was mainly neglected so she  distanced herself. 

The funny thing was I pretty much filled the role of a male son. When we went to live with her after the orphanage, I took on the role. I made out the budget weekly, She always blew it. She partied at least once a week and missed work. I was her emotional sound bag. She would come home drunk, crying and telling me how much she loved me, liar. I think it enraged her so much when I married because I had always promised to take care of her. She lost her crutch. I don't think I ever met with her approval.

As for the test I mentioned earlier. I had a counselor who tired of hearing me say how stupid I was. She arranged for an IQ test for me. The first of many I have had. For the first time, I learned I was not only not stupid, but I was also above average in intelligence. Wow, I could hardly believe it.

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