Hello! It’s me again. I’d like to have another one of our late night conversations. My heart’s been feeling a little heavy and burdened again. So here I am, as always, back at Your doorstep. I’ll let myself in and find a nice place to sit for a while. Well, it’s all nice up here and that only makes it harder to choose. Alright, just let me scoot a little closer, if I may. Yeah, this is good…shall we begin now? Ok, then…here it goes!

Let’s have a little heart to heart; an ‘I speak, You listen’ kind of thing. You don’t say anything in return but You sure are one hell of a listener. Oops. Poor choice of words, huh! My bad…I admit I must be more careful when it comes to You but there are times when I just don’t want to. What are You going to do about it…judge me? Hehe! Ummm, I secretly think one of my silly attempts at humor would be the death of me one day. Well, if anyone’s judging then, better You than literally anyone else in the world. It’s Your job after-all but some seem to think they can pass judgement better than You. I do not like such people. For the sole reason that they make others become like them and do the same as well. And at the end of the day, we all end up wielding a portion of Your discretionary powers as if we were Your successors on earth. 

Free will, eh? People even begrudge each other free wifi these days. Never mind them though; for I remain a staunch believer. But if everyone’s right to make decisions keeps on trampling my right to do the same then there’s only so much I can take. You know me…do You not? You know this isn’t a tantrum I’m throwing as if I were a spoilt child who’s lost his favourite toy. No…in fact, this was years in the making. This was simply the final shove and Oh My You, did I crumble or what?

I wish I could have handled this fall with grace as well the way I’ve always done before. Kept silent, locked my tongue and thrown my pen away. But grace is a luxury not afforded to ones fighting for survival. One breath, one night, one day, one week and one month at a time; I am trying to hold on. If anyone wishes for me to be graceful about my fight for survival then they already do not understand me and most likely…never will. I’ve been here before, many a time, and if I could have still channeled grace then I would have gladly done so. 

But in my opinion, my fall from grace has coincided with theirs. Just who do they think they are? Are they You? And why do You keep allowing such people to create one cycle of misery after another? Here…take a look at my heart! Do You see what they did? Do You see what I too see? It has finally darkened, has it not? Tell me; where’s the light, the tenderness, the purity and the beauty? 

I know that You know I believe in Your ‘Divine Gaze’.* So, I will never again allow these mortals to look down on me and judge me. If it’s judgement I need then I would come to bow before You and You alone. Have I not always done so? Did You ever read ‘Another Fool Bites the Dust’?** Even when confronted by guilt and shame, You are never far away from my thoughts. I’ve been struggling with ‘The Struggles Within’*** for nearly half my life now…but I have not lost sight of You. Might have turned my back on a few occasions, I confess, but look where I have come to stand now yet again. I have tried to converse with You through a handful of my writings but the real conversations have all taken place during the loneliest of nights. The nights where it feels like only You and I are awake in the whole world. I have found You to be a friend and a saviour during such nights. 

It’s a simple enough thing we have going on…You lend me an ear…I wag my tongue without care…I get tired; You don’t…You herald the dawn…and I sleep like a baby. This little routine of ours has slightly changed over the last few months for obvious reasons but the conversations have never stopped. For no one talks like I do and no one listens the way You do. Wish it were a two-way thing at times but beggars can’t be choosers, right? And I do beg a whole lot, don’t I? Sorry about that but I’m well within my rights to beg and keep on begging without shame. The question is…will You give me what I want and need?

So…I’m 26. You already know ‘A Survivor’s Victorious Account’**** along with the gory details I chose to withhold. You know everything about everything and You know that I am at my very limits now. So…why the build-up? Is that all meant to prepare me for something? Something which, as always, only You can foresee and the rest cannot? I am 26 and if nothing goes wrong then I should have more than half my life to live yet. Are those years meant to be more of the same? Surely, You wouldn’t do that to me, would You? 

I need to catch a break here please. Yeah, I know I shouldn’t wish for it to simply fall in my lap. But what about the times all I want and need is to fall in someone’s lap in order to feel safe and loved? Come on…work Your magic here please. It need not be ‘An Unforgivable Prayer’ every time…just say the Word and let it be so!

You love me…I know You do. And no one loves You back like I do. Should I tell them? The way I thank You for every blessing I can thank You for. The way I never forget You in my happiest moments and not just in my loneliest! The way I blow kisses to You…head bowed, eyes closed, hand straight and palm facing up towards the sky! And the way I take Your nose-tip if I’m feeling especially naughty and playful; only to kiss it and give it right back to You. Look what I have the gall to do…is it blasphemous? I think not! Let anyone who thinks otherwise think just that…and let me love You the way I best know how to love. 

I need a favour now more than ever. For now and forever more. For this world and the next…and I intend to keep asking You no matter what everyone’s opinion about this is going to be. I need to feel whole…complete! And I bid You to listen and to grant. Or the next time I take Your nose-tip…I won’t just give it back; You’ll need to trade me for it. 

You won’t smite me for my audacity, will You? I believe not. And I have laid my heart bare yet again and am feeling exhausted. We will converse again the next time I am lonely. Now sing me a lullaby and put me to sleep. The opinions of mortals matter not to me; long as my conscience is clean and our conversations keep taking place. This is the first time I have written down a conversation of ours. And I have written it titled as "To Whom it May Concern". I have faith that this would not anger You but rather, concern You and only make You love me back more. And oh, do I need love or what…!
 

Written…August 2, 2021.