Darlin', Your Cat Puked!

by Terry Broxson

Here I present a fractured guide to marriage with the theory that one man's experiences might lead another to find gold. Or not. One could discover confusion, delusion, and misrepresentation amounting to fraud.

Nevertheless, this guide might help manage a specific responsibility of a cat. You can substitute a dog for a cat, but dogs are not my area of expertise.

***

I had just settled in my comfy leather recliner in the den. My wife was sitting at the kitchen table. Both of us were munching on homemade blueberry muffins. Me sipping coffee. Her drinking hot tea.

Our interests distributed our newspaper sections, me the sports, her the living section.

The lovely sound of the morning quiet. No television for us in the morning. This was our time reflecting and absorbing the news stories in the paper.

The unwanted and indescribable sound broke the silence by one of our cats discarding its morning breakfast.

An observation quickly followed, and a loud voice announced, "Darlin', your cat just puked!"

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Clean it up, of course."

"You are closer. You do it." (This is known as the Proximity Defense.)

"But I don't know where it is. I might step in it."

"Be careful."

"But I am barefooted." (This technique is known as the But Defense. (Two Buts communicate an inability on your part to perform.)

"Oh, for Christ's sakes!" (You win.)

The But Defense only works if you made love to your wife the night before. And it was memorable for her. Otherwise, its chance of working is fifty-fifty.

***

It is Saturday afternoon. You arrive home after a terrific day on the golf course. Your lovely wife is in the kitchen stirring a pot of pinto beans that will be a centerpiece to the fabulous Mexican dinner she will be serving for you and two other couples.

You waltz over to and present her with the bouquet you thoughtfully picked up. You expect a welcoming kiss and thank you.

"Darlin', your cat puked in the dining room."

"Why didn't you clean it up?"

"It's your turn."

In bridge, this would be known as playing an unexpected trump card. There is no adequate defense. You might claim she has Alzheimer's. But, it is much better if you admit defeat and clean up the mess. The dinner party will be much more enjoyable.

***

It is the end of a lovely day. You think this might even turn out to be a better evening.

"Darlin', your cat threw up on your side of the bed."

(This will be tricky. She starts with it's your Territory Defense.)

"But you found it."

(An excellent counterpoint, Finders Keepers Defense.)

"But you are the one who changes the bed linens."

(Dang, you are dead meat. She has played the previously agreed-to Terms of Responsibility Defense. This is non-negotiable.)

The sheets are clean. She's happy to win. There is hope your story has a happy ending.

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